MyBossIsAJewishCarpenter

My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter

2007-06-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

One year anniversary of this blog and also the last post of this blog.

When I chose the title of the blog out of the many church signs I've chosen for the posts in this blog, the image of Jesus as with his fully human and fully God, that came to my mind was from the Passion of Christ movie, when Mary his mother remembered the moments they shared together when Jesus designed a table that introduce the new way of sitting around it, and said, "This is how rich people would sit around the table."

The image in my mind meant so much to me, just to remind me that:

Jesus had lived the life on earth. He knew exactly when we were sad, angry, love, laugh, and only one thing He doesn't share with us, that is sin. To know that before He started his ministry, he grew up learning the carpenter skills from his stepdad (Joseph). He lived as we live, He learned and he worked, until he was thirty and started his ministry.
Jesus creates. Although He was called rabbi and teacher, part of his character as a carpenter reminds me that he created, he cultivated creativity.
Because of this image, people had a hard time to understand who He is, and thus started the entire rejection of his Divinity..how come a poor boy from Nazarene who's a son of a carpenter claimed himself to be the Son of God...

This year had been an amazing year for me, writing the blog had been helping me to clear up my mind, and helping me to put the thoughts on surface, take what I need and throw away the useless ones...It is one of my ways to bless God and to love God because He loves me first. It has built my faith and my hope in Him. It has pointed to me my fault, my failures, and help me surrender more of my life to Him so that He can accomplish what He wants to accomplish in me. It has helped me to go through pain and laughter and inspired me to write, to create, and to think of who I can be.

One thing I will leave this blog with, Jesus is NOT just a Jewish Carpenter to me, he's my savior.

O, and this is the new blog address: http: ...how long is now...

The place to which God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet

2007-06-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

My deep gladness, not necessarily meet the world's deep hunger, lately, was a priceless experience to engage in SOS mural project. It's been a trip, an amazing journey within me to push myself outward. I share what Steve Sjogren said about himself,"I am who I am no matter if you like it/me or not. Life is far too short to live for the applause and approval of people." Enough said.

To me, the purpose, motivation, and how to do the project is the most important and what's count in my dictionary. When we're there, there was no one else from the community, but I know guests have been excited to see the murals, and to them, whom sometimes spent their time in jail, this room, the outlet, is like heaven...even if it's in the basement, and the fact that we're there to beautify the place for them, is just blew their minds. Kirk and Debbie told me these...they've been asking, when is it going to be done so that they could enjoy the work.

Mural can be just a mural, but the fact that God places us down there with an account that the guests could enjoy the place and spend more time down there to build relationship with one another, takes this mural into a different account. To me, it is an honor to serve the guests who come here, and I will come here more often on Saturdays when I don't have to work...

Among the hard work, the failures, the time alone, time together, the not-so-perfect days, and the green SOS shirt that I don't have because it was too big on me, there were:

First and foremost, to get lost in my drawing, having fun with the paints
A paycheck, a payoff, when I saw the faces of the students light up when I told them they had a chance to be creative, to tell a message to the people who eat in the diner about what God wants them to know, when I heard them saying "I had fun".
A paycheck, a payoff, when I listened to the comments from CGM guests that they liked the mural, ah, it feels good.
A payoff, today, especially, when I heard people said, "Could we go out and pick up trash in the neighborhood?" I was almost in shock, but I am just in awe for what God had put calling in these servants' heart. I told them to give me a call if they got lost and just to stay in three blocks radius. A group leader and about ten students came back and told me, "We've got to meet a pastor at the Lutheran Church, telling us about new developments and what's going on in the neighborhood, and listened to his conversations.." For me, this what the real outreach was...
A relief, when I saw students responded when I asked them to volunteer, to clean brushes, and just to help...today, I feel that I can work with students...
These new friends I made along the way, with Kirk, Harmony, Jillian, Denika, Bethany, Pastor Bready, Calvin the facility person at Tryed Stone, Bugger (that's just what we call him, no one knows his real name), Dave, Teresa and Bill, and Scott and Andy from Sherwin Williams and Porter Paints, the generous paint suppliers...and the students, Nicole, Any...
A new found knowledge on how to start and to fund my own ministry!

I feel blessed, so blessed, to have this opportunity. I am sure I can finish this journey well, with God! This is the best birthday gift ever from God, this is my renewed, found, ministry.

On pic: Nicole, who has been helping me with joy for the last two days, and gave unbelievable support to what I am doing...
Quote is by FrederickBuechner.

What I believe is not what I say, what I believe is what I do

2007-06-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

...love keeps no record of wrongs. I Corinthians 13:5.

Serious lies in our heads can mess up our heads and our hearts. There is something about temper in my family that runs through our blood, at least, that's what I believe until yesterday, that temper is genetic. My dad's family has a temper problem, which never gets physical, but really gets in my head in terms of this. I was working with teenagers yesterday, with SOS, and of course with teenagers, they are just those who needs more love than any others, especially when it came to keeping the paint out of the carpet. And I think I've lost it, only inside my heart and didn't get spilled out over the crowd, but I am terribly sorry for it, and I've asked God to help me to not to burst in emotion when these kinds of things happened.

I was driving and praying and my thought was in a pause and another thought slipped through and said, "Never believe in lies that anyone else told you about yourself." I heard this before in the radio about callers who told their dad's best advice on father's day. And that thought was just my Father's best advice yesterday.

I can change when I asked God to lead the way. I can manage the anger that happens inside my head and my heart. Yesterday's experience was just my experience to learn more how to deal with youth and teenagers with many kinds of behaviors and attitude and learn to be more patient and loving with them. When the bible says..love keeps no records of wrongs..I just have to suck it in my brain and my heart, and I should be able to let go of this soon after it is done.

Another thing God told me to listen yesterday, was not to keep records of wrong, to just leap over the big ME and left that at home. I was walking at the other mural site, when I gathered there was not enough colors for the paints and somethings were not done right. I've learned that taking leadership means taking the blame, taking the junk, doing what everyone else does not want to do, and most of all, I learn that smiling helps to lower my head temperature and help me to be more loving and humble. What rocks about it, was that I read that scientifically smiling and laughing brought a prescription to our brain to elevate it to a better stage (from GrantJeffrey book).

That's what I asked God to help me with today. I am not going to believe the lies that I cannot change, that high emotion runs through my blood therefore I couldn't stop it, because with God, I could do all things. And when God is in me, He's in control. He's in control.

Love and the power of love is easy to say. But love and the power of love can only work when it is done.

From Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller.

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

2007-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Tim and I were drawing the last outline for the biggest mural we're going to have when he said, Be careful with the bees on the roof. Did I hear that right? Bees? Bees, my wonderful friends that will help the trees and vegetables to provide food for us. Bees, the creatures I was so worried about extinction and was in my thoughts for the last week. Are you kidding me, Tim? I want to get close to them. I pull the ladder to the top near my friend the bees, I know they won't attack me if I don't bother their nest. Apparently they have made a new home out of the roof that's only two years old. Thank you, bees for being here and don't go anywhere. It is God's way of saying, no need to worry little child, I, God, the God of the universe, have it all together.

This weekend, amongst the mural work and driving around my car that's almost die but not yet, I managed to read again the book my friend Jean gave me. The title is Creation, by Grant Jeffrey. It is written by Jeffrey through a thorough research and interviews with scientists of all kinds. According to Jeffrey, almost 40% of scientists believe in the power of the Supreme Being after they dwell with the science and found that facts that cannot be doubt, in the perfect creation, in the perfect and beautiful design of everything on heavens and earth, there must be a Creator, and a Designer. The book is a defense of Christianity and its theory of creation and it takes a stand against evolution. You can't have both in your mind, either you believe that creation is a God thing from the beginning or your ancestor was an ape. You might have to check and ask more question about you being a follower of Christ if you still think evolution is the real deal. Because how would you believe the rest of the Bible if you think Genesis is not telling the truth?

Title is from Isaiah 40.

I can't think of now cause I am stuck in then

2007-06-17T05:13:00.000-07:00

Stuck or lucky, in transit for two days in NYC on my way back to Cincinnati from Vancouver. I was busy catching up, soaking in every inch of the city, until I realized I had to catch up the next flight to Cincinnati. I wish I could take the subway, but then time rushed me in and I went to the curb for a taxi ride. Forty five minutes in the taxi was a long time, but not for long in New York when every taxi driver is friendly.

He's from Ghana and had been living in the city for twelve years, all were spent driving taxi. One daughter currently staying with his ex-wife, or whatever you call it, he said. Do you like driving taxi? He said, He made pretty good money sometimes. I tried once to calculate my non-profit salary to live in NYC and it's just doesn't add up, even if I subtracted the gas money and car insurance, reduce the cost of apartment by may be living in Queens because even Brooklyn is gentrified now. So I asked him how could he live in this big city with a taxi driver salary? And he showed me a paper of his rent agreement where he is subsidized and only paid about $75 for rent. Seriously. I saw the paper myself. He said, you have to meet certain income standard to be eligible. But then, I thought his life is probably harder with a daughter who needs child support. I asked him how's the big apple treating him, he said, life is good here, better than in Ghana, and he can save money (he can save money??!!?).

He asked me if I love New York, I told him I love the city and would love to spend at least two years of my life in it. Dwelling with creativity while preserve as if the crowded noisy city is my himalaya mountain. I could get lost in it, without being notice, while at the same time, I could turn around and the opportunity to connect with people is as easy as one two three. It's a time machine that takes me to the fifties where all the people I admire had lived. It is a big book I could jump in where I can float and remember all the buildings and the streets and the famous architects and neighborhoods where Jane Jacobs described in her book became alive in front of me. It is the world in one hundred square foot where I could see all people in one horizon. It is a dream of sitting in the Met dwelling in the same operas I love. In my dream, there is also street corners where original and chained coffee shops compete for my money; Washington Park square where I could spend hours watching people, people with their dogs, girls experimenting with new fashion trends, people sleeping on the bench with all their house travelling with them, people who are in love and couldn't wait to kiss another time, ah, life is beautiful; there is a neighborhood diner next to a bagel shop next to a subway station, next to fruit vendors who never close; there is old, almost black brick buildings rows to protect the houses in the ally with big trees and wide sidewalk and small fences small enough I could see what's actually inside the buildings and stoops up to the doors, all in different styles and detail; there is cops in their cruisers, sirens, and sirens, made me remember that life is a cycle; writing this, makes me want to visit New York and go back to when I was lucky, not stuck, in a plane transit.

He asked me where I live and I said Cincinnati, Ohio and he said, how was it, It's like a small New York I can afford.

The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him

2007-06-15T05:36:00.001-07:00

No, we don't celebrate father's day in Indonesia. My father is a faithful husband, obediently loving his children at the best of his ability. In highschool especially, I was glad that I have a father like my father, when, he is an honest person who didn't get involved in all the corruptions that was going on at that time at his workplace that got the entire industry shut down. Not that he didn't have the opportunity. He had the opportunity awhile back, when he got promoted but had to relocate outside Java, I didn't remember exactly, but my mother said he went home a week later because he just cannot live without us being around. Now I am still proud of him and his decision to choose us rather than big bucks or pride or "achievement" at the world's standards.

Growing up, our relationship has gotten better, and I always tried to initiate conversations, around garden, or herb, or his fish pond, or vitamin I should take, or just simply asking him about his family. He's very proud of his family's past and loves to tell stories about them. He's seventy years old this year, retired, and very proud of his garden that he tends every morning.

Thank God for Bapak!

Title is from Proverbs 23:24.

Be still and know that I am God.

2007-06-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

When I started to think about this, the quest of knowing Who God is, or thinking about it, I already feel like a dash of dust in a dessert. I am aiming for a quest of knowing Him intimately, everyday of my life, to know what He likes and what He doesn't like, to know what His favorite thing, to know what He feels about me, all because I am in love with Him and wanted to please Him. It's a lifetime quest, really. Even in my life time could not even gather only a one percent of who He is, but I hope He would allow me to know Him intimately.

Buechner (again), mentioned about language and naming things and how that was the first time that Adam did when God created him, to name animals and plants in garden of Eden. Buechner said that naming things is the first thing human being do to identify, to know, something or someone. So my question is, why do we name God, God? Why does He has a lot of them? Why does each culture, without consulting with one another, had a sense of searching, yearning for who He is? Could it be because there's a God-shaped hole in each of us? Could it be because it has something to do with His character as a superior being compare to us, more than everything that He is the ultimate creator of all things?

Dr SM Lockridge's famous "That's My King" sermon of God's title and His work and Isaiah's prophecy of Jesus are probably the two most articulate summary of who God is. But, I want to begin with the God I know and I wanted to know more about from Genesis: In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. All with that 100,000 galaxies and stars. He worked for six days of creation (which in my belief is different than our literal six days) and always make sure to evaluate His work everyday by saying "I did a good work today", which in Genesis differentiate each day to the other.

But God, today I don't feel that way, or should I say, most of my days, I don't feel that way, especially today. I am always resenting on driving around so much although it is necessary. I spent almost two hours driving back and forth to pick up paints donations in Eastgate that feels like it was located in the ends of the earth! And how much knowledge about the suburbs just make me want to puke, although I am learning to be more positive about it, that, if I am being fair, it's where people made the decision to live! And I've always said I am for people's choices, so I should be open about the suburbs too. I had some Neal today who always, on his own way, rebuke something in my heart, just by saying, "so are you saying you don't like to see us when you visit us in the suburb?" Exactly, I don't know if Neal knows this, but he has the power to convict me, three times already for time I spent with him that could be counted by hands. Places shouldn't matter when there is a people of God I need to serve, despite their choices, preferences in life. And no, I love to see my friends in the suburbs and I love to go to church in the suburbs, not because of their location, but because of their choices to be outward focus outside their comfort zone!

I feel that going to the suburb is exactly what God wants me to be, to at least talk more about the importance of environmental stewardship to others as much as I can. It still, and it should, bother me that people are not recycling things that could be recycled or to buy those unnecessary stuff, but again, I should not put expectations on other people's choices and just try to walk the talk myself. Not that it's unthinkable, because I have seen people taking leadership and effort to recycle, to use things as efficient as possible, to buy less things and to drive less. I still consider the last one as my vice, I need to drive less.

There are so many things in my head I need to process when thinking about creation and global warming and environmental stewardship, especially the honey bees Colony Collapse Disorder that blew my mind! An artist at the Peace and Justice art show drew an image about how "we" killed the honey bees (although the caused of CCD is still unknown) and the thought of not having fruit and vegetables to eat in the future is just scares me. May be I am exaggerating things because human being had killed wild bees a long long time ago, hence, there are people who became bee keepers. No bees means no pollination, no pollination means no productions of some fruits and vegetables. When my mind could not process how things in nature went wrong, I feel more like a dust when thinking about how God created all of these order and creatures in its details and its glory and still able to create all of these in a grandeur scale as in millions of stars and galaxies, and then, still knows me by name and everything about me that I don't even know myself, and loves me and rather die than live without me.

God is still working today so I pray that He will take care of the CCD and help us to solve this problem and help us to be a better steward of what He has given us.

So I chose to feel that what I did today was good, I put the first draft of the lines for the biggest mural I've ever worked on. I need to go back and make more definite lines and plan for its colors the next time I am coming back.

Currently Reading: Knowing God by JI Packer.

Can we? Do we even know what loving God looks like and feels like

2007-06-12T04:53:00.000-07:00

- not just taking comfort in him as an idea,
not just believing in him as a possibility,
not just worshiping him (because there was never a man or woman yet who didn't have to worship something, so why not God?)
but actually loving him:
wanting at least to be near him,
wanting at least to do things for him,
because that is the least of what love seems to mean?
-- FrederickBuechner.

It's too long for a quote for me. It's an invitation from God to truly love him. And it was one of my questions of the day to him. I was thinking about how Buechner found out that he loved God. It was when he was in his most weakness state, that he desired to be with God, wanting to love God, not out of his needs but out of love.

Buechner told the story of the feeling of lost, grieve, over someone who was so close to his heart, someone he loved the most who were dying, to think that devastation of losing the person was just unbearable, which he described as "the wilderness". It was one of those moments when you just don't feel that God was around, to listen to his story and knowing that he was in pain. In that wilderness he felt like he wanted to be with God, to be near him and to do something for him.

Buechner had another saying/quote that I think is related with the quote I used, and in my particular walk with God, is very true. It says, "Pay mind to your own life, your own health, and wholeness. A bleeding heart is of no help to anyone if it bleeds to death."

I want to do things for God, but at the same time, I need healing left and right, I have more room to grow. I believe that God can use me where I am. Over dinner, Bethany read to me a beautiful metaphor from MaxLucado book, I forgot what the title was. But Lucado was talking about several candles who refuse to be lighted and to be moved to light the room, the sole purpose of candles, with various reasons. One thought it needs to learn about wick preservation, one thought it needs more meditation to avoid wind, and the other one think that they are not ready. And in the end, it is confirmed that those candles were bought from a closed church down the street.

From a closed church down the street.

It is easy for me to get comfortable in a community with good friends and brothers and sisters in Christ, there's nothing feel like it, there's nothing feels like you're accepted the way you are, to be comfortable in my own skin, and there's nothing feels like you can say out loud that you love God and no one judge you of being a christian freak. And forgot about going out there and tell people that Jesus loves them.

It is easy to get so comfortable inside church and gets so inclusive inside programs, programs, and programs, which I believe is important, although, I believe it is to be less important than reaching out to others. God is out working to set things right and the church should be his hands and feet to make things right, right now, not tomorrow, not in heaven, but right now.

It is also not easy to serve in solitude. Especially when you put expectation on people and not on God. I should know this. It should reminds me of the many rejections, lack of appreciation, and all that. The mistake is not on other people, but on us who put expectation when love is not supposed to be like that. Love is supposed to pour out of abundance and overflows from our hearts, without expectation. God help me to work on this in my heart today.

That's sound familiar for me. It sound familiar that sometimes I have excuses not to just show up at an outreach, or to accept invitation to lead, or just to be the answer of someone's prayer. It is easy for us to give the reason that "we're bleeding ourselves, we cannot help you" kind of thing. But at the same time, it is true when we're really bleeding, we can't help other people. Growth needs to happen inward and outward, and it will happen when we step forward out of our comfort zone.

So sit at the feet of the wise

2007-06-10T05:03:00.000-07:00

Passion without wisdom to give it shape and direction is as empty as wisdom without passion to give it power and purpose - F. Buechner.

Another confession of mine today from this weekend's mind journey: I love AngelinaJolie. She's the only part of hollywood I want to read about. Yesterday I saw her at the cover of Esquire and I read the entire thing. This is embarrassing, but I admit it anyway because I did read the whole thing. She does what she can with what she has and I believe that with that amount of sacrifice in her life despite the criticism and all the cynical writings about why she does what she does, she is a good person with a good will. One of the part of the article that cling in my mind was that, the writer told that she does what she does, continue to adopt kids from other parts of the world, developing villages, conserving wildlife, and visiting the forgotten parts of the world to point attention to them, was because she is empty and she wanted to fill up herself. Ah, I thought that was just a sentence from a jealous writer. I think she is a good person with a good will; to me she's like mother teresa with a human face. Mother Teresa was like an angel; I've never heard anything wrong that she did. What I learned from her, is, her persistence; that she's continue doing what she thought was right regardless what other people said about it. She could care less about the media or whatever else everyone said about her. Yes, she made mistake, and yes, not everything she does in her life was as perfect as Mother Teresa, but none of us is like her either.

I know what's missing from all the things Angelina is doing, the core part of what's she's doing and her motivation, was still, not like saint Bono, but still, I want to thank her for what she's doing with her life. For the many turned heads to the refugee camps, for the raising numbers of adoptions in Ethiopia, Cambodia and Vietnam, for the many news made of the places she visited and thus, made people think, at least one more time, before having a dinner feast, for putting faces on numbers, and for the love she invested with the forgotten people.

These past three days, I've been working on preparing the wall for the mural project. God had taught me things: to be patient is one of them, but also, the most important thing, is to put wisdom with my passion. No matter how excited I am with the project and how I wanted to do everything right, I've never budgeted the time needed to work on it. I am not being unrealistic, but I am just being me, an overachiever self. But when the project include other people, I need to put them in equation to. Not "How much can we accomplish" but "How realistic can it be accomplish" that will make life a little easier with less stress. I am just grateful that God is using me in an area I am passionate about for His glory. AngelinaJolie said, "No, I am just lucky to have a fun job," and I would like to say the same. That's what passion is, when the deepest need of the world hunger met with the core of our satisfaction in doing what we do. But as Buechner said, passion without wisdom as empty as wisdom without passion. So I pray for God to give me wisdom.

Everything else in my life is shut off for the mural project this next week. That's what I am going to spend my time outside work, is for the mural project. I am not worried about the exhibit I am having next month and am not going to sweat about it. I will take a break right before the beginning of SOS to go to the first opera this season, but that's all the break I want. This is way more important than MY exhibit. I hope and pray that God will help me so that this project will bless the people at the two sites, the students at SOS, and everyone else involved in it, including me. I hope and pray that God will give me wisdom to make a quick decision, to stop being an over-achiever, and to give me wisdom to make everything works well. If God can use the flowers and the bees, He can use me for His glory, when I allowed Him to.

When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all

2007-06-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on my desk the other day after a long day of worrying about future stuff that I have been asking the answer to God for awhile. I got the answer and He granted my request. But it was amazing to me to know that this is how his method of answering my prayers work:

1. I asked Him a specific question.
2. I asked Him a specific question.
3. Repeat more than 100 times.
4. Include worry in it.
5. He told me not to worry.
6. I was still worry.
7. I thought, may be I should change my question because He's definitely is not answering, He's telling me something or I wasn't listening.
8. I started to change my question, dragging my heart toward agreeing what I thought He wanted me to.
9. My question had changed, but He leads me toward the first question again.
10. God can't be confused, I am confused.
11. I was frustrated. I surrendered. I felt assurance that He would grant me my request, although I have no idea how I would get to that goal.
12. I felt completely at peace.
13. I forgot being worried.
14. He granted me my request.

This happened many many times. As if God wanted me to know that I need to aim to "knowing Him" rather than "asking Him what I want."

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well (Matthew 6:25).

I don't know where to start, how to know God. But I guess I can start from the Book that POINTED to Him, although even the Book cannot contain Him. The whole universe can't. This week, I am going to dwell on the first chapter of the bible to get me started on the long forever journey of knowing God. I am excited with what I am about to discover, because from what I heard, this God, is pretty amazing!

Title by CS Lewis

You hardly know whether to laugh or to weep...

2007-05-31T05:16:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to write about our experience in New Orleans for 1835 newsletter for Clara. Today. I know I have to write something, but my procrastinator self has been delaying things and forgetting things in between of meetings, appointment with tree cutters, clogging-oil on eye lid, mural sketches, the two library visits, never ending phone calls, never ending research on foreclosure, skim-reading Ron Snider's books, two sketches of Over-the-Rhine steeples, myspace-ing, blogging, and not to mention cleaning and eating and sleeping and showering.

And then I came across the sentence I used for the title that I read in Buechner's book (Buechner is the writer of the week in my world). And I thought I could start something here, in my blog. Buechner was talking about the moment Jesus shared for the last time with his disciples when he said, "in a little while you will not see me anymore, in a little while you will see me." Such an odd sentence Jesus said (like it's a surprise!). Later on he described that Jesus was talking about the joy that came after sorrow, his resurrection, and his presence in the Holy Spirit.

That reminds me, how God has the power to turn sorrow into joy. How in most of the cases of what's going on in this fallen world, He has the way to create goodness amongst sadness. Joy in sorrow. Increase compassion and relationships among people who otherwise won't be connected in the world and decrease selfishness. How the trip to New Orleans had changed me was profound. I came worried that my motivation was not pure enough; that I came there to feel good about myself instead of glorifying God; that my reason to come down there was to give me a good 30th birthday present to myself that I had done something for God; I came to feel that my job is not good enough for me to work for God when no evangelism involved. But I left with more friends, I left with more compassion toward the people, I left with understanding that, well, what can we do with the (every) government, they just can't do anything right but there is God who can do everything right, and all He needs is our willingness to be His hands and feet. And I left with my motivation cleared out. I left with understanding that, where I am is where God needed me the most, in my (work) gutter, where the people outside church need to know that Jesus loves them and He (still) lives. And I left with a blind faith that God is big enough for our problems and I don't need to carry around the burden on my shoulder.

Clara said to have this under 250 words. How can 250 words contain what I experienced in New Orleans?

So, this might be the draft.

Jesus is inviting you to become His hands and feet to supply his people down in the neighborhoods of New Orleans with compassion. That's all you need to bring, in addition to ability to smile with an open heart. I went with the last crew in April, and before we left the church, Neal prayed to open our hearts so that Jesus would tell us what He wanted us to be when we were there. Neal said not to come with expectation, because God might have other plans.

So, you might be a wheelbarrow, a greeter, a sausage opener, a hugger, a listener, you might be a shovel, you might be a nail-plucker, you might be a weed trimer, you might be a jambalaya stirrer, you might be a coleslaw maker, you might be a server, you might be only a dust among other people who had gone there with similar concern as you are, you might be a baseball player in a field never been touched since twenty months ago.

You might be, the precise, special person, Jesus needs to bring love and compassion to the exact, special person whose been hurting, to the much needed area that would take more time and energy and love to bring it back to life.

I wish numbers could turn into faces, for us to know this is life, not just some lame statistics, but here's the facts of what happened in New Orleans, twenty two months after the hurricane Katrina:

Less than half of the city's pre-storm population of 460,000 has returned, putting the population at roughly what it was in 1880.
Nearly a third of the trash has yet to be picked up .
Sixty percent of homes still lack electricity.
Seventeen percent of the buses are operational.
Half of the physicians have left, and there is a shortage of 1,000 nurses .
Six of the nine hospitals remain closed.
Sixty-six percent of public schools have reopened.
A 40 percent hike in rental rates, disproportionately affecting black and low-income families.
A 300 percent increase in the suicide rate.

Source: ThinkProgress.org

I don't know whether I should laugh for my renewed spirit and compassion for the people of New Orleans or I should weep with them knowing the grieve that still need observing.

Please pray and ask God if He wants you to go and what He wants you to be. If He does want you to go, He'll give you a way. And please call or email NealWhiles for the detail, he'll be glad to have you join the love crew. Remember the saying that the love we received only to increase when we gave away love? It's true.

--- So, that's probably the draft. I have to check on the most current progress to incorporate in the writing. Boy, that was quick. Twenty five minutes!

You don't need to know about blessing to be blessed.

2007-05-30T08:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a dream without picture and only voices in your head constantly humming a song over and over and when you woke up you realize the connection between your dream and what's your heart desire? I am no Freud follower, but I believe that God speaks to us through dream too, I only have to conform it through praying with my conscious. There is the phrase at the "deepest of my heart", the unconscious part of ourselves that we didn't even know and that God is the only one to know. This makes sense for me, I've done some reading on it. God spoke to Joseph through dreams, and also Jacob, and many other people back in the biblical time, but I believe that He is still doing the same thing to you and I.

This song dream happened to me last night as I went to bed praying in my head and this song was in my head when I woke up. It's in Javanese so I'll translate it in English (I'm a 100% Javanese; from my skin to the core of my heart and what's run in my blood). My mom used to hum this song cause this is one of her favorite hymns..

Kinanthi Ing Gusti

Gusti nuntun lampah kula
Saklangkung nggen kula begja
Engkang pundi arah mami
Wit kula dikanthi Gusti

Duh Gusti kang nganthi mami
AstaNya Pyambak kang nganti
Sun nderek teng pundhi pundhi
Wit kinanthi dening Gusti

Okay, so they might be wrong cause there are several verses and one line will go with the other. But, I know how it sing.

It translate (sort of) like this:

God is guiding my every step
Oh, how blessed I am
No matter where I go
He will always be with me

My God who guide my every step
His own hands held mine
I will follow You wherever You lead me
As long as You're the one who guide me.

There are several cultural difference in the translation that needs some clarification (that's why I don't like translation). Kinanthi means more than guide, but I can't find a similar word. Kinanthi came from the word kanthi that means "with". Kinanthi means more like someone lead the way in front of us, behind us, and beside us - at the same time, which is different from the word guide that I felt has some "distance" connotation.

Javanese refer to the name of "Gusti" to God the Father and "Gusti Pangeran" to Jesus Christ. But I feel that in this song, it speaks to me as Jesus more than to God the Father personality. It's just because Jesus "been there done that", I felt that He understands me better and I always pray to Jesus.

Javanese refer to themselves differently; it comes with context of whom are we speaking with. There is kula when you place yourself in humility, the lowest of the low, and view the other person you talk to be in higher level than you are. There is dalem is the same connotation but put more respect in yourself; when I was little, it's a no-no to refer yourself with dalem unless you're speaking to your parents. There is aku which put yourself higher than other people and put more selfishness voice in your tone. And this song use the word kula that means put ourselves in a complete surrender to the One who knows everything.

What a beautiful song and a beautiful assurance of what I am struggling with. Praise God again today!

But unfortunately, that's what's hidden in my heart, that there's a plan. And I'm a part of it. Whether I want to believe it or not.

2007-05-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

I spoke a couple of times with Katy. She's a very nice person who will greet you with her crisp voice asking you genuinely about things important and not important. I visited InkTank regularly when it was small, when it has the "Rubbish" store that sold second-hand donated things from people that they sell to pay the rent for the space. Sometimes I went inside to see the poetry readings or anything else that was going on. It was refreshing to know there's a place for us to voice our words with confidence, that listening was part of the equation, that you're not the only one making sound with your keyboard in your room.

InkTank created conversations, although sometimes I thought there was bias in the conversation, but how could they not? Overtime, I stopped going to InkTank, I planned to go to their writing groups, but the plan remains a plan since I had other group meetings at the same time. But I know that InkTank had made a difference in many people's life, created activities for the homeless, engaging them in conversation, developing their confidence, and letting them know that someone does care, not of the physical need, but the need unseen. What Katy had done was amazing.

I was listening to her essay at the local This I believe series (link below), and I cried with her as she reveal her story. Hers is unique, but has similarities with other stories I heard. That Someone is in charge. That there is a plan for each one of us, whether we want to believe it or not. Unfortunately, we would start to listen to the Voice when our lives fall apart, when we could not see with our own eyes and then we will start to listen. This happened to me too, and I am sure many of us.

Julee and I talked about this, we've talked about how we've messed up in the process of growing up, and that we've rarely knew anyone who could grow without messing things up. And then I remember the bible said that in our weakest, God is the strongest. He wants us to be part of His plan, whether we want to believe it or not. Praise God!

Title was taken from Katy Holwadel's essay for WVXU This I Believe.

Listen to your life.

2007-05-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. - Frederick Buechner

There are certain songs when I listened to it, reminds me of someone, some place, some time. For example, La Cienega Just Smiled reminds me of an intersection of my life, when I had to choose and by God's grace I chose the right way. Ryan Adams wrote the song with an exact inspiration when he was standing on La Cienga boulevard in LA and another street that its name I couldn't recall, when he remembers the past and thinking about the present of his life at that moment. I've never knew how these kinds of thoughts were transfered through notes, music, and atmosphere created by the music that filled the entire room. I remember the first time I heard the song was from Felicity (it's a big confession: I used to be a nerd for Felicity Porter, I would watch the entire four seasons in one weekend). I also remember when and where I listened to that song for the first time. And another moment I listened to that song at the Blind Lemon, sang by a local musician I couldn't recall the name and somehow I felt that it reminded me to rethink of what I had been doing with my life. It was one moment after another, that song feels more "religious" to me than any other.

Of course there's more songs!

Such as Landslide from FleetwoodMac (I also like the Dixie Chick's version), but I remember the mere moment I listened to that song and every time I heard it; it would always brought me back to the same exact moment. The morning of November 11, 2002, when I realized that I had built my life around something that was not worth built around to. Of course, how I could I ignore God, the only One worth building our lives around. "Seek His Kingdom first and everything else will be added to you." said it all. But God never gave up on me, and here I am five years later, with my life granted to me!

Or that song I'll fly away by AlisonKraus, will remind me of a Saturday summer day in Findlay Market, when Angie and I hang out often, and Amos played his guitar and three of us would sing. The song has a peaceful note that reminds me of what I want in the future for my funeral ceremony. You're right to think that I am weird to think of this, but, a place with God is a place I wanted to be at, forever, and if that time comes, I would want all the world to rejoice with my soul. On that note, to think of where all of us are and what has happened in our life is mindblogging. You can't never know the future, but with God, there's always peace in the future.

Another song was from the Hymn, It is well with my soul, reminds me of being in church with my mom and dad, when I was here by myself and think that my parents are in God's sovereign hands, is a complete peace.

Or how the Beatles is always reminds me of my childhood cause they'd be in my dad's player list, how I made up words in English without knowing the meaning of it, as long as I can sing along, I was happy. No body complaints, so that was good!

And then there was Nessun Dorma, from the opera Turandot, which reminds me of three fire related incident in my life that also my way to interpret God's message. The first fire was in my apartment, and the second and third one was when I went to the opera; at the Music Hall, we had to get out twice because of false alarm and someone fell on the steps on the third floor. I think the poor man had a heart attack. I didn't know if that was a very sad opera involving a very stubborn cold-hearted princess, or because I was thinking about my own situation, every time I heard the song, it took me back to that very moment when I was in the process of coming back to God. Ah, God is good, it seems that He would used everything to just talk to me.

The sounds of my life is a serenade of God's work in me. It is completely appropriate, even when there's pain to endure, and there's heart yet to heal, and a child who consistently resist to grow up in me, to thank God for his work in my life.

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her.

2007-05-18T04:15:00.000-07:00

It has happened because neither you nor I wanted to give that person what he or she needed. Mother Teresa

I've learned something about giving.
My ex-boss whose also my friend whom I worked with throughout my college life said that she would never gave a beggar money. She said it would encourage them to be lazy.

Over the years living in downtown, I've learned that some people tend to lie to get what they want. I've never gave anyone money because I knew (how did I know?) that it will be used to buy drugs or beer. Some people we saw around the stadium even said with a cardboard Why lie? I need a beer sign. That was not funny, by the way, and I have never given any money to these folks. I was driving from Dayton and I am running out of gas. Or, I have three kids and I just lose my job. Or I haven't had anything to eat today. These used to be so difficult for me to comprehend, especially after reading the Sidewalk book, where a beggar in New York City could make more money than someone who work nine to five stuffing envelope! That didn't sound fair to me. But how I differentiate what's true and what's not true. I stumbled upon these for so many years, until a couple of months ago, I met this great person, one of the most generous person I know, whose life has been touched by Jesus. This friend of mine said, who are you to judge that something is true or not true? What if it's true and you had a chance to save a life? What's not true is not your business. The whole conversation was laid upon how God would use us to help others (who else would do this?). And how we need to trust God that He will use all the bad situation, bad intention for the good. He is God. Who are we to question his command?

My friend gave me an example: so, you may be given a couple of dollars to an addict and he is going to use the money to buy drugs. The key is to pray before you give the money. Pray that God will use the money for his purpose, to get this person to know Him. You can't limit what God could do with it. May be he will go and buy some weed, but may be God will stir his heart after he talked to you and finally found that someone does care. May be he was just in a bad life situation and he just need some assurance and hope. The entire message told me that, by giving, you have done what God told you. And the rest of the story is His story. The rest of the story, what the other person will do with the money or the things you gave is His business. And God surely know what He's doing.

I know when God speaks to me: He stops my thoughts with a pause and something else came up in my mind and I know that's not mine.

God did that again last week. On Saturday, I organized a neighborhood clean up where I work. As I was waiting for people to show up, a lady came to me and said she just started to work and paid all her bills and she had nothing left for food in a week. This sounds like a familiar note, isn't it? In my mind, it's like a repeated sentence that I've memorized to know that someone was trying to make up something just to get something. I told her we will have food later in the day after the clean up. And she said, that's not enough because I need food for the week. I let her go. But she was in my mind all weekend long and on Monday I bought some groceries for her and drop them off her house. I've never seen her before, which is rare because I've known most of the people who live here, so I asked her neighbor, a community leader, if she knew who that lady was, and left the groceries with her. It doesn't cost me anything other than the same trip to the groceries I used to do, but still, it's difficult for me because my grocery bag contains only veggies and fruit and may be peanut butter! I bought her things that I would eat. After all that, I thought of so many opportunities I could help people when they asked me but I let go because of the thought that they might not telling me the truth. And how many times I have missed the opportunities to give.

Should we give out of want or out of need.
This friend of mine gave me a perfect example of how God is using him to bless other people around him. He set aside his savings to buy his co-worker a car so that he can go to work everyday. He always thought of it through before acting on giving, it's not like it's an impulse. He could care less what people think of him, his motivation was only to bless the people around him! It's easy for him to give money for a good cause, and it seems that he can control himself to be careful in his other not important spending such as eating out. He might not know this cause I know he won't read my blog, but I am inspired by what he does with his life.

Last night, I had another conversation with another friend who said, if I give to everyone who asked me things, I'll be broke. Really. Think about those guys who approached me in the garage (he works in downtown) and some people on the street. Do you think we should give out of what they want or what they need? I could understand what he said, being living and used to work in downtown, these kinds of scenarios are familiar. But, once again, who are we to judge that people asked for what they want? How do we know? but my argument to this, was, that we should ask God for provision before giving people money.

Smile is probably the biggest present.
When I walked around the neighborhood, that's what I tried to do. Just smile to the next person I saw on the street. It's not easy because I can't expect everyone to smile back to me; some people are bitter with life, some people are bitter with other people, they don't trust me sometimes. I see despair, I see the hole, the emptiness in their eyes that could only be filled by Jesus. Saying how are you doing or good morning is not easy for them either. But I believe that smile is the easiest gift I can give to them, even if I have to do it again and again at other times before they finally smile back at me.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

2007-05-16T05:00:00.000-07:00

Almost a month later.

Still. Stories from my New Orleans' trip in my head, came up especially on my driving moments to work.

Story one.
I can't remember who told the story, but the story goes like this.
A man was sitting on top of his roof when his house was covered by water. He prayed to God to save his life. He keeps on praying and praying and finally there was someone came on a boat, asking this man to go with him. He said, no, I am waiting for God to rescue me. And then a helicopter came and he was also offered the same thing. He said, no, I am waiting for God to rescue me. And he died because he stayed on too long without food and he finally was drowned. He went to heaven and ask God, why didn't you rescue me? and God said, well, I sent a boat and a helicopter but you won't go with any of them.
It's funny that sometimes we didn't recognize that God helped people through other people. Sometimes it is easier to give than it is to receive. I had this thought while driving to work yesterday, thinking about how hard it is for me to receive!

Story two.
On the way to New Orleans, twelve hour ride in a van with only limited stops for coffee and food and bathrooms, five of us invented a game. It's our way to wake up when we can't sleep and there was no book to read. We will go around and say one thing we love. It was fun to get to know what my friends love and what could make them happy. Any self-deprecating remarks will cost a dollar! We continue to play the game in the coffee shops and on the way home. It was such an uplifting way to know others and to know ourselves. But, what are specifically does God love? Thinking of this alone could make me burst to tears. God loves ME!

Thinking about stuff.
How much we are dwell on stuff in life. And how God has the power to just throw our stuff away with our way or his way. It's not that he is being mean by doing that, but he wants us to have the fullness of life by focusing our life in him only. Not our stuff. Still, attachment to stuff creates the hurt and pain in our lives. Is there anything, if anything happened, that I could not live without? That stuff should be the first one I let go.

A church was never about the building. A job was never about what you're doing.
Of course I was reading WalkOn:U2 book on the way to and back. This long quote is one of the many things I think God pointed me to:

It was that very flowing tide where Jesus had commanded His disciples to live. Out there where the city gambles. Where no one believes. Out there among the thieves. In the face of abuse and mockery. Where love violently dies. Out there at their daily Calvary, to take up to their crosses and follow. Not to holler but to follow. If only Jesus had said to Peter, "Pray this prayer and withdraw from the world and make sure you preach in every song," He didn't. He said, "Follow me into a daily dynamic of dilemma where they will misunderstand you and castigate you and call you all kinds of things. It'll be messy, and every decision will not always be on the white or black side of gray, but follow me.Get involved. Where I walked.

I left Cincinnati being tired and bored with my job, I came back with a renewed passion that God will use us where we are.

About rich people.
I am not sure if this is how I digest information that my bias toward rich people is way too bias. I know this and I have been working to give an equal attention to both side, the rich and the not-rich, in the society. I generalized. I blamed rich people for being rich and for paying less taxes and live in a comfortable life when I know many people cannot afford to buy groceries for the week. I know it is not their fault that they are rich. I know some rich people care, but some do not care to others; the point is, they are people just like other people, and I have failed to recognize that. God knocked me on the head. I went on a trip that is sponsored by the VineyardUSA, almost always located in the suburb, where the rich people live! And we were located right next to the suburban part of New Orleans, Kennard, it's like the West-Chester-like area if it is in Cincinnati. God helped me to open my eyes more, that, He loves all people, regardless income or social status, and He touches all people, including those who might not ever found economic hardship. And He uses the blessing He gave to these rich people to bless others. And at the flood, all areas were damaged, regardless of the demographic population. St. Bernard Parish is one of them, where I saw higher-end residential areas were also empty.

I've been thinking on one side, on the negative note.

When thinking that happiness doesn't come from money, I should also think that being rich is not always easy; each of us has our own problem and I should learn to set aside my bias and leave it at home. Jesus' story about the rich man who asked Him what to do if he wants to go to heaven, and ignore His message that he should give away all his money and follow Him applies here. Their blessings are our blessings too.

That what is which and which is what?

2007-05-14T14:48:00.000-07:00

Got it? Exactly, me neither.
My definition of Monday: is the day I realize that my weekend had gone and that Saturday is so far away. And when planning was part of the word I studied and organize is the infinitive title of my job, those were not my best qualities. I work with people and I love people, but being organized and well planned are not the qualities that define me. Ironic.
Monday is the day when I prayed harder that God would control me, reign on me, help me to be positive, and fill my soul because, well, I am usually exhausted from thinking that I have done nothing, thinking about where did my weekend go. This had happened again today, Monday, that I had spent the entire day to think.
Monday is the day when my coworkers would ask, "How's your weekend?" and tell them the stories of my weekend over and over again. I like the questions, but sometimes there were things you don't want to remember, because it would be embarrassing and stupid, such as, loosing your cell phone in a place you don't know (otherwise it won't be called "lost"). And this Monday, I had a lot of voice mail from my friends whom asked me where have I been, was I still alive, did I try to ignore them and blocked their numbers, because, I lost my cell phone and suspended the account, and I won't have another until the end of this week cause I wanted a free one.
Monday is the day I want to be Peter Pan, never grow up. It is the day with the question like, "Now, Dyah..have you ever learned?" and then my mom's voice would fill up my head..."Why didn't you ever forget your nose?"
My sole question is, why God created Monday?
It is just happened, that most of my Mondays are my longest days at work, as in right now, I am waiting for a community meeting that will last until 8:30pm when I am so excited to start painting again with the new materials I just bought, and the library will be closed by the time I got home, so I won't be able to check out the books I had on reserve the whole week.
Monday is the day I would repeat Peter Pan's strategy to keep flying: create happy thoughts, one of them was that "I am glad I wasn't born on Monday".
Another happy thoughts: Now I am glad Monday is almost gone.

Title is from A. A. Hodge quotes: On Monday, when the sun is hot, / I wonder to myself a lot: / `Now is it true, or is it not, / That what is which and which is what?

A mother is something absolutely new.

2007-05-14T03:00:00.000-07:00

The complete quote: the moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. by Rajneesh.

I guess until I became a mother (which currently, that's not written in my future plan.), I will never know how hard it is to be you. My mother worries so much about me, thinking that I am her five year old youngest daughter, no matter how old I am, no matter how many proves she has had, I am always be her five year old youngest daughter, with two ponytails on my head, needing her protections all around the hours. All she does, the messages, the suggestions, the worries, are just her reflections of being a mother. Which, made it difficult for me to share things I am facing, especially difficult situations, because I don't want her to worry more.

My mother couldn't helped of being worry, from time to time I always remind her that she was the one who taught me how to pray, how to trust God, how to surrender, and ultimately, not to worry. But, may be being a mother is more difficult than that...I would never know.

But my friend said, never say never. She always told me that everytime I said I admire her for adopting and raising two children in the seven years! She started when she was 35, thinking that, later than that would be too old to raise a child. I am not saying I am not thinking of getting married, I am, if I ever found that person who loves me, totally love God and agree to spend a lifetime (which is a very long time!?!) with me to just serve God, someone with mission as his life goal. I found probably one or two, but I lost them along the way and too coward to open the backdoor and run to him! O, well. The future one will be better! If a guy is not running to me, most likely I won't; for me, that first initiative tells many things, including what would I get in the future including his leadership capability. I am not being demanding here, I am just following what the bible would say about manhood and womanhood. There is no relationship between superiority or inferiority, but a role of a husband is to lead, and that's the foremost that I want after all those Christ-minded life that this person would have. That's who I want and I am not taking anyone without those qualities; being single is okay with me, it is a gift from God to be able to do more things that otherwise married people couldn't.

So, adopting, that's what I was talking about. Single parenting will be okay for me, if I ever decided to, the only one I am thinking about was the thought of the child having a father figure in her life (I am not going to adopt a boy, I have four mischievous nephews), and it would be hard for her. I've never thought about this until I went to San Francisco last year and walked behind a mother and a daughter who held hands all the way. They stopped once in awhile to see the stores, but they always held hands. I was so touched with that, what a happy couple. And I thought, I want one of those!!

Yesterday was mother's day and what happened with me? I lost my phone before going to the symphony. I "managed" to lose my phone every couple of years, one of the ways to catch up with the cell phone industry and get "updated", or otherwise I would stay with the oldest style since I know I would never spend money for a phone. My phone company always gets me a new one for free and it is in the mail for a couple of days. So, no phone calls to mom on mother's day, I have to wait until tomorrow morning to call her from my office. I think my mom will not miss the call that much because in our country, mothers' day is November 2 (children's day is July 23 and there is no father's day!).

Today at church, they honored all mothers and chose three to give gift baskets to. I admire mothers, they are the hard working people on earth. They work almost 70 hours per week, takes care of everything, and rarely to complaint. At least that's how my mother is. She always gets up early (at four in the morning), get our breakfast ready at 6am (when all of us were at home and at school), and be ready for work herself at 7:30am because she had to commute for 30 minutes. She gets thing done, she's talkative and always entertaining to guests whomever they were. She would do anything to get us what we want, especially if that's for school or church activities. She's retired right now but she serves at church for three more years, learned to preach (she's a deacon but she preaches most of the time because her church has three chapters with only one pastor). She said she's been using my books and my OurDailyBread that I left at home. Thank God for my supermom. Happy mother's day, mom!

Happiness comes in on tiptoe

2007-05-12T02:00:00.000-07:00

The parable of talent had been on my mind this week when thinking about being thirty: that's going to be me next month. The birth day itself doesn't matter for me, it's the reality and the thought of being thirty that I have been dwelling in a couple of months that makes me think of who I am and who God thinks I am.

In his three years of ministry, Jesus always gave parable as an illustration that the society could understand (what a genius is God!). This particular parable of talent was also the answer of my questions of the last two months that I've been asking God. What am I doing with my talents? How could my talents multi-fold (did I just invent a new word? :)) and how could my talents glorify God?

I am doing just enough with my non-profit low-paying job that I love most of the time, but "who-we-are" is not how much we got paid. When I went to PeterBlock's small group last week, someone asked me what is my "ideal" goals in life, I said, retired right now with the thought of being able to volunteer in all cause that we care about, and everyone in the group was laughing. I laughed with them, I had told them the truth.

So, right now, I am working on my other talent that could help me to achieve what I want to achieve that otherwise will not be able to achieve if I only sit there and do nothing after work. My artwork will be all over the town in the next couple of months. It's a daunting task, it takes more of my time alone, but I love to paint so it won't cost me a thing other than less time spent with my friends and activism.

In my schedule right now is the SOS Art for Peace and Justice at the Art Academy, starting on May 25th through June 3rd with hundreds other participants. I am submitting two artworks: Hope is the thing that stands upright and Forgotten. The first one is a story of how we underestimate hope as an instrument of peace, and the second one is an illustration of how putting faces over number could build up our compassion of inequality, poverty, and war that are happening right at this second in our world, to our neighbors; and what are we going to do with it? Sit here and eat our dinner?

In July, I am having a solo artshow at the Starbucks (yes, that's not a misspelled, starbucks!) at Harperspoint Montgomery with the title: Tick. The paintings are about everything that "ticks" me. Several things that motivates me, give me chill, move my butt, makes me cry, makes me laugh, grow a warm feeling in my chest. You'll know it when you see the paintings. Several others are in process at the MarxGallery in Covington, KY and other projects I am working on.

Of all my paintings, I will dedicate at least fifty percent of it for a cause, that will be different in each show, and that's a must in every exhibit I will have in the future. That's my current answer to God's invitation to muti-fold my talent, and I will work on my paintings the rest of the week. I pray that God will fill my head with ideas that comes only from Him and my foremost question everytime I paint is what does He want me to say through it. It takes time, cause, I am always thinking (sometimes too much), am too indecisive in terms of what could create the best painting, and am the worst procrastinator I know. If you read this far, pray for me (thank you! :)).

And happiness comes in on tiptoe...because God speaks in silence.

I went to the CincinnatiSymphony with a friend last night and found this song sang by BebeNeuwirth. The complete lyrics of AQuietThing, by JohnKander:
When it all come true, just the way you planned. It's funny but the bells don't ring. It's a quiet thing, when you hold the world, in your trembling hand. You think you'd hear a choir singing, but it's a quiet thing. There are no exploding fire works, where's the roaring of the crowd. Maybe it's the strange new atmosphere, way up here among the clouds. Happiness comes in on tiptoe, well, what do you know, it's a quiet thing, a very quiet thing...

Book Tag - Influential Books in my life.

2007-05-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

Flashback to August 11, 2006 when I was tagged by Russell Smith about influential books in my life -- here goes:

1. One book that changed your life: Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger.

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: On the Road by Jack Kerouac, The Dead and Live of Great American Cities by Jane Jacobs, Sidewalk by Mitchell Duneier.

3. One book you’d want on a desert island: A Year with CS Lewis, Daily Readings from His Classic Works.

4. One book that made you laugh: Extremely Loud Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer; The Female Brain by Louann Md Brizendine.

5. One book that made you cry: The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

6. One book you wish had been written: Finding Time to Do Absolutely Everything You want to Do in Life.

7. One book you wish had never been written: The World According to Mimi Smartypants (It does exists!) and the Breakup Babe.

8. One book you’re currently reading: Mountains beyond mountains by Tracy Kidder and What's the difference? : manhood and womanhood defined according to the Bible by John Piper.

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Theories of everything : selected, collected, and health-inspected cartoons, 1978-2006 by Roz Chast, Off the books : the underground economy of the urban poor by Sudhir Alladi Venkatesh.

10. Tag 5 others: Since I am so very late, I am not going to tag anyone!

I am exhausted, those are hard questions to answer. Never mind that I violated most of the questions by mentioning more than one book. I'm out.

I painted the green grass. It was fun because I got lots of paint on me.

2007-05-08T03:10:00.000-07:00

Friday morning, I suspected something was going on in front of my apartment. The wall was primed about two weeks before, and that morning I saw scaffolding, a truck, a couple of people more than usual, and someone whom I knew the face but didn't know her name who participated at the Ludlow Street Painting Fest last year. I think they're going to paint a mural.

That's what it looks like at 6:00pm.

I went over and talked to someone there because I was just curious. The mural was painted by Jessy, the new owner of KrafHaus gallery on Main Street, which is a temporary space rented by BillBaum/Urban Sites Properties, known as an "upscale" residential developer. He has a couple of storefront for rent in monthly basis or just daily basis for an occasion/opening or closing ceremony. Instead of paying rent, KraftHaus painted him a mural over another building he owns. I figured that he might not going to do anything with that building in a little while. I am glad though that he's been working on it, at least make the building look pretty, because a year ago, I thought I saw some pigeons lived in the attic.

So, about 25' x 10' wall, took seven (adult) people and two days.

This was a huge affirmation from God, or at least helped me to calm down a bit, with the mural project that I am planning with the VineyardChurch Summer of Service (S.O.S).

Here's the entire project detail:
Three sites, but I am responsible in planning only on two sites, because KeepCincinnatiBeautiful has had one site ready with everything, materials, template, etc.

Exterior walls:
15' x 46'
8’ 9” x 27’ 6”

Interior walls:
8' x 35'
8' x 42'
10’ x 51’4”

All had to be done in four days, i.e. two hours x four; while organizing 200 high school students for all three locations. So, we'll have about 60-70 students per location. My experience is that, we can't get everyone to paint at the same time, even if it will be just "paint by numbers" that I will definitely use in the design! I am sure that we will have to prepare for more activities around the locations that can be done other than painting.

I don't like chaos. And I don't like to see people standing around when they want to work, purposefully coming to work, to serve. And especially high school students at locations that they are not familiar with (they'll come from all over the country). So, careful organizing and planning is the best way to do this, and seeing the mural across the street was done in two days straight, I am sure we'll get the mural done in eighth hours with more people!

Now all I need is my phone, which will be here today, to start talking and asking for paint donations, materials and equipment (brush, bucket, ladder, etc.) and start working on this at my lunch time today. Donating acrylic paints, anyone?

SOS will be a lot of fun!

Quote by Shannon Nakamine, 9 years old, Girl Scout Troop 532, who participated at the Aloha Mural Project, 2002.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

2007-05-06T01:23:00.000-07:00

Looking back to this post, when I thought I would leave a friend because of his destructive behavior, it turned out that God told me a different thing. On one of my usual stop to the church's bookstore, I found this book: Where is your gutter? at the first pages, this book talked about where God leads us to go "outreaching" outside the community of people who already know God. It's the modern way of evangelism through building real relationships with people who otherwise will not know God. The book was written by CraigGross, a pastor and one of the founders of XXXChurch who boldly bring the Good News by going to one of the largest porn convention and built true relationships with people inside the industry.

What exactly is the gutter? The gutter is us. The gutter is where the sin is, it only means that the dirtier the gutter, the bigger call for love is for the people there. The gutter is a place where "christian" rarely go to because they don't want to be "associated" with it, since, they are christian and "live" a clean life. When in God's eye, we're all the same, we need grace from God, and the only one that will differentiate "us" and "them" is when one believe in Jesus as one savior. But that's not IT. Once a person is "saved", God wants us to go back to the gutter to call for more of His love ones. And sometimes He used the dirtiest ones, like Paul, to build His Kingdom on earth.

The book mentioned Craig's walk in his gutter to help us to understand and find our gutter. A lot of the stories shared how this approach is not widely "accepted" by other christians because it was "too dangerous" and is very close to temptations. I was thinking about this also and went back to the strategy WWJD (what would jesus do) and found that indeed, he made friends with the tax collector and showed grace to a woman who committed adultery. Craig's point is, we are called to be "in" the world, but not "of" the world. To be an effective gutter worker, we need to be real follower of Christ who understand the world but do not follow the world order. The other profound point was that, we need not to worry about being influenced by the world because when we're standing on Christ as the foundation, nothing will stop us. My example would be, who else if not U2 (I'll mention something else if I found any :)).

My first gutter will be me. The next one will be my friend (whom I tried to stay away from). Today, I told him and he's a good friend and I love him. And I am in the perfect gutter location in the church of broken people, sinners and losers. I live in the gutter of loss hope and inequality. I work in the gutter of inequality, broken confidence and disappointments.

My example of the gutter was one of the dance club in my neighborhood. I remember vividly when RedChetah was still open, three friends (two were a couple) and I went there. I honestly could not enjoy being in such a place. My couple friends were dancing, and two of us were sitting and "enjoyed" the music. There's nothing to enjoy, really, as far as I could remember, looking at drunk people dance on the table with minimum clothing was not interesting at all. The only thing I could think off was that, "God, this place desperately needs your love." And I didn't do anything to (I didn't realize back then;even now, I seem to have "no time" to jump in this gutter) the invitation of God to jump in the gutter and started a conversation with people around me, as Neal said, to know and be known, just to show our love to them.

One thing that Craig mentioned was, the approach Jesus took was ALWAYS grace and love, not condemnation. Yelling on the street telling people that they're going to hell was not what Jesus did. He came and ate with Zakeus, He asked people who never sin to throw the first stone to the woman who committed adultery.

This book really changed my perspective on "outreach". It was called outreach for a reason, to go out to the gutter, instead of "reachout", staying in the comfort zone to attract people to come in, when we're nowhere near where they are.

Hope is the thing that stands up right

2007-05-05T01:32:00.000-07:00

Thinking about hope.

One.
Hope is the thing that stands up right, lift its head to the angels
with hundreds of hands underground spread, reaching to the invisible.

Two.
On the other side of cosmos, on the other side of time, God moved across the chaos and began to imagine. Colors - blue and green and red and yellow. All the colors somehow mixed together. What would green look alongside blue, with a little thin band of gold to join the two? (Bono's words)

Three.
Hope is like a stretch thin line that joins what it is and what it should be. Unseen but merely a vision of strength and faith in God who dwells inside each one of us.

Four.
We only see a tile, God see a mosaic.

Five.
Romans 5:
"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we^[a]have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we^[b] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we^[c] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Four.
From Wikipedia: "Hope is often the result of faith in that while hope is an emotion, faith carries a divinely inspired and informed form of positive belief."

Five.
Sunday, May 6 2007. Baptism Weekend, VCC. As usual, I like to sit by myself, away from my friends but only surrounded by "strangers" who will not care if I showed emotions. A man who testified about his experience when Jesus saved him from a traumatic childhood and cocaine addiction through prayer. He said, "I know God loves me."

God said,"I love you, Dyah." And I felt an assurance of a circumstance I am facing right now, a complete assurance after I prayed and prayed to God to give me faith as in a child. And that morning I got it. It was a feeling of assurance that God will take care of everything and I need not to worry about anything.

And when I thought about what I should do, Pastor DaveWorkman said (I was suppose to pray when I thought of this), "All we have to do is surrender, God. Surrender and let you be in control."

And that morning I surrender to God again. I have a complete assurance of the situation I am currently facing. In a complete believe even though I don't know how God is going to take care of this. I trust God, because he's God. I put my hope in God. Knowing that I'll be fine and everything will be just fine, like it has always been in my life. Hope is the thing that stands up right, with faith as its foundation, and knowing that God is in control.

I am in love with your mother, not you.

2007-05-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

My fiction jokes about ex-boyfriend's mom, the story that would be all fictions and is dedicated to mothers with sons as a mother's day present from me, the best future daughter in law ever!

Story One.
When I first saw you, you're not that beautiful. There's something about blue eyes that I cannot understand, as if there's a gate to your heart that I can't enter through those blue eyes, just what the looks mean made me dizzy. But I thought you're beautiful because of you're naive enough to think that you can save the world through doing something with your life that made us fall into the same category of naive people who want to save the world by doing what we do.

So I kept you company.

Until you took me home to see your family and I knew they were staring at us behind the curtain, I never thought you're that beautiful, even if you had so many traits I like including your ways to give me more freedom to be away from you.

On Tuesday night, when I told you I love you, I was trying to decide whether "I am infatuated by your beauty" or "I am in love with your mother". Last week over dinner, I slightly mentioned that I was trying to find white chocolate to make you some snacks to bring to the bike trail on Sunday. I set aside the need of white chocolate with more of you to occupy my time, especially after Tuesday night, it seems that you were infatuated too. And on Monday when we came for dinner after that long day in the park, she said, I have something for you, and she gave me two, not just one, two kinds of white chocolate that, you might need those, she said. Her genuine attention stole my heart.

That day when you were trying to teach me corn hole after you promised not to demand to win but merely participating and you had me to pair with your sixty five year old Uncle John, your mother said that your father made coffee just for me. And when I was tired running around chasing your niece in the bike, I was sitting by your mother when she was busy asking me about things that I'd like to answer. She has become my new friend when you're busy running Casey the dog around the house, that I thought was pointless since neither of you need to go anywhere, although looking at you running the dog was entertaining since, well, you're beautiful.

I pointed out the sketch on the wall when she noticed, and without I had to ask, she told me the story, that was the dorm I lived for two years when I went to school to be a nurse. The building is now the GoodSamaritanHospital, my roomate painted that drawing. I couldn't even remember where you were, I think you were outside playing with Alex at the pool. And she asked, I heard you paint? And you're to blame as the one and only source of news, or may be she saw my painting in your room.

Your mother got my name right the first time we met. She bought edamame since I told her I could survive eating only those..last week. She asked me if I were from New York and all about my family. And when you told me she didn't even talk to your last girlfriend, I was flattered because this might mean that she likes me.

But there is a slightly small problem...

I was lying to you that Tuesday night, and now I am more confused because I don't want to break up with you because I am in love with your mother. I want her to be my mother, but not necessarily to keep you as my boyfriend. If I told you the truth, I might not be able to see you and your mother. But if I didn't tell you, I might have to pretend that I even like you, when, I can't stand being around you any more second, now.

So, what a girl to do?

PS. We broke up a week later. And my heart was broken because I will never be able to see Linda again. For Linda, if you ever found this blog, Happy Mother's Day!

Oh, we're sinking like stones, All that we fought for,

2007-05-02T06:27:00.001-07:00

that's a comma, not a period..

We we're off work yesterday to celebrate "Mother Jones Day". I know. If it's for the common good, i.e. people first, I am always up for that. I am not afraid to be called anything by anyone. Say it!

It was also a good time for IdentityTheory (an online literary magazine I read) to discuss about the release of the new violation of human rights by the largest corporation in the world whom I've been watching every single movement they made. Read the complete article here.

If you know me well enough, by now you know that there's one way to "torture" me. Just take me to WalMart, on the way home I will need a load of ice cream to cheer me up! Kidding. But I am not kidding about my attitude toward WalMart. I have list of reasons for my attitude, and I believe that I am fighting for a cause and I am not alone.

My best friend Celia, who had known me well enough to get away with teasing me about WalMart to every new person she introduced to me (thank you, Celia!), one time mentioned that WalMart had become one of the major corporations in the world and by that, had gained power to steer the market (and thus, I alone fighting WalMart by not buying anything from the store will not make a difference). Although I know Celia never bought anything from WalMart either because of my stories (except that shower curtain).

She said, WalMart decided what the market wants.

I don't believe that. I still believe in the power of market, the power of people, that if they are well informed, they can make a decision based on what's important for them. And yesterday was a big day for people for the report alone.

I support creating jobs for people, but not by robbing their health care benefits, keeping them in part-time position only and avoiding unions that will hold the company accountable from getting away of their responsibilities.

I am all for new developments, but not if it will destroy old town characters and limited re-usability of the buildings.

Low price is always good, but what if the low prices came from un-fair labor trade?

Low price is always good, but what about the effect of destroying small businesses (unhealthy competition)?

And did I mention promoting commercialism? Big time?

I'd say, people still have the power. WalMart will not survive without people who buy from them. People still have the power to buy or not to buy things (or junk) at WalMart.

Although ColdPlay is not talking about WalMart, I agree with the end sentence of Don'tPanic:
We live in a beautiful world, Yeah we do, yeah we do

Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence...

2007-04-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

I was standing at the front yard of my parents' old house that is now a ruin, with my uniform on ready to go to school, singing, humming a song I couldn't recall, and walking back and forth to track the straight row of bricks on the ground, looking at my moving feet, and thinking "how did I get here?" I was probably four years old. That's my most vivid memories of my childhood.

I was talking to Jenna, a three months old, when my friend was trying to eat something in between holding her. Jenna was lying there, looking at something, not the screen, not the ceiling, not me either. She was trying to say something, may be a story, as I was talking to her about how beautiful the rainbow I saw on the way there. And how I always connect rainbow with hope, where in my world, yellow would be a dominant color. I also talked to her about how I spilled gas on my jeans that I had to go back all the way home and took a shower before anymore people asked if they smelled gas. I was tired to saying, "that's my new perfume..". I don't think Jenna was listening, I think she was interested in telling her own story, whatever it was that she was trying to tell me. And then I realized. I didn't just get here.

I woke up the other day feeling more alive than I've ever been (no, I lied, I had these kinds of moments a couple of times in my life). Not because of the Buckeye Brew Becky and Allisa brought back to me before they went off to take care of things, but because I loved what Nicole and I did with the entire exhibit. The space was like a regular house with inadequate lighting and ugly (ew!) lampshades, one worn out greenish-topped corner table, a couple of "office chairs" and a fake fireplace. It was a nice place that let you host about 200 people at the same time without being bored of bumping into each other the whole time. A nice enough place that has a large bar and a separate dancing floor. But, not for the artworks. I had about a hundred artworks to arrange, and that was the first time I saw the space, the first time I saw the artworks.

This never happened before when I try to set an exhibit. I always knew everything, planned things on paper, calculate the space, the artwork, the flow of people and all that. That was then. I started to work on arranging the artworks and Nicole helped me hanging them on the wall. I forgot when was the last time I arranged an exhibit, but that was what made me wake up alive again. And then I realized, I didn't just get here, to help Becky getting this done. I remember our breakfast meeting, bike "date", telling her, "You can do it," and seeing every answered prayer, watching her do all the work, helping her putting together a submission guidelines, finding options of art galleries, listened to every progress she made and off to the Philippines they will go next week, to bring love and making artworks together with kids. I didn't just get here.

I've been "ignoring" my painting hobby for a long time. Compared with my activities in to write, it's way abandoned, painting to me was always be the "alternative" when I was stuck in writing. But arranging a gallery and selling artworks was a lot of fun. I talked to people about the artworks, listened to artists' stories about their artworks, and to communicate that to those who came, was a lot of fun. We made a lot of money. And for first time, I actually sold my pieces that I donated for the benefit. I don't know if it was I who helped Becky, or if it was she who helped me to reveal my other abandoned instrument of my passion, but I knew, I didn't just get there.

I didn't just changed my major overnight as a coincidence. I didn't just get lucky to know the people I knew who helped me grow, found my passion and actually feel alive. Regret never stayed very long, when I made mistake. God always turned it into an abundant experience. One of the people was my friend Rubi. He described himself as an includer; I've never felt like I was an "outsider" around him and his wife and other friends I've been with. That's almost always the case, by the way, I am too liberal around christians and too conservative around the secular ones (whatever that means, it could be one other post someday). In addition to my cultural background (growing up in Java and had to catch up with childhood books my friends read to get into the conversations), being single, and had an odd job for most people (I've discussed this in previous posts), trying to fit in was a waste of time, all I did was being myself, and Rubi was the best in understanding who/what I want to be. He taught a class at church called "finding your passion" and let us to write down every single thing that we love to be. Tracking back what we were best at, good at, and not so good at, how we view ourselves and how we think God think of us. And art was always became part of me that makes me who I am. I didn't just get here, I know that for sure.

I know God is up to something after the Vineyard called to see if anyone is interested in organizing a mural project in Over-the-Rhine. For their big event, SummerofService, I will be a part of a planning/creative team to put this project together, working with CityGospelMission, another church on Reading and FindlayMarket/KeepCincinnatiBeautiful. And I am not alone in this, I have a team to work with, and more people will join in the implementation part of the project. Oh, I am so excited! I can't wait to see this happen.

God, the God of the universe, knows about this before I was even born. He who created the entire universe, knitted every single cell in me, creatively arranged my DNA to form ME, to be created just for this purpose, right here, at the present, to serve Him, gladly, according to my passion and my purpose in life, to Glorify Him with my life. Now, God, I have one request. Let "me" go out of the way of your Glory. You who dwells in me are doing all of this.

And then Jenna made some "other" noise, the kind of noise, that you know what she's doing was apparent. Babies tend to do that. That's what they're here for. And I had to call her mom cause I am not good at changing diapers (I'll learn that someday..).

title: Switchfoot, DareYoutoMove

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.

2007-04-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls..Mother Teresa.

Yesterday You told me to be silence so that I could listened to you.

That You're distant from the world because of the noise we make. We're adding more to it everyday. One tv, one tv in each room, tv in the bedroom, Ipod, jacket with ipod, mp3, car with video on the back seat, ipod in car, ipod at home. But I have nothing of those around, everything around me is in silence but me.

I am always on the run, my life is full of going here and there and doing this and that. My day is divided by time to do this and time to do that. One time someone said I am hyper, and may be I am hyper and I need to slow down. So, help me to slow down.

Has it been that long or is the answer to my question doesn't exist? Do you wish me to seek You more? What is it in You that You want me to know? No, I don't just want the answer of my question. I want to hear all of what You have to say to me, whether I like it or not.

You did talk to me on the way home from the funeral, telling me that You love me and to comfort me that even if they don't, You do. You, the God of the universe, the Greatest Artist of all time, loves me. But what's the answer to my question? Do I need to wait? For how long?

I will be in silence. I will stop running. I will stop counting times. I will be focus. I will not worry if things are not done in time. I will spend time with You more today in nature. And I will stop saying I will and I will, but just be at rest. So today, help me to be silence so that I can hear more of You. I want more of You.

I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow to keep an appointment with a beech-tree,...

2007-04-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

...or a yellow birch, or an old acquaintance among the pines.

"My Walden moment" happens most often in the city, on its streets and amongst its ugliness and its chaotic life. All I have to do is go downstairs and hop onto its sidewalks. One day a couple of years ago, my long journey in the train was ended when my first encounter with New York life was started. It was eleven o'clock at night when I finally got to the station I aimed to, entering to the life of the city at night, was where I found my peace. I listened to the hum..the sound of people talking as if it were one rhyme of bees in a distance. Transactions, city lights, crowded sidewalks, and there I was, found my Walden moment. And I was at peace.

Another one happened when we decided to go ahead for a day hike in the snow, where nothing else could be heard and everyone, birds, squirrels, and geese were hiding in their nests. The wood was quiet, ready to listen to what God has to say, ready to receive the blessings of the million flakes on its ground. And I was there, also, listening, to what God had to say, among the conversations with friends along the way.

-- title by Thoreau.

Maybe that's what life is...a wink of the eye and winking stars

2007-04-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

Over that short drive we had a conclusion that nearly all the problems in the world exists of miss-communications. Really. I can track it from Adam and Eve and God and Satan in Genesis to the current war, to my current project!

We assumed that what we heard is what the other person's meant.
Funny enough that God created each individual differently through the course of time. Even with siblings, or identical twins, throughout their lives they're picking up experiences, interactions with other people, words, language, encouragements, discouragements, insult, assault and all that jazz. Not only that, our creative God thought that it would be fun to have a variety of races, culture, ethnicity inside the culture, subcultures, each with their own languages, dialect, and customs. (It's just beyond my imagination to manage the human race from genesis to now! (God, don't you have enough things to do? Or may be it's because your Power is just beyond our imagination). And, internally, each person is affected by their feelings, ratios, whether they had taken lunch break or not, to listen carefully what other person's had to say. I remember Neal used to observe that I only hear what I want to hear, as if my ears have some filter to the information that goes through them and only passing on a certain information to my brain. (This is the one time I heard someone told me this. I consider myself a very good listener, though. :-)). And I have told that there are four types of personalities whom will interpret information differently based on how they were raised by their parents (It's from NewLife Ministry, I forgot the author's name or the book title and I am too lazy to look up right now). So, my point is, it is very important to make sure to the other person that you two are on the same page!

Today, I gave in to anger. I resented my coworker. I wish that she would just tell me what she wants instead of making me work for hours/days to think through how the graphic would look like. I am a very particular person when it comes to graphic design and I have to have them align with my satisfaction level. I was done. And she thought it would be something else that it is not.. I suddenly feel so hungry when I aimed to fast today and I am taking lunch right at this moment. At 3:30pm, finishing my salad and a piece of chiabata bread!

Surprisingly (or not) communication is a very important part of my job, that I am sure I am capable of doing (since I have been organizing for almost three years), but how can't we who work in the same office could not communicate well? May be it's because I hadn't eat since yesterday..or because it's so cloudy today..and I counted my coffee intake, it was four cups today so I am okay in that matter.

God, in the other hand, has never failed to communicate with me. Through the bible, history, Jesus, Superman, Paul the Apostle, U2, ChrisTomlin, Mother Jones, the NewYorkTimes, the taxi-driver, Rebecca my neighbor who always sit on my steps, Clinton who sweeps the sidewalk, my life, my family, and my friends; I could find God in them, it seems that when I starve of knowing God, He appears and reappears anywhere I went. And all my life, if He wanted me to listen, he will not stop working until I can really listen. (I call this a whoah moment.) The difference is between how God communicate with us, and how we communicate with others, is a divine attention, based on unmeasurable love. He loves me so much He will never let me go anywhere else but to Him.

I could not imagine any other gods, I could not imagine talking to the stars without my "god" talking back to me. I could not imagine a god who just communicate to me through "winking" stars..

But, am I listening to God right now? As I failed to fast, I learned that these are probably what God wants me to learn today:Ask, confirm, after the other person is finished so that you won't waste your time for nothing;Be patient to yourself; Never break the fast in anger..keep fasting!

-- from OnTheRoad, Jack Kerouac

Creation is a finger pointing to God.

2007-04-22T04:00:00.000-07:00

I have an endless fascination over trees. They are my endless art inspirations, give backdrops and foregrounds to my pictures, become the main object of hundreds of them, their dead leaves could dwell in a nice frame on my walls.

Tree always give. They hold water supply, take our carbon waste and provide us with clean air, provide shade for other beings, supply the earth with food, and even their waste nurture soil.

There is no single tree that has the same stem shape, number of leaves, direction of branches. They are durable, could endure weather and seasons.

Trees in cities provides not only a "lung" but also gave wealth to the citizens. The latest research from the University of California of Davis and United States Forest Service, the New York City's street trees provides annual benefit about $122 million. New York receives $5.6 in benefit for every dollar spent on trees. The dollar amount was counted from how much carbon it absorbs that would have to be eliminated from the air through some other means and how much less carbon is emitted by power-generating plants because of a reduced demand for energy resulting from a tree's shade (source: NYTimes Sunday, April 13, 2007)

And get this: Homes with a tree in front sell for almost one percent more than similar homes without trees. Trees in lower-density areas, are more valuable than those in high-density areas, because they provide the greatest environmental benefits. They provide greater shade. Trees with large leaves are more valuable because they consume more carbon dioxide.

One of the theory of "green building" as far as I know, is also based on how tree operates. A regular building will only absorbs energy and produce pollutant instead of generating oxygen as trees. For a building to be "green", it has to use less energy or even, produce its own energy to support its inhabitants. So, a building would have green roof, using solar energy or generate energy from underground, cycle its own water supply instead of just throw the waste on the city system, recycle as much as possible waste that was produced from the building. The building also need to adapt to its environment, climate, and season. So, a "green" building in Cincinnati would be different from one in Texas, for example.

To transfer into a green building requires, if not an entire renovation of a building or may be even possible for a new building only. The homes my company built are all "green"; because they are subsidized, we can provide the highest quality with a reduced cost..On paper, we are making money less than a for-profit developer would. We used 95% efficiency windows, high insulation walls, high efficiency furnish/ac system, and every other aspect that could help the homeowner to reduce their utility bills. We keep trees in renovated houses, salvage the house if it's in a good condition instead of demolishing it. But, transformation into a "green" lifestyle only requires changed state of mind. We can still live in a regular house but live responsibly to reduce energy consumption. How can we reuse, recycle, and conserve as much as energy as we go along with our "normal"life. Such example would be, using cold water to wash clothes, hanging clothes instead of using dryer (that take way more energy than letting the clothes sun-dried or just air-dried), wash dishes by hands, using less papers, installing water filter on tap rather than buying plastic bottled water, using reusable bottle for water, coffee, etc., using less plastic-ware at parties,

and just..simply live with less.

We might not be a tree but we can do something with our excessive lives.

Happy Earth Day!

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.

2007-04-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Not until two days ago I realized, that I am still in pain from loosing a friend.

There's nothing like it. Not even a "relationship" break-up could compare to this. There was no good bye, just an impulse message I left in his voice mail.

How would you say goodbye to a friend?

My friend has been a friend through good and bad time. We're on each other's skin, for more than six years. I knew who he is, he knew who I am. We've hurt each other so much, but we shared good memories too. And I love him. Not in away that a girl could love a boy, but more like a brother, a playmate. Six years of my adult life is a very long time for me. I grew up with him. He grew up with me. Although each of us ran different course in life. I am with Jesus, and he is with himself.

We had our moments, but somehow through our interactions God showed me grace. What grace really means. What patience really means.

There are so many things in my life that would be different without him. Some could be better, some could be worse. Who I am now would be different without or with him. But that's what friends are in my definition.

But two weeks ago, I had to make a decision, a very hard decision that I thought that it would be good for us not to contact each other for awhile. That without seeing each other, each of us could heal and learn from the experience. And I hope he will learn something too. What would you do if you know that your friend is doing something destructive to himself? I stayed with him, because I love him. But what would you do if the destruction eventually hurt you and other people? If I love him, then I need to frankly tell him the truth. I took the risk, I did it, and we haven't talked for two weeks now.

I miss him. But if I love him, I have to show him that he cannot continue what he's doing.

Am I making a mistake or am I doing something right? At what expense? I had prayed about this and God had confirmed that I need to stop contacting him for awhile.

When I think about him, I pray that God will open his heart and continue to work in him. May be without me in his life, but I hope and pray someday he will realize this. And when I think about friendship, I could not imagine how much God must have loved me. He knocked me on the head pretty often, that made me realize that He loves me more than I could fathom. When I went the wrong way, when I need to turn around, when I need to say I am sorry...now, He will heal my pain.

A poem about Definition of A Friend. Author Unknown...
A friend should be radical.
They should love you when you're unlovable,
Hug you when you're unhuggable,
And bear you when you're unbearable.
A friend should be fanatical.
They should cheer when the whole world boos.
Dance when you get good news, and cry when you cry too.
But most of all a friend should be mathematical.
They should multiply the joy,
Divide the sorrow,
Subtract the past,
and Add to tomorrow.
Calculate the need deep in your heart,
and always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.

Because you can't contain me.

2007-04-20T07:04:00.000-07:00

Because you can't contain me.

I am too grand for your soul. And if you want to suck me in, you'll fall apart into pieces because I am stronger than you.
Nothing you will do will hurt me anymore. Nothing.
And there is Someone who has me, control me, live in me, and protected me.

Nothing you said will put me down. Nothing that you will say will make a difference in what I do and what I don't do with my life. It's my life, and it's not even belong to me anymore. Will you survive competing with your creator? I think not.

You've destroyed me, indeed. But someone had lift me up to the sky.
I was never yours. I have never loved you like that. And the love I have is a love of a sister, if you can take me as a sister!

Am I still bitter? Sometimes, who wouldn't? After all I am a human being.
But seeing you hurting other people in front of my eyes just make me want to puke. And I am sorry that it had brought all the pain back to the surface.

This, all of this, was just like a wind that blow my branches but my roots grasped the earth tightly, and my stem is as strong as an ark.

I am sorry for you. I am sorry for your life that revolves around lies.
I hope and pray that God will make you realize that you're not doing a favor to all of eve's daughters. And part of me want to not forgive you for that.

May be love has a limit. Or may be love needs to act a different way.

I am sorry for you, but I don't want to be in the middle of this. This part of my life had turned to ashes.

Nothing that you will do will hurt me anymore. No more.

The title is my own. I've written many of these, letters I've written but never sent. Just a reminder for myself, I wrote this after the meeting with SK on the Saturday in the beginning of summer 2007. I regret that I didn't offer her a prayer, when that's what she needs. She wasn't seeing the fact, she's clouded with what she called love, but not love, I think. You can't let your life to be controlled by other human beings, cause other human beings, just like us, can't be trusted. Only one person, worth building our life around, One who will never disappoints us, One who will always love us, One who will always faithful to us. One who had laid down his life for our transgressions.

SK said she's always mad at God. I didn't ask why. She said because she had lots of unanswered prayers (may be because she was asking a wrong question? SK was in denial, and I had been there, I told her I knew that, I've been there too. But I think she needs more than a courage to get out. She needs God. Jesus.

Dream up the kind of world you want to live in.Dream out loud at high volume.

2007-04-19T10:34:00.000-07:00

Since when do we think government can provide for their citizens? In Nigeria, they can't. So does in many countries, both developing and developed countries.

I met with a long time friend who work in Nigeria but currently is in the US to avoid the chaos of the election there (Election is this Saturday, please pray for peace!). I haven't heard from her since September 2005 and now she came back and told me she was assigned to work in Nigeria and has been living there for one and a half years. Coincidently, I am in the Mission Development team of the Nigeria Water Mission from the CincinnatiVineyard Church and SSE (SelfSustainingEnterprise); it is time for me to dig on more information on culture and day-to-day life in Nigeria from her.

Government doesn't provide basic needs
I was asking for confirmation from her that there is no such thing as "waterworks" department exist. She confirmed it by telling me more stories about how difficult it is to work with the government. This information dropped my jaw the first time I tried to make sense of it. How come a rich country (they're one of the biggest oil producers in the world) could not provide the very basic need of their citizens, such as water.

There are two different kinds of lives in Nigeria. Planned cities and everything else, which could be called slum. Although, I would need to see this through first perspective. I've seen "slum" that are not slum at all, it really depends on what the definition of what's a slum and what's not slum. The ugliness of New York streets define its state as one of the strongest cultural cities in the world. The "slums" in Indonesia were made of an organic-chaos kind of living shaped by the way of life of people. I think slum is a slum when it generates disease, crime-driven society and lack of sense of community.

But her emphasis on how government had more control in cities and villages that determined economic development blew my mind. When an entity in control doesn't even care...I can't imagine what is going on there...

It's a tribe-driven community
There is lack of sense of nationality and locality based on cities where they live. If you're a Nigerian living in Nigeria, it is your tribe that's important, not your city, not your nationality. People are concern about their family and their tribe and more likely to be less concerned with their city/locality or nationality.

Situations in the regions are varies too, in the northern part conflicts happened between religious groups rather than tribes. The center part of the country is the most peaceful one, around the City of Jos and villages where we're going to be working on. The southern part is around Abuja, where there were few conflicts.

I can't speak based on the fact since it is a foreign country to me, but learning from the person who were actually living in the area for almost two years gave me more background pictures to help develop the mission program for this project. This is a common theme in the developing world, a government lack of leadership and rich of corruption. But, who said that society would only depend on the government? A nation's biggest resources is their people. And from what I heard, Nigerians are hardworking, family-loving, spiritual, intelligent people, who happened to have less connection to what's available in the world.

The village leader and SSE, and the people dream up the world where children will not need to wake up at two am to walk for two hours to get a bucket of muddy water. A dream that every school will have more access to clean water. A dream that every family will have more time to relax, to study, to work on the farm rather than struggling for water. A dream that someday, mortality rate from water-related disease will decrease significantly.

as what Bono said..
Here's to the future! The only limitations are the limits of our imagination. Dream up the kind of world you want to live in. Dream out loud at high volume. That's what we do for a living. Bono, U2.

There is no cup of tea big enough to contain Me, there is no book long enough to suit Me

2007-04-18T03:43:00.000-07:00

Jesus is big enough for all the world's affairs. He is big enough for all our sorrows and grieves. He is big enough for our joy. He is big enough to turn the world around. He has done THAT, on the cross and resurrected, with scientific and historical evidence!

One time my friend asked me if I ever got answers of my prayers to God.

I thought, "Are you serious with your questions, because if you are, then we can spend all the time together and still won't be able to cover all the answered prayers I've witness all my life.."

My relationship with Jesus developed through my life, but my mother taught me how to pray directly to Jesus and thought that He is near. She calls him "Gusti Pangeran", it means the The Lord Prince of the Kingdom. The Son of God.

I call him Father, Friend, and Savior.

Where's the water meter?
That question came back to my mind when these past weeks, I've witnessed so many answered prayers since, well, when you prayed more often, then that's the result, more answered prayers. God is big enough for all our prayers. He wants us to pray, to worship Him and to talk to Him.

Last week, we were working on a house on Myrtle Street in N.O. when the water broke, so Neal our team leader asked everyone to go outside to find the water meter where we can turn the water off directly and independently since it's an emergency. We were trying to make sense of where the water meter might be. We have searched every corner, every sidewalk covered with weeds and mud and debris, every single common sense possibility (i.e. comparing with the other houses in the neighborhood of where the water meter is located), and we have called the waterworks even though a neighbor said she had been trying to call them for six months and no one had showed up (sounds familiar..).

We finally stopped searching, gathering and prayed that the Holy Spirit will intervene and found the water meter for us. And if we didn't find it, there must be a reason why the water will continue to run for whatever it is God has planned that our little brains could not comprehend.

We left it at that, and we continued working. We had to leave the work site early to serve food in Gentilly neighborhood, downtown New Orleans.

Is it a coincidence that one of the employees of the waterworks department came to join the neighborhood folks to have dinner with them and Neal talked to him? Problem solved. Prayer was answered. The water was turned off the next day.

Is it a miracle or is it a coincidence? I chose to see it as a miracle and an answered prayer.

Stoked..
I think that was the cutest word I've heard all day yesterday. It came out on my phone. A text message from my friend whom the night before had asked me to pray for him on his decision to go with the Habitat to New Orleans. The Habitat is trying to reach their target to build 180 homes this year for a certain project that I am not aware of the detail. They are calling all previous Americorps volunteers (whom my friend was apart of) to come and help build 80 more houses in a week. No body in his office is allowed to take vacation prior to June and his boss has been so strict about it. He felt that he was called for going down to NO. I prayed for him at night and on the way to lunch the next day. He told me he was stoked thirty minutes later that his boss has approved his request for a week of early vacation. That was the same time when I prayed that God would give him the right answer.

Those are my two recent answered prayers stories..

But sometimes God said no..

Today, thank God that it is them and not you...

2007-04-17T13:17:00.000-07:00

The title sounds cruel.
Reality is cruel.

Why Cho decided to kill his peers? To acquire two guns and magazines, to learn how to shot, and to learn how to shot right takes effort. Did he plan this?

Just a big why in my head while listening to the stories of each victim
and who they were in the world.

I shed my tears for their world that had lost them.
May God be with their family and friends in time of sorrow.

I told myself that it's okay not to know all the answer.
God is in control..

I told my soul, once again, the moment is for me
to once again surrender
to the One who knows my time in the world...

God, I don't know these people. I know I am crying because you are also crying for what happened. What breaks your heart breaks my heart. I am rejoicing with them who are with You now, including LauraAshley..I read her myspace page and I broke down again.

I pray for her family and friends.

I could not imagine the pain.
Of not being able to say goodbye.
Of wondering if they were okay.
Of the hope that was washed away.
Of the sudden lost.

Break the gate of their hearts
to cry out for you, the One who can give comfort.

Title is from WalkOn:TheSpiritualJourneyofU2 I just read. Bono was talking about poverty instead of a massacre from a single act. Someone had chose to bring hell on earth.

The bridge was your bridge

2007-04-17T00:40:00.000-07:00

We ran and ran and ran and we got into the edge of a bridge.
It was a wooden bridge connected with small path only enough for one of us.
You were in front of me, walking with confidence,
while I was there, searching for the next path.

The ropes look fragile,
I was sure no one had never been here for a long time,
and in my mind I was wondering
if this was a good idea after all.
To follow you.
Why was I following you anyway?
How did we end up here?

The bridge changed into only two ropes where my little feet could stand on;
below us, was streaming water, I just hope it was not deep.

Don't you know I am not a good swimmer?
I thought I told you that my biggest fear was drowning, but why I was here?
My mind pictured my mother.
We arrived safely at the other end. But what for?

And I woke up. It didn't make sense.

When I miss you

2007-04-16T00:35:00.000-07:00

When I miss you

I listen to your voice in my cell phone

at the time you came back from work at two a m
I said call me cause I'll be awake
and I slept on the couch instead

at time you tried to catch me
when you were driving from work at five p m
and told me that you just want to say hi

at time you tried to say that you got my message
about that concert ticket when I finally decided to go
when we ended up talking for three hours in the car

Now I miss you,

I listen to your voice in my cell phone.

Note: Instead of a quote, all the poems will have its own title.

Lift my hands and spin around, see the light that I have found..

2007-04-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

My dead heart is now beating, my deepest stains now clean...from the grave you've risen, victoriously...Into marvelous light I am running, out of darkness, out of shame, by the cross, You are the truth, you are the light, you are the way...(from MarvelousLight by CharlieHall)

There are two separate world in New Orleans: One looked as if there were nothing happened. The other seemed like the flood was just dried out...

Myrtle Street, Metairie, downtown New Orleans
Right off of the I-10 East highway, a couple of blocks from Canal Street, the street were dead. Houses are empty, although sometimes there are RVs or mobile homes sitting on the front yard. Usually you'll see a mark of cross with signs on the wall near the doors, symbolizing the signs that the house had been searched, for how many human bodies found or animals found in the house after the flood. Last week was twenty months after the flood. TWENTY MONTHS. And the house we worked on hasn't been touched. Literally.

Almost similar scene we found around the levy, the Lower Ninth Ward and Upper Ninth Ward. The remain was one tree lined street. Sometimes we saw steps without a house, where there should be a house. Sometimes we saw a house, leaning forty five degrees toward the earth. One other time we saw a house, standing still, with a Do-Not-Demolish sign on it. And if there was a house, there would be a sign of rescue team leaving marks on the door informing if they found bodies or pets.

Bourbon Street, French Quarter, downtown New Orleans...
Three blocks from the river walk. Blazing music, people walking around with cups on hands. Possibly liquor, or beer. Laughing. Having fun. TWENTY MONTHS after the storm. There was no sign of after flood. All businesses had came back. Mother's, one of the most famous restaurants next to the Quarter had lines out to the front door.

I had a great time working in New Orleans, gutting houses with the people from MercyResponse.com. For one time in my life I had a blast on doing work for my love for God with the right motivation of just that, because I love God and God asked me to love my neighbors. But it doesn't mean that things didn't make me angry. The trip was not about me and about what I felt, but about God and how God could use my time to glorify his name. But my brain hasn't stopped processing the overwhelming sense of inequalities I breathed in New Orleans..

The poor was always the ones left behind. Although the flood affected all neighborhoods located under the water regardless of income (obviously), still, those who had more resources and access to resources such as flood insurance were able to recover sooner than those who were unfortunate. The first homeowner we worked with was an 81 year old lady whom we didn't see. We only saw her pastor prior to when we started working. We never knew if the lady would came back to the house, but what we did was the next step before she could even talk to the city to either demolish the house or to rehab it. One of our team members talked to a neighbor who had came back from Tennessee after a year because she was told that she could get grant money to repair her house. The one condition to receive the grant is to stay in the house for three years. She is now back to her damaged home but she can't cash the check because of red tape problems (The federal government had dedicated $10 million community block grant for the recovery effot, but red tape gets in the way for the money to get to residents). How could such thing happen to the world most organize/advance country? Is it because she was poor that she had less access to resources and had to wait until who-knows-when? Meanwhile, people (those planners!!) were talking about how New Orleans had such a potential to become a sustainable city. How could a place be sustainable without the people?? What is a city without its people?? What they need is a decent, livable house for the moment, while they are recovering from the lost, of memories, life, family members, friends, place, and everything else that was washed away from the flood.

In some ways I could understand how visionaries (like planners) would see this as an opportunity to rebuild the city as a better community, but...sometimes, we need to remember what's real and what's not. what's urgent and what can be done later...

A sense of hope came when some of us talked to a neighbor, who is a renter for the house across the street. He is an immigrant who was originally from Honduras. He said he made about $200 a day with his friends, just picking up appliances and metals from junk people thrown away everyday. The city hired contractors to pick up debris and dumps from houses that are gutted. Every contractor has their own district that they're in charge with. They responded very quickly. I felt that God is recycling the entire city. With the amount of despair in the air, there are hope where people from all over the country came down and helped. Anyone could help if you can breath. When the entire city is damaged, there was no neighbor left to cry to help to..

The second house we worked on was on South St Patrick, off of Canal Street, Metairie neighborhood. We sense that people were glad to see us. We had to wait for the homeowner because she was stuck in traffic, so we played softball with ball made of duck-tape and shovel as bat until someone gave us a real ball and a bat. Raffiel, a boy from the neighborhood saw us and joined with us to play. When the owner arrived, she told us that no one had played in the ball field since the storm.

A fire truck came by to check hydrants around us, and the chief came and talked to us while we were taking a break. He thanked us for coming, chatted with us and told us all about what happened after the flood. He lived in the suburb where the ground was higher that the damaged in his house was nothing compared to what this neighborhood had. I grasped more hope than despair after talking to the people. It is amazing how we "boxed" God into our own tiny brain that couldn't even comprehend the power that He has to move around suffering into joy, despair into hope, dark into light. God will use every flaw on earth and turn it around for his glory. I was coming back into my thoughts of how human being has a privilege to make a choice whether to bring hell or heaven on earth. We have the freedom to just choose and be God's hands and feet to make heaven happen on earth.

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything

2007-04-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

It's a made up story...

A letter for Sharon from my heart.

Dear Sharon, I had a dream last night. It was you and I walking on the bridge. In a rhythm as if our hearts are in the same rhyme. You didn't say a word. I tried to talk to you but it seems you never gave me a chance to. The dream was gray and blue. And then we came to the other side of the river and I woke up.

Was everything make sense to you right now? I think not. You were on my shoes four years ago, but it was you and me who were in the picture, not you and her. I would not dare to ask you how you feel, for I know for sure, it was not easy for me to take that time. He turned my world upside down, every lies was true, every truth was a lie. All I can do, Sharon, was an offer to listen to you, and to say nothing. Because I know how you feel.

I heard a lot about you, what you were doing and what you've been up to. Sometimes I saw your knitting project, your room, your garden and what you planted, and your pictures when we were in your place. The great divide seems to separate us from being friends, and none of us wanted to start anything. That one very deep similarity in us was the sole reason for us not to be friends.

That morning I saw you entering the church and sat on the pew, I was hoping you would look at me so I could say hi and give you comfort. May be a hug or an hour by the tree to be your ears. But you left right away and all I could do was to pray for you and your peace of mind. That easter afternoon when you called me and woke me up from the illusion that everything was a lie. I was as surprised as you, perhaps, but I was glad that you called.

We shed tears and my heart was pounding faster. You and I on the line. I could feel your pain, I wish I could hug you that time. We shared laughter too over similar lies told to us. Be strong, Sharon. Take comfort that there is nothing in the world is in our control. None. Take comfort that life is in your side, and that God loves you. We can try to get this right, but only God has the power over a man's heart.

You and I might have heard the same stories. Do you remember the GivingTree? Have you heard that nonsense? A story about a love everlasting from a tree to the boy by giving everything she has? You know what's missing from that story? A command from God: to love another as yourself. The tree need to love herself first before she is capable to love the boy. I refused to do what she did. Now, it's your decision for your own life, for the life God has given to you. Where did you build the foundation of your life upon? For my story of the tree, the boy simply was not enough.

I have no regrets, Sharon. God had given me more after that episode, once in my life I could say I want to live, not for me, but for what God can use my life. I had found true love from that episode of life.

So, next time I see you, in the library or on the street, please let me give you a hug. I love you because God loves you.

Title is a quote by William Shakespeare.

There's a certain slant of light

2007-04-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

The earth day came earlier this year. Two days ago, the Supreme Court has ruled that carbon dioxide is a pollutant under the Clean Air Act and the U.S. EPA should regulate it as such. When such rule is regulated in one of the world's biggest producer of CO2, the impact will be profound for the entire planet. The debate over whether CO2 is a pollutant or an important substance to support life (therefore not to be classified as pollutant) doesn't change the reality that it has contributed to the raising temperature of the earth. And as one of the most advance industrial countries, this country has a power either to control(if stopping is entirely absurd) or not to control the production of this gas.

The regulation will be effective in 2009 in twelve states including California (exclude Ohio here..*hiks*). The EPA has no choice other than to regulate CO2 as a pollutant as other green gas houses.

I was so happy to hear about this, because I remember discussing about this matter in class a few years back. I remember came back from school upset just to think about how many people got away with they did, although I was upset mostly not because industries got away with polluting the environment but just because there's nothing could stop the raising percentage of CO2 in the air. The industry is not the only one to blame, but automobile gave more contribution over the production of carbon dioxide, which why, the first step that the state of California will implement is to limit the carbon production in cars.

Will it work? well, it doesn't hurt to try. It certainly a slant of hope, just as EmilyDickinson said in her poem...

But there are much more hope to offer from us the common society. This article from the NewYorkTimes reviewed an environmentalist who said he walked the walk of Jesus: to be the steward of the environment by driving a hybrid and doing as much as he can to save the energy usage in his household, and everything else in his lifestyle that shows he cares about the environment, such as buying used things in purpose. All by choice. Of course Jesus didn't drive a Prius, but, we got the analogy; Jesus is not occupied by his surrounding; his definition of enough, is just enough, not by greed or want. He provided enough food for 5,000 people from the fish and bread, he made enough wine for the wedding party. Jesus was even homeless, he didn't own anything but the clothes he wore.

By choice, we can help to protect the world that we are in right now. It is encouraging to see this evangelist' effort, and more efforts I've read and heard from many Jesus' followers to have this understanding. For me, it's not just what he does to be a good steward for the environment, but also why he does what he does, matters.

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life

2007-04-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

Saying things, anything - like water, iceberg, fire. Happy things like old voice message you kept for you to listen to as if that someone was talking to you. Delightful things like the smell of campfire, first rain on dry soil in summer, or fresh baked zucchini bread with cinnamon on it.

Saying things, anything - like how odd are the questions popped in your head when you're in the shower, as if the shower is a holly, quite place, where you're most connected to your savior. Or is it about being naked, completely uncovered, like your soul is to Him. What do you think of me, God? Or is it about the process of cleansing, as what God does everyday in our life? Or why you keep hanging on the keys of the house that doesn't exist anymore? or another question like, is it the right thing to do? When you answered that with the other question as, What is it that what you want? And in the end, you know what you want and you know for sure that's what God wants you to do.

Saying things, anything - like how does it feel being TerryGross? She got paid to talk to people about things they love to do in life? How cool is that? How she saw people through their shoes, how being genuinely interested to other people not just because it's her job, but because she was interested, is a very attractive occupation. How learning new things everyday is a very attractive life.

Saying things, anything - like the happiness flows in my heart to listen to you talking to me last night. Thank You for getting me up at one am just to give me those thoughts...I am ready for a new task, whichever task, right here right now or tomorrow there...I am ready...

Saying things, anything - like how I can't wait to go home right now, to go to garden class and then go back home to start thinking about what to put on the canvas. How drifting away in my thoughts is very addictive.

Saying things, anything - like the silent sea of cornfields when driving in a long road. One tree stand in the middle. A long stretched barn in another side. A gated farm house with a couple of horses. A fog blogging our view. The drive-in we've never went to...The movie I despise that you liked...

Saying things, like dreaming, about the past, the past that let me to today, today that let me back to the past and say praise, praise that give me hope for tomorrow, tomorrow that help me to be who want to be, to be the best of me, me..the luckiest girl in the world, the world that has nothing I want, the want that I know for sure, sure it made me certain that I know how to live, living.

Saying things, like friendship, that sometimes requires some pauses that each other's need to be healthy. Which one is earlier, to love yourself or to love others...when definition of a friend is someone who cries with you when you cry, multiply joy, divide sorrows, and subtract mistakes. When a friend decided to leave you, does that end friendship?

They speak to the eternal hope in Christ

2007-04-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

By Horatio Spafford.

His story reminds me of Job, how one suffering follow the other. He loss his property from the great Chicago fire, and decided to take his family to Europe for vacation. His wife and three kids left ahead of him when the ship was struck by an iron sailing vessel and only his wife survived. There was only faith that could made a man stand still in the situation like this. I could feel his strong faith strengthen mine through the song. My savior is the only one safe refuge from whatever happened in my world.

Source: Wikipedia

May be death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another

2007-03-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

Through the long road I came with enough time to think what his life meant to all of us, and to my friend and I. His obituaries, four paragraphs, was published in three days in all newspapers in the region; that's how important his life was, for his patient, his family, church family, and his community. But is that how life will be remembered - in an obituary -?

There was a song I listened to on that long road. It said that many people had achievements, this so-and-so was good in such-and-such, but the singer wants people to remember this in her life: that she chose to love.

He loved through his life, his work, his family, and his encounter to each one of us, including me. I can see his genuine attention to me, one of his son's friends. He showed that he cared, with what he had, his knowledge and sense of humor, he showed that he cared. Does God always take good people to come to him earlier? And who am I to question God? I am glad he's not suffering anymore for his soul is with God.

I saw one girl crying in front of me. Who was she? His student? His secretary? His nurse? Why did it took her so long to move? I wasn't being impatient, but I was just wondering why she showed her grieved in front of us, and I prayed that she will be able to go through it.

I was worried because my friend, whom dad passed away, didn't show grief. I was worried that he was just hiding it, just as he was hiding all his life covered within the depth of his all changing wreck less relationships (it depends on how you define a relationship). He was working as usual, eating at the visitation, smiling and not showing grief. I was worried if he can take this. I hope and pray that God will help him to go through the grief.

For me, the visitation and the funeral is also a funeral of my own grief, my own past life that I know God already forgave. It's the funeral of my own pain and guilt. I don't need to feel it, because feelings lies, but I know God had forgiven me.

This is one of the options of I want to put on my grave when I die:
His Grace overflows:
Most of the times she failed, but she chose to love.

Title source: MitchAlbom, TuesdaysWithMorrie

Courage is fear that has said its prayers

2007-03-28T08:07:00.000-07:00

Prayer from Fransiscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
at easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
so that you may live deep with your heart.

May God bless you with anger
at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people
so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war
so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
to turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you enough foolishness
to believe that you can make a difference in the world
so that you can do what others claim cannot be done
to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Bible verses as guide to pray:
Genesis 18, Exodus 15, Exodus 33, 2 Samuel 7, I King 8, 2 Chronicles 20, Ezra 9, Psalm 22, Psalm 104, Daniel 9, Habakkuk 3, Matthew 6, John 17, Collosians 1.

Are you opening like a flower? (2)

2007-03-28T03:44:00.000-07:00

I just finished the book SexGod:ExploringTheEndlessConnections
BetweenSexualityandSpirituality by RobBell.

I had a "whooah" moment. It has been a day and I am still having a whoah moment.

There's more to sexuality than just sex. Rob Bell told the story of God's love for us and how sexuality is embedded in our life as human being.

Here's a couple of points I'd like to share:

God and sex is inseparable. God created sex, then sex is a beautiful thing because everything God created is perfect. But God created sex for a reason, and when it is used outside of its purpose, something will be wrong too.
Human being is sexual being, there are two sides of us, having a body (animal) and having a soul (angel), we can't deny ourselves as animal being and we can't deny that we have soul. That's why we have sexual desire but we also seek for meaning. It explains why emptiness came when we "used" sex outside marriage. It explains why life without expressing our sexuality is empty too.
Sex is a mistery; God created it as part of human being to connect with each other. It is more than just "the act of sex" but our entire identity to connect, to feel, to create, to have emotions, to seek for comfort, to sense,
Human being is a free being; God took a risk of giving us freedom, to love Him or not to love Him, to bring hell on earth or to bring heaven on earth. The decision is ours to make.
Relationships, connections, is far bigger than marriage. We can connect with others outside marriage. We can completely become a sexual being even if we're not married; for the people who decided to be single, their connections to others are the expressions of their sexuality, their connection with God is their expressions of sexuality. They are a sexual being and content even if they sleep alone.
Lust equals to lies. Lust promised what it can't deliver. Lust disconnects instead of connects.
Marriage is a unity of a man and a woman. It is a holy unity that reflects the unity between Christ and his church, where submission is mutual, love is the agape kind, and sex is the celebration of the two as sexual beings. A lasting marriage is based on respect. Marriage is a symbol of hope of life on earth, of God's divine plan for us. But marriage is not the end of it. When a person is not married, he/she has the privilege of dedicating his/her life solely to God.
Making a decision to marry someone is making a decision to be spiritually naked, to trust the other person and to become one with him/her, to decide that one would want to get to know the other person into the depth of the soul and to honor God with their unity.
The biggest sin is not sexual sin. The biggest sin is Pride. But whatever sin I had done, God had forgiven me the moment I open my mouth asking for forgiveness.

I love the style and language of this book, the way it flows, its simplicity, its illustrations and connections. I want to quote the beautiful paragraph this author wrote in the appendices:

"Being fully human is our job. Thinking and laughing and arranging and creating and relating and designing and nurturing and responding and reacting and pondering when googling became a verb and wondering and exploring and meditating an acting and making long list of verbs and calling and taking and feeling and sharing and doubting it this paragraph isever going to end and teaching and learning and jumping on a trampoline and sighing and celebrating and dancing and turning to the person next to you and saying: "This is living."

And I still have a whoah moment. Thank God that I am fully human.

Six Words Short Stories

2007-03-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Ernest Hemingway inspired the Guardian that inspired me...All I did was looking up to my journal and retrieved some notes or prayers..

And I froze.
October 10, 2006.

You're never gonna keep me down.
October 6, 2006

My Edo: smile. mischief. and heart.
September 9, 2006

Kiss me even you're miles away.
September 9, 2006

Staring at my computer. It's 12:30 Thursday.
August 23, 2006

I'm equally at fault. It happens.
August 3, 2006

A horrible thing happened. I don't know why.
March 29, 2006

Cold in Tokyo. Rain in Cincinnati.
December 05, 2005

And I'll be back. To serve God.
December 05, 2005

Christmas. Packing in. Packing out.
December 27, 2005

Are you opening like a flower?

2007-03-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

On the day of the Sun, God told me two things: One, the answer to my 10,000 dollar question if I need to find a suitable partner; and Two, that a community of faith is something I need and cannot be traded by anything even Him.

A week ago, through several writing groups I am in, I received an invitation to submit an article about feminism and how "we're not finish" with the work women all over the world are doing to achieve equality. It seems appealing to me, and I do have several issues I want to speak about, but the more I think about it, the more I found that, well, my standard and understanding of feminism is quite different than what the purpose of the article that brought the conclusion that I am not going to submit anything. I agree that such issues as prostitution, women trafficking, women's exploitation for sex-object (although I heard that such thing is women's right to express themselves. I am not gonna argue about this, will just stay out of the subject), assault, domestic violence, are definitely worth fighting; but the issue to "fight" for women's right to be "equal" i.e. similar to men, is not mine to talk about. I believe there's a purpose why God created Adam and Eve and not Adam one and two, or Eve one and Eve two. I believe that equality doesn't mean that women and men have similar role, although I agree that in a family, partnership and submission are a two-way street.

Although I would like to speak up and clear my thoughts about this matter since I am eager to learn about growing closer to God as a woman. How can God use me to do His work in community of faith and society? Whom in the bible I should look up to? I am still puzzled with what Paul said about women and their role in church, although this matter doesn't bring my interest so much because I am not interested in the organization of the church but the church as a community of faith and a body of Christ. These are only some questions I had that brought me into searching for a group of women study the bible with, but with the spark of grace I found one last month but started to come yesterday. This article explained more on women's equality..

What are we going to do with you, you don't fit into the box..
Growing up in a culture where every girl's purpose is to marry, it was very hard for me to fit in. I was not fit in and I will never be, nor do I want to. Sure, I want to marry someday, but, is that it? What if I don't want to marry? What if I like being single? It doesn't mean that I devalue the role of mother and wife. They are very important! I want to find out what I can get in life, how I can enjoy life aside from being a wife and a mother.

In my country, women advancement started in 1941, when a girl called Kartini befriended with a Dutch girl she knew from her father's connection with the Dutch, correspondent and discussed about women's education and advancement in life. The result was a book called "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang," the collection of her letters, that brought women movement in Indonesia. She was the pioneer of the movement that later on, brought women to school and to work. No woman had difficulties in going to school, getting a job, becoming a leader or even a president (our first woman president came into office in 2004).

I am a complete person...
A girl's purpose, even in my family, is to marry and to have children. There is no question asked about that! But, slowly I can talk to my parents about this, about the possibilities of not to marry, and about the advantage I could have by being single. Once I told my mother about the story of MLK's sole secretary who was in charge of all his activities, speeches, and all the background work needed to be done for his activism. This secretary was an amazing "helper" (I know, I will discuss this later) that made everything possible for him to do. Without her, he would not be able to do everything he's done. And that's all possible because she is single (she's still alive, just wrote a book about her role in MLK's life). This is amazing to me, the difference she made with her talent and capacity and how God has used her life. No man, I bet, could do that! My mother still says no..she still prays that I will change my mind and will marry someday. It's not that I don't want to marry, I just can't get through the thought of someone being "not complete" without someone else. To me, that's just wrong. Each individual is complete, we are not to find our "soul mate" because we are complete when we found God. When I have a relationship with Jesus, I am complete. With or without a husband.

But, a sticking sentence I came across from the book we're reading in small group (Everybody'sNormalTillYouGetToKnowThem.). That's one of the things you thought you've mastered and knew until everything was buried under the prison called self. The thought was the second point I mentioned in the first paragraph, that God created us with the purpose to build a community where God is the most glorious. There is no way that, even though each one of us is a complete person, each person could fulfill themselves. The human-shaped hole inside of us, could only be filled with connection with other people. God-shaped hole is another one that define who we are. It makes the entire Jesus' love "law" to love God and to love our neighbor as ourselves is inseparable.

Title source:
Worth Dying For

Are you opening like a flower?

2007-03-23T03:38:00.001-07:00

I am a feminist because I am a christian. A paradox, you say? I think not.

A week ago, through several writing groups I am in, I received an invitation to submit an article about feminism and how "we're not finish" with the work women all over the world are doing to achieve equality. It seems appealing to me, and I do have several issues I want to speak about, but the more I think about it, the more I found that, well, my standard and understanding of feminism is quite different than what the purpose of the article that brought the conclusion that I am not going to submit anything.

Although I would like to speak up and clear my thoughts about this matter since I am eager to learn about growing closer to God as a woman. How can God use me to do His work in community of faith and society? Whom in the bible I should look up to? I am still puzzled with what Paul said about women and their role in church, although this matter doesn't bring my interest so much because I am not interested in the organization of the church but the church as a community of faith and a body of Christ. These are only some questions I had that brought me into searching for a group of women study the bible with, but with the spark of grace I found one last month.

What I got from the Bible...
Because of the first three chapters of the Bible, and the word "suitable helper" and the other word "submission", many people doesn't think that Christianity and feminism can't merge. Where do I fit in?
Growing up in an "eastern" culture where every girl's purpose is to marry, it was very hard for me to fit in. I was not fit in. Sure, I want to marry someday, but, is that it? What if I don't want to marry? What if I like being single? It doesn't mean that I devalue the role of mother and wife. They are very important! But, first I want to find out what I can get in life, how I can enjoy life aside from being a wife and a mother.

In my country, women advancement started in 1941, when a girl called Kartini befriended with a Dutch girl she knew from her father's connection with the Dutch, correspondent and discussed about women's education and advancement in life. The result was a book called "Habis Gelap Terbitlah Terang," the collection of her letters, that brought women movement in Indonesia. She was the pioneer of the movement that later on, brought women to school and to work. No woman had difficulties in going to school, getting a job, becoming a leader or even a president (our first woman president came into office in 2004).

Although I lived among Moslem's culture where there are a vast difference in the role of men and women even in religious life, our society is secular enough to know the difference. Women hold leadership role everywhere.

I have not learned a great deal about women's role in society where I live now. But the fact that even having a female presidential candidate is a challenge for most people blew my mind. What's wrong with that if the person is capable (another question if she is not)?

I am a complete person...
A girl's purpose, even in my family, is to marry and to have children. There is no question asked about that! But, slowly I can talk to my parents about this, about the possibilities of not to marry, and about the advantage I could have by being single. Once I told her about the story of MLK's sole secretary who is in charge of all his activities, speeches, and all the background work needed to be done for his activism. This secretary was an amazing "helper" (I know, I will discuss this later) that made everything possible for him to do. Without her, he would not be able to do everything he's done. And that's all possible because she is single (she's still alive, just wrote a book about her role in MLK's life). This is amazing to me, the difference she made with her talent and capacity and how God has used her life to help MLK. No man, I bet, could do that! My mother still says no..she still prays that I will change my mind and will marry someday. It's not that I don't want to marry, I just can't get through the thought of someone being "not complete" without someone else. To me, that's just wrong. Each individual is complete, we are not to find our "soul mate" because we are complete when we found God. When I have a relationship with Jesus, I am complete. With or without a husband.

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

2007-03-21T11:52:00.001-07:00

Today is the World Water Day. It's the International observance of World Water Day is an initiative that grew out of the 1992 United Nations Conference on Environment and Development (UNCED) in Rio de Janeiro. It's a day to remember crisis happenings under the same sky. The problem of water in Africa is bigger than malaria or AIDS epidemic.

It's the perfect day to remember how much we consume and how we can NOT JUST consume but conserve also. There is a question of what can the world provide for us, but there is a deeper question for me in terms of stewardship, how can we take care of the world God has given to us. If the Lord's prayer mentioned about "Your Will be done in heaven and on earth", how can we make our earth heaven as well.

In times of great inequalities, am I so naive to think that there is hope? That the one who have more could extend generosity while realizing the scarcity so that the one who have less could have more?

Here are some facts to remember:

People have been using potentially harmful sources of water out of necessity that kills 3900 children everyday.
4 of every 10 people in the world do not have access to even a simple pit latrine
2 in 10 have no source of safe drinking-water

In Nigeria, an entire family consume the same amount of water as one person in the US flush the toilet one time. The children need to take water from the well three hours away from their house to get a bucket of unclean water.

Just because there are abundance amongst us, it doesn't mean that the problems disappear.

But in New York City, over 25 years, small changes that was done by each citizen had reduced the amount of water consumption. The small changes are putting water meter, automatically shut off sink, lower water consumption on washing machine. This is happening in the city that has the highest energy consumption in the world. And what it has accomplished gave me a glimpse of hope that "living green" isn't a naive idea after all. Of course there are many other examples such as Seattle that recycled everything, or Portland with its gas-saving transportation system, or even Curitiba (Brazil) that think more advance than many of the cities in the US in terms of public participation. But today is a chance for me to remember the blessings from God that we have water, clean water, ready to drink water, and to remind me not to waste it, when I am brushing my teeth, flush the toilet, washing dishes/clothes, and showering (try to get down five minutes is enough...).

It's better to help people than garden gnome...*

2007-03-21T02:43:00.000-07:00

I had been doing just that, thinking, in my hiatus..

Recently I had struggled with time management. It felt like deja vu, but I am sure I felt this before when I was ten years old. I was a hyperactive kid with more church, more school but less play activities more than anyone in the house. And God shut me down by putting me in bed, lying and only reading, for two months. But this time, my over-achiever self had brought me into a long night of prayer and asking God for discernment, question myself about my motivation (which is very important to me before I ever decided to get involved in anything).

My motivation did not change. It's not the pressure of turning thirty, it's not a desire to do more with the time I have as a single person, it's not my need to connect with others, it's because I want to give all I have for God. When God was not there, so why should we?

But that night I asked God what I should do with everything on my plate, and I realized that all I heard was the word "prioritized". So I did. Although prioritizing causing me to lose a friend, or at least losing his faith in me and causing him to be disappointed with me. But, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I am now in a more ease situation, as if a fifty pound weight was taken from my back. I hope I will be better at that, to just say no to people when they're asking for help; not because I care less, but because a person has a limit of capacity.

For the last three weeks, perhaps, my mind had been taken to the future that I was completely distracted and could not focus on the present. I know that what we have is only the present, and that the future has its own course that we have no control over. Thank God I have a friend to remind me just that. That God had placed us in our path for a reason and that reason was to glorify Him and to seize every opportunity to worship Him with our lives. So I did. Thank God for a good friend.

And this sentence from a my favorite book had settled in my mind for awhile now:
I felt that night, on that stage, under that skull, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live, What exactly made worth of it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming? (ExtremelyLoudAndIncrediblyClose, JonathanSafranFoer.) My good friend's dad is dying, so he said, of throat cancer that came back to attack the entire body after a glimpse of recovery. It seems to me that God took good people first to be with him, which, I could see why, and somehow I am envy of, because they will be able to see God's face sooner. This dad is an amazing servant of God, who devoted his life for service to his patients (he's a doctor), a wonderful father for my friend and his brother, an honorable husband, and a walking encyclopedia who knows everything (for me, at least). To this day, my prayer for him is that God will grant him peace of mind, less pain, and a heart that's ready to embrace anything that could happen. I pray also for his wife, to give her strength and comfort in the difficult time.

Last week, I experienced yet another HolySpirit moment. I was overwhelmed with just how powerful the power of believing is. How powerful faith is. The assurance that we got from being able to raise dollars, to raise support, and to increase involvement for three huge ministry that with a regular mind, calculating the cost only would made one feel like a moron. But with God, everything is possible, and when the idea came from God, He will provide. I am once again was reminded just how great my God is.

Other than those thoughts, I am still struggling with many things, including temptation, thinking about the definition and concept of leadership, and the role of women in church. I am also still in awe with God's blessings of friends, his idea of family of faith, and his direction that had became clearer everyday for my life. Those things, I will dig in the next post.

Jesus loves you.

(*)Sometimes my title doesn't seem to have any connection with my post, and it's not embedded in the entire post but it is in one way to me. The title was a quote from the movie Amelie, when she encouraged her dad to travel more, and to let go of his never ending grieving process of losing his wife by making a garden gnome a friend. It is also telling me about God's direction in my job, and what I am asking him for me to be a servant who helps people.

2007-03-08T13:43:00.000-08:00

Time's funny. When you're a kid, it passes slowly, and next thing you're fifty and your childhood fits into a rusty little box

2007-03-08T11:20:00.000-08:00

The green giant mask is living when I was five years old. She lives in the year when I was alone when mother was at work, father was at the factory, sister and brother were joyfully studying. The place was a house in a ridden neighborhood where density persist. She cannot leave. Somehow she grew bigger than me when I was ten, whispering to my ear about things I don't want to remember, things that remind me to her house, and her friend, and that afternoon. Somehow she managed to translate my thoughts, to switch my point of view from one moment to the other, on the words of father or the words of mother, on the words of sister, and on the words of brother.

Green giant went to school with me, hiding behind my escalated intelligence, underneath my ability to do almost everything I wanted to do, including racing with the boys. Because I know if I could beat the boys, she would be free and leave me alone. But she stays still.

The green giant grew up bigger with my every interactions with others. That somehow I could let go if I could be with the one I like. That somehow green giant would leave me alone if I were with them. But green giant stays still.

Five years ago my pastor helped me to release green giant without he even know it. I thought she was gone but she came back this coming year. I heard God told me how to let her go. "Get a mask, draw her face, and hang here on your wall." So I did. I told everyone that green giant has been with me since I was five. It felt oh, so good to share it with my counselor, with my friend, and another, and another. And somehow she shrinks. and shrinks. and shrinks.

Last night, I made a mask of her. A black face with green eyes, green lips and a stroke of red on her head. She didn't have a stroke of red, but that stroke of red was a mark from getting out of my soul. That stroke of red was the mark of my victory over her. Love cures. And God's love release me from the green giant. And now she is also free. I hang it on the wall with metal wires and put her in a black frame on the long white wall. All alone. Now she knows that it is okay to leave me alone.

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

2007-03-08T04:49:00.000-08:00

Yet another earthquake. Another plane crash. Another flood. Another death. One following the other. Not in a second we doubt, God, that you love us, and that your heart cry with us as these all happens. What can be done, God, what do you want us to do? What can we do is a never ending question in our limited time, limited resources and limited means. But You are the unlimited God. You have it all. Use us to make it happen.

Please be with them. Be with every family who right now is trying to make sense of all things. Why all of a sudden, it felt like everything was taken away. Help us to make sense it all, help us to know and to appreciate life, the greatest gift that You gave us, that as long as we live, we can survive and we can create happiness amongst all that happens.

Please be with us. Be with us whom hearts You have stirred. Not in anger but in compassion. So that we can be your hands and feet, right here and in this moment, where You have put each one for your purpose and your plan. What can we do, God, is not the question, but help us to be your hands and feet.

Thank you for loving us. Thank you for showing us that You care. Thank you for shifting our attention to them. Thank you for the opportunity, once again, to love our neighbors.

Good luck exploring the infinite abbys

2007-03-05T14:00:00.000-08:00

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."
Luke 4:18-19

Click here to watch Paul David Hewson, KBE proclaim what he beliefs to be his purpose on earth.

If we could only be more generous, said the UN Leader who was just retiring from his position at the FAO where he visited more and more villages where extreme poverty exist. It's not rocket science. It's something that we know how to solve yet still exist. Bono said, yes, that's how the world is, but would we give up on that? This morning I flushed my consciously flushed my toilet. I consciously using the extremely warm water in the shower. After researching about how Nigerian could only use sixteen bottles of water everyday for everything they need for the entire family. I still couldn't comprehend why, until I'm standing on their shoes, but that's not the point. Bono, again, said, that we can't really choose who our neighbor is, and if we live in this global village, the Nigerian is also our neighbor. And that's why I am excited that I am part of this big challenge to do something about it! The Jesus "religion" is what I believe could change the world, because He did change the world the first time He set His feet on this earth. Do you know Him?

Race and 12th street. One windy winter morning.
Four years ago I helped mapped the resources for our neighbors who live on the streets. Their homes are the streets, sometimes they get a shelter if they are lucky. None of them wanted to be there, with or without their knowledge. Some were trapped with drugs, the past, or just simply out of luck when three weeks ago everything seems to be alright. Being homeless is not an option, not something you said when you're a child and someone asked you what you want to be when you grow up.
My map wouldn't do any good, I don't think so. Today four years later, none of our friends see them. Some of the facilities perhaps had changed location, defined new services.

That morning, all we could do was to offer them something. Hot chocolate. Tooth brush. Sandwich. Some cookies. We realize all of those are temporary solution of the cold windy winter morning when you don't have nowhere to go or hardly any money left from last week's pay check. But, we brought with us love that overflows. We couldn't help not to give away. And perhaps a prayer. And a smile. A little how are you doing in between.

That was last week, the same exact day as the first day I came to the city and visited the DropInnCenter with a ministry at the college at six o'clock in the morning. Nothing had change. These unfortunate friends are still on the street. And the world hunger is still exist. God get me so upset that morning. But was it God that upset me or should I be upset? This is a problem we know how to solve but couldn't get rid off. But love will solve the world hunger; all God needs are hands and feet. I could be sure of nothing else but this.

One day a far away friend asked me which one is more important to solve first: hatred or the world hunger. Then one other day, I heard on the radio a question: which one is more important, to love others or to preach about salvation. The answers to those is this: The church has left the building. Gone Outreaching. The famous quote from Gandhi: be the change you want to be : is true.

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit Me.

2007-02-26T03:34:00.000-08:00

Once in awhile, God reminds me that my view of Him is distorted or incomplete. We talk to God as a friend, tell him about our day, what's going on today, what we want Him to direct us today, what He has for us for the day, as if He's our friend. It's true that we're a friend of God, that He loves us and that He redeemed us from death so that we can live in freedom.

But, God is also God who started everything and that even the thought of Him we can't contain in our little mind. He reminded me of that this weekend. ChrisTomlin concert, a concert I planned to bail from because I am just overwhelmed with things to do, not for my day job, but for other projects I work on in my own time (thank God for being single and young and free). I like contemporary Christian music, but not so much compare to my other joy of listening to jazz, classical or local music. Beside, it's not "cool", whatever it means. The only reason I listen to this kind of music, is that, the lyrics said words from the bible, or that it is literally speaking of life (without we have to digest it through our creative thoughts because the words are simple). And, when I went to similar concert last year, I was bored to death when my friends left and right danced and sang joyfully. But, I went to the concert anyway this weekend, and I didn't regret it.

God took me into another perspective of how to look at Him. The concert include a presentation of how science had discovered facts that, over and over, confirmed God's authority of life and his indescribable being. That in the universe, the earth is only one small golf ball in the sea of galaxies and stars lies from gazillion light years to the other that we can't even get to in our short life span. But we are also created, perfectly, as a being created in the image of God, regardless how small our place is in the universe, and that God has a purpose for each one of us, and that purpose is to become One with Him, to worship Him in our lives, to love Him and to love others. These are his commands, not his "suggestion". I couldn't even describe the feeling I had. It's overwhelming to know that I, this tiny little soul standing with three square feet personal space, in a planet as big as a golf ball in the sea of galaxies of stars, is loved by, the creator of this world, who didn't even lift a finger to create the universe, and that my soul worth his love, and that He came down to be one of us and saved my life. Because He loves me! God cannot be contained in anything.

When I went home, there is one thing I want to look up at Google: laminin. Check the diagram, look up its shape and be ready. It's a type of protein that glued together every cell that formed our body. It's an affirmation that we can grow to our best potential when we received Jesus as our savior and our God. There's no other way.

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step

2007-02-22T10:22:00.000-08:00

Rarely I found the news as encouraging. So did this morning news about hunger of over 400 million children and malnutrition problems in Darfur or Ethiopia. So, what! we might want to say. We heard the news over and over that somewhat it seems to fill up less capacity of our thoughts. One of the head officers of the UN whose in charge of eradicating the world hunger and his final words was that it was overwhelming to see the world hunger with his own eyes, a problem that we all know how to solve. He said that the world need to be more generous and we all could do better.

The problem with that was not that some developed, wealthy countries are not generous. There is a deeper politics involved in that, for example, I could go back to the BlackGold movie I watched and talked about in the last post. The USAID program has increased its budget to help Ethiopia with commodities but not cash. But, if, only if, fair trade is in effect, Ethiopia will not need any aids after all from anywhere. The sufficiency they have will reach about three times of the aids they currently receive. That's my preliminary thoughts based on the movie, I don't have any elaborate research on that. But all of that make sense. Only if, inequality is erased.

Will fair trade save our world from inequality? May be. Will it save the children that are right now, dying in hunger when there are food to purchase? I think not. The world is cruel, but we can't just say that this is how things are supposed to be either. Do something.

just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you just how big it really is

2007-02-18T21:09:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been to a therapist? Someone who was paid to listen to you, and then hear you asking questions and answer your question by returning the question to you? I'd never believe in therapist or spending my money to listen to myself. But something magical happens mostly when I was listening to myself, talking about things, when the therapist direct you to the events that happened in your life, or the questions in your mind. To me, it's mostly feel like when I was writing. Such as right now, when I write my heart out. Writing the puddle of thoughts in my head. Trying to figure things out. And to really listen.

Don't make a sound...shh..listen..

Going to a therapist, for me, is equal to general check up with doctors, although that also, I rarely do. I dislike doctor and hospital environment..but it's something that I have to do to know that I am okay.

Last week was the first time after several years I went to a counseling session. It was triggered by my resentment of the past, my willingness to be emotionally healthy and ready to be healed if there's something need to be resolved. Therapist will not heal me, but listening to myself will, when God lead me to do that. And I believe the entire path to go to this counseling session last week was also guided by Him.

And something magical happened when I listen to myself. I went home from a one hour session of listening to myself, trying to explain to this stranger about my life. I went home feeling almost nothing but congratulating myself to be able to share what I feel to a stranger that I know can be trusted.

But I was humming something else, that God may heal me through this process and that He will heal me and make me a better person in everyday I wake up. That's all I pray for that night.

The next morning I woke up with a puddle of thoughts getting clearer and I can see the beauty of the paths in my life. How I saw everything in a different light, where I have left out a very significant fact. I have been exposed to a culture full of love expressions in both words and actions. My entire life, my parents and family love me more than any other people I met in life, but they had expressed their love in a different way. Love was not said, but was profoundly acted in my life when I was closer to them.

When I was about ten year old, I was sick and had to stay in bed for almost two months, eating nothing but half-boiled eggs and later on I could eat some snack. Everyday when he got home from work, my dad always brought me my favorite snack. He didn't have to say anything...I knew that he loves me.

The first time I tried to sing in a birthday party when I was four, I completely lost all my thoughts and forgot the words I had to sing. I didn't sing but stood there in front of people for awhile, and then went back to my seat next to my sister. She was old enough to be ashamed of what happened, but she told me "it's okay" instead. I knew then that she loves me.

I left home since I was in high school. When I went home, my mom gave me a "lecture" about one thing and another. Her words seems so long when I really had to listen to back then, but those words came back I was faced by circumstances similar to what she talked about. Every time I thought about it, I knew that all she wanted to say was "I love you".

No matter how many times I screwed up running kites for my brother, he always let me to hold another one, and another one. Although he's six years older than me, he always let me played with him, went fishing, or just listening to his music. His gentle words always melts me down when my stubborn head could not stop thinking about not listening to my mom. She knew just how magical my brother's voice was to me. Although he didn't say it, every hug and kiss from him just meant that he loves me.

My brother traveled to my parents' house for hours, because he knew he could only see me for eight hours, before he went back to work the next morning. Even if he didn't say it, I knew that he loves me.

The puddle of my thoughts is clear now, and when it became muddy, I know just how to cope with it. CS Lewis said that we should look at the past to know what's ahead of us, not to try to forget the past because it won't be possible, but to know how to overcome the circumstances and how to handle everything with love. Because God loves me, I know I can love others too. Because God's grace is overflowing in me, I know I have more to share with the same people who are broken just like me.

Love can overcome everything. It's stronger than death. It's bigger than my past.

With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.

2007-02-11T04:24:00.000-08:00

On Thursday afternoon I am almost finished. I've spent most of the time working on the foreclosure research and I still have more to go until the second week of March. What could be more dull when you're working with data and staring at the screen all day long? But what fuel me was the sound of phone calls from the room across the hall, where my coworker sits down. She's a housing counselor working directly with people who have problems with foreclosure. The phone calls do not stop all day long. She might not be there in her office, and I could hear clearly the messages. "I am gonna loose my house in three days, please call me back." or "I just got laid off and I was behind three months on my house payment. I got the letter from the sheriff yesterday. Please help." or "I don't know where else to go, I am sick and I could not work, and I don't have nowhere to go if I have to leave my house." Those were some of the messages I heard from across the hall. What I am doing might be dull, but there's something wrong in the system when people keep loosing their house...

A very good question from a friend about the word "mortgage". Why is it called mortgage at the first place? Mortgage came from a french word that means dead vow. So when you're signing a mortgage, you could be signing your life away.

The market, policy and the nature of business has changed in the last thirty years. Thirty years ago, low-income and colored people could not get a mortgage. No one would lend money to them to buy a house. The CRA (Community Revitalization Act) came to the rescue, started in 1977, when the banks' and lending institutions' performance s was monitored or else they would not be able to expand. After that, lending institutions started to realize that poor people are market too. It means business to lend to them. Then there's subprime lenders, the good responsible one and the others. They don't care anymore if a person could afford a mortgage within their income. All they want is to get more money and more mortgage as possible from people regardless. With limited knowledge of mortgage and housing market, add to that desperation of owning a house, and add to that life! people were trapped into the mortgage, the dead vow, that lead them into long life misery of not being able to pay, of losing the house, of being in debt as long as they live.

There are too many things to be aware of in terms of mortgage and the nature of how they trapped people, it's getting trickier, I thought there must be a new method created everyday. Baloon payment, adjustable interest rate, late fees that's higher than the mortgage itself, rent-to-own, lease-to-own, interest only payment, the list goes on and on. The offer could come through your friends, your neighbor, your church buddies, but it doesn't justified if the mortgage would lead you to a house or a misery. The key is common sense. Read everything, question everything, never sign anything we don''t understand, never take word for word but get everything in writing.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

2007-02-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

The spin of the leaf came from a combination of many factors that happened at the right time, amount of light, and exact velocity. You can't make it to happen, or you can't help it to happen. All you have to do is waiting for it to happen while happily pedalling your bike. You can feel the wind when you hear the leaves, the branch, and the tree stump touching each other, creating a hizzing sound that you won't only hear, but feel on your bone. You can see the perfect amount of light required that would not only goes through the shady trees as much as it can, but also feel the glow. And you can't stop pedalling while waiting it to happen. The three factors are I think, the factors that would form the perfect spinning leaf.

Thirteen miles two hundred feet has passed by, the wind blows, the sun shines, and the leaves fall, but no leaves form the perfect spin.

One leaf had caught in between my front tire and the break. It made the squicky noise that no one wants to hear. I could not hear a word that you said. Go on, leaf, go on with your life and don't ever come back to me anymore. You were just a leaf that I didn't want because you failed to make a perfect spin.

The other caught on your shoulder and you tried to find out how long would it stay there. It caught on you after you finished your quest to ride without steering for more than one mile. You did it. It was finished, and you need to move on to another quest, which was perfect because the leaf landed on you.

I forgot about the sunny day, crips air, green and yellow leaves, and the smell of the trees. All I can feel was grief, if this is what it is. Moving down my stomach, up to my brain, going through my throat, and somehow reach my eyes. Almost similar with the feeling I had when I was five year old, when I drown and when my dad saved me from water. It's in my chest and told me not to even fight for my life for it's useless.

The only way I know to fight fear, is to face it. And may be tomorrow I will remember the perfect spinning leaf, sunny sunshine early fall day, and the smell of soil touched by the rain for the first time...

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere

2007-02-06T11:00:00.000-08:00

I drink too much coffee. Too much that I don't pause and take time to think of what I've consumed. I've been buying fair traded coffee beans and I thought that was enough to cover the guilt, of not noticing the hardwork of coffee farmers across the continent and not paying the equal price and leave them starve.

I saw BlackGold last night, a movie from the 2006SundanceFilmFestival that reveal the industry, and how understanding and choosing what coffee I buy make a difference. My friend told me, "don't feel guilty after the movie," joking, anticipating that the movie will put guilt on me with the amount of coffee I drink and where I bought them from. I don't, at least try, not to buy from big corporation roasters that don't appreciate the equal value of the bean, such as Starbucks (But even Starbucks can make a difference if they {ever} want to).

One thing I realize from the movie that the bean had a long journey before they reached me. The coffee plant need to be nurtured for five years before it yields cherries that can be picked. Farmers picked, skinned, and meticulously separate the good quality beans from the rest. There were about six chains from farmers to roasters and retailers before they reach costumers that greatly reduced farmers' profit. Buying coffee beans that resulted from this chained trading market, even in its fair trade price, still won't make that much of a difference for coffee farmers. In Ethiopia, farmers received $0.12 per kilogram of coffee while Starbucks sells $2.90 per cup of brewed coffee. In comparison, for one kilo of beans, we can make 80 cups of coffee. Sure, there are processing, distributing cost, etc, but still, the inequality is outrages.

Farmers Co-op organization eliminate the chain, and farmers gained more when consumers purchase coffee from co-op organization. Starbucks is the most obvious corporation that consumed the most coffee in the world, although many others such as PG and SaraLee also ranked the highest. I wonder what could be changed if they take the idea of buying coffee from co-op farmers with equal price. Okay, some of them might now started to sell a small percentage of fair trade coffee, but that's not enough! We'd have a perfect world when corporations think about the producers more than their profit margin.

As a big people power believer, I notice that consumers have the power to drive the market. And big corporations including starbucks knows this (that's why they started to buy fair trade coffee, because organizations such as oxfam organized campaigns to make these giants to change their attitude).

I've never been to Ethiopia, but as far as I know, where coffee grows, food also grows. Although I notice the lack of available water supply might be the challenge to grow food. I can't recall the last time I was hungry. I've never seen anyone being so hungry when a year old baby could weigh only nine pounds. A school cannot even purchase a new black board. The challenge is unbelievable when faced with extreme poverty. People are forced to ignore their ethical values when they are starving: they would grow chat (marijuana substitute that is legal in East Afica and elsewhere but the US) when the price is higher than coffee. Extreme poverty in the world where compassion is abundant is not acceptable. What could we do? Purchase only coop farmers' fair trade coffee beans. Buy coffee from roasters who bought their beans from coop farmers. Find fair trade logo on the package. Accept nothing else.

Time hasn't stopped for any troubles, heartaches, or any other malfunctions of this world, so please don't tell me it will stop for you

2007-02-06T04:33:00.000-08:00

And what about Monster Trucks? Or I should say monster wheels? I was just amazed of where the audience came from. They're not your average football goers, or any other sports of all kinds. There were kids, toddlers, babies (with their parents), men and women with tatooes, the kind who seems like bikers on the road, and teenagers, cheering for their favorite monster truck drivers. And the enthusiasm was amazing! Parking lots was full, online ticket box was empty before the show, and every face seems glowing from the excitement.

And they all came for what? Monster truck. The regular pick up truck modified with giant wheels crushing newly painted old cars with its machine removed, duck in a row. The air quality was bad because of the fuel, evidently this kind of performance should be done outdoors. The sound quality will damage your ears if not ready with some earplugs. Some people even wore the earplugs in a shooting range.

But imagining myself as a monster truck driver, pushing the gas in a rhythm and crushing the cars with the wheels made me ducky! The sport (close enough to sport, I guess), provide a "save" anger management activity. I was sitting there thinking about one more of my problems that I should deal with. You know everyone on earth has one of those. It's gripping you like the past when you don't deal with it right now. And I know exactly that in reality, being a destroyer of junk cars is not the answer, but bravely looking through the past and examining what happened would give us more courage to be a better person in the future. That does guarantee that we won't repeat the past? Not at all, but giving everything to God will lift our burden. Take it from ourselves, and we would be made new again. And I know, I can do this on every sun rise, on every second.

Monster truck was an interesting way to look at a culture. Or subculture. But, the monster truck I saw last week brought me a new perspective to come back to God one more time.

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours

2007-01-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

Mother Teresa was not like the rest of us. She was still human, of course, but unlike me, she's very determined and driven on what she wanted to do with her life. At the age of ten she wanted to be a nun, and she started two years later.

I was reading her life story. How she refused to have a ceremony/party to honor her work and asked if the $6,000 could be sent to the poor in Calcuta. In an interview, someone asked what would a person do to promote the world peace. She said, "Go home and love your family." But her answer is contradictory to what she's done. Her home is in Albania. And her family was there also. She left home to build a charity ministry to take care of the lepper, the sick, everyone who is shunned from their family. And what she had done, was not only creating a "world peace" that had influenced the political situation around the area, but also inspired many people to show care and love to others.

And of course she was not the only one who did the work of taking care of others. But there is something in her humility, her simplicity, that is just different from others. If she was glad and happy helping the poor, was it part of her self-interest that she's doing that? What motivated her, really? Why did she do that? Why she wanted to be a nun?

I believe that motivation matters. Mother Teresa proved it. Many people might do what she did, but her motivation, her love, was just made a world of difference. Her famous motto is "small things done with love will change the world." She didn't say "small things done with love will change the city. or the church. or somebody. She gave away love and it kept coming back to her, making her a well of love where everyone around her could feel.

I might be going to the PCUSA mission trip to the Gulf Coast in March, if I can get my application on time. There are more people interested than the available spot. I will also go with the Vineyard church group to New Orleans in April. Another great thing about my job that lets me keep saving time to use as I please (with the boss' permission, of course).

I am worry about my motivation more than I am worry about budget or timing or my availability at work. I have to admit that one of the reasons I am going is because I feel good when I help others. Does it mean I am being selfish or am I serving other people and fulfilling my needs, too? Or am I doing this because God's love is overflowing in me; it is impossible to hold the fountain shut.

Because of my job, sometimes I had a hard time to fit the schedule to serve with people at my downtown church. But God had led me to another church, who is like me, is overflowing with love, they can't hold the door shut. I am comfortable to go to two churches at the same time. Afterall, it's about the big C church, where Christ is, and how we could further His Kingdom. I have a small group who will go out twice a month greeting people and showing them that God loves them. We coordinate our own supplies. We will go both with the church and by ourselves. My other small group, that consist of more younger crowd, go around downtown more often than I would be. I know how precious the freedom of speech is; I've lived the opposite. I am comfortable to proceed people and hand them God's love without being pushy. We offer prayers only if people wanted to, and most of the time, people are open to prayers. One day in my downtown church, a navigator missionary from Norway who just came back to Ohio said the perfect sentence: "As believers we've loss confidence that people are hungry. And we have the answer."

But until I gave away love, I would never found love. Until I had the right motivation - to love others - I would never completely be satisfied of what I do with my life.

To love at all is to be vulnerable

2007-01-23T13:14:00.000-08:00

The longer version is "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." -- CS Lewis.

I am not just talking about eros, but also platonic love, agape, and love to thy neighbor. It's easy to say it, Jack! But, it hurts like hell when it happened. Muffin was my last attempt to love a pet. He (I thought it was he until I found out the fish was pregnant and gave birth to nine tiny other fish)/she died on me without a cause. I almost, loved her as if she was my friend. And then she selfishly left me with her nine kids alone. What a person should do with nine tiny fish? I didn't cry yet, I was determined that it was my last time to have a pet! I got Muffin from my friend so that I could grew a healthy lotus plant. The lotus plant died and the fish remain, temporarily.

I gathered a courage to have a fish after thinking that it won't hurt that bad if I lost it. I've lost two dogs, a cat, and two rabbits. It was not fun. But it was really not depend on what type of animal it is, it's how we feel towards the creature. I love Muffin, eventhough she was a mosquito fish if compared with other type of fish with lots of physical beauty. Coming home to see Muffin was a treat! Seeing her hiding from me when I gave her food gave me giggle. So when I lost her, it was not fun either.

Losing a love is way more painful because, of course, there were more senses that got involved, more memories created, feelings, reactions remembered. It felt almost like a high dose of serotonin mixed to raise adrenaline. Jack said that I had to be vulnerable to love, and loving is better for our well being than turning ourselves into monsters by containing our hearts in a safety box. Locked. But being able to survive from it was another adventure.

Last night, I asked my best friend how we can find true love. He said, "By not looking for it." The same way with happiness, you don't go around and search for it, just enjoy life and focus life on God.

My sister, the best sister in the world, never gives up on encouraging me to be vulnerable. Although our lives are very different, she tries to understand who I am and who I want to become, and reminding me that, I can't give up on this, because God put the desire in my heart for a reason.

When I lost Muffin, I started to wonder if her death was my fault. When I lost my boyfriend, I wondered about the same thing. I probably contributed in Muffin's death, as my friend told me I was not a very good fish mom because I left her for two days. But, relationship is a two way street, and when it doesn't work, it doesn't mean there were something wrong, it's just, doesn't work. Period.

It took me awhile to get into this point. It has been four months since the break up! And it will take me awhile to love someone again. Until I gather the courage, pick up every piece of it, and start to move on. Vulnerable is not an easy word to spell.

God is dead. -- Nietzche. Nietzche is dead. -- God

2007-01-21T03:20:00.000-08:00

So did Thoreau. The great thinker I admire for his eloquent thought and walked of life to preserve the wild, to enjoy nature in every detail and its broad horizon, the idea of social justice that requires every man/woman to live in freedom to enjoy every life.

The ironic truth that most of the great thinkers, artists, famous people were not acknowledged until they died. As if they should've been born in an older world. As if our stubborn-ness had proved that we refused to listen. As if the words these great thinkers told, the music they created, the novels they wrote need to sink in time before they burst up in the sky and into our brains. We owed to these dead men lessons of life that some we agreed other time we despised. We owed Thoreau to his thoughtfulness to go back to nature, to preserve the wild as a way for us to return to humanity, and to live with others, as much as we owed those thoughts that influenced other great thinkers (and doers) such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King.

Another ironic truth for me (as if truth is liquid, when it's not), is that Thoreau and Gandhi and Martin Luther King were just mortal, who had a life span, an expired date, and later on decomposed into nothingness. There's no difference between them and us, since we're part of the earth also. But there's a difference between us and the birch trees, and the peat moss, and the Walden Pond, and the water, and the fish that live in it. We are creatures with minds, but I heard that dolphin had more intelligence than most animals, and elephants have minds that could recognized themselves, and we heard enough about chimpanzees.

We have souls, they don't.

One thing I realized when I read Thoreau's quotes while staring at a picture of a leaf float on ice, was that how mighty is God who put understanding upon my mind. As if He holds the control of who would believe it and who would not -- that might lead into questioning the fairness of God, but no one could question God -- ; even the three dead people I mentioned had different point of view about God. How different does faith make. And how this faith grew no matter what. And how the faith could grow stronger when I searched more often in every corner. How when I was mind-bogglingly amazed with nature and how it changed and transformed, deconstructed and reincarnated, however adapt; I could see the creator behind all of this, and how my mind could see this because He enabled me to.

Yesterday, God gave me another revelation for life, that "what was I thinking" moment, as his way to safe my future moments. Well, that's another story that won't be told here. But it was definitely not a coinsidence that I heard a christian instrumental music in a greek take out restaurant. I was in a neighborhood of supposedly open-minded, educated people, probably where Nietzche worshipper, Thoreau admirers alike live. When the server hums with the song, I was glad, I thought she knew about it. But then someone asked what kind of music it was, and I was not even thinking anymore when I said it out loud, "It's a christian music, I am humming the lyrics," and then I stopped humming when many eyes stared at me as if I had three feet. I was not ashamed that I am a christian. I have Jesus, you can take the rest of the world from me. I admire Thoreau and took the lessons he had from his writings that I thought was right and pitch the ones that are not. I love MLK for his example of aiming higher in life and work for the supposedly most impossible thing to do and his example of non-violence act to tell our words to the authority. But above all the philosophers I love, I love Jesus, and you can love Jesus in this free country. And I can sing christian songs, even among people who despise christians, or generalized about who we are. I am a friend of Jesus, whether you like it or not.

Don't make me come down there. -- God.

2007-01-18T08:00:00.000-08:00

I am blessed with friends with their own characters whom had taught me to respect differences in backgrounds, cultures and point of views. We seems to agree to disagree, well, most of the times, anyways. More than everything, I am amazed how they could still be my friends despite of my opiniated minds and how my take in certain issues could sound extreme (I realized). Over dinner several weeks ago right after I picked up my car, we talked about silly things the last things you would want to know, to global warming. And then they began to skew their heads a little, noticing this isn't a topic we would agree on.

Soon we went back again to our previous conversations about whether global warming is a hoax or it is true. I used a recent argument about how in the last century we had extremely raised the temperature of the earth to a certain degree that had changed the balance of the environment. Scientists have found ways to track temperatures back to 1000 years ago through digging layers of ice. The truth is, we're melting. Every second.

Now, why would we (christian) "seem" to refuse the facts? God never did say that the world won't change. God said we have to take care of it. And we might have failed to take care of it. I have a lot of respect of scientists because they have the "how" answer; but I know God has the "why" answer of all things.

Each of us then reached the point that, no matter what happened to the world, whether global warming is true (it's true!!!) or not, the three of us agreed that it is our responsibility to sustain the world we live in. To be a steward of what God had given to us.

if love is blind, friendship closes its eyes....

2007-01-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

The beach house was the last place in this world I want to be in knowing what she did. I heard the waves crashing to the rocky beach. In the dark I could feel in my eyes the lighthouse moving its head in a rhythm, offering a certain hope that there was someone out there. She fixed my blanket. She checked if I were awake The next morning, on May 14, 1998, we went back to the city.

Was there something wrong, she said, noticing my silence for the last four hours we were working together in the lab. I said yes but only in my brain.

I showed her the newspaper instead. Yesterday, three students from Trisakti Christian University were shot by the military police while they were demonstrating, demanding to ask Soeharto to resign, to lower gas price, and to clean the government from corruption and nepotism. None of which was new to our ears. I heard that we're having a strike too, today. Are you planning on going? I said to her. I am always skeptical in "repairing" our government; it's just unimaginable to me, the amount of work and the result that will follow is not worth it. And if there is a noble thing to do with my life, trying to cut a three hundred year old banyan tree with a knife is just a waste of time. I am not planning to, she said.

The hour was two and no one was in the building except us and one security guard. I continue to edit the reports while you were working on the graphs. This report needs to be done by tomorrow and we both know we're not supposed to be here. The office of environmental conservation is located about a block away from the main boulevard where the main students’ demonstration was happening. I heard a couple of our classmates are there too. Too many bad things happened when we're protesting; there's nothing in my brain saying that it's a good thing to do. No matter how much we said we practice "non-violence", some inconsiderate people would start the fire, throw some rocks to the military police, turning a car, or any object appeared in their eyes to be burned, and will trigger more violence, more kidnapping, from police.

It was 15:00 p.m. when we heard the gunfire. There was no radio, no TV in this building, only local telephone that connect us to the outside world. No body else unless the two of us in this building. This was one of the days that I was grateful to be alive and ask God to give me more time to live. Nothing we could do except stay there and hide. I talked with my roommate on the phone. We heard that students' demonstration is out of control. The Military Police were arresting each of them. One of my classmates injured in the head.

By six o’clock the situation was under control but for some reason the town was shut down by the incident. The electricity line was cut off and a curfew was enforced. She went to the west; I went to the east side of the campus.

I wish I could say goodbye to her and told her I already forgive her for what she had done that night. I may be her friend, but I am not a judge who decides if what she did was wrong or right. The next morning I found out that the police had randomly arrested the students. I’ve never heard anything from her since she went the other way.

I wish I had a drop of courage to just say it.

*On May 14^th, President Soeharto was forced to resigned after the incident that killed at least six students and countless of injured and missing ones in the demonstration to end the corruption, lower the price of gasoline, and economic recovery. The horrendous violence on May 14 and 15 left estimated 500 dead, and there were other deaths as rioting swept through the cities of Surakarta, Yogyakarta, Semarang, Surabaya, Medan, Bandar Lampung, Palembang, and Ujung Pandang. While an uneasy calm seems to have been restored nationwide as of this writing, the likelihood of another round of violent unrest is high as long as fundamental economic and political problems remain unresolved. Around 570 churches were burned, 3,000 Chinese were raped, and I couldn't recall how many people were killed in that day. Satanic, demonic actions, I would say, that drove the mass to do those horrible things.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know what holds the future.

2007-01-14T04:44:00.000-08:00

It's a relieve to know that some things in life are just beyond our control. I thought of that again, and said, is it? Isn't it painful knowing a destructive situation that we have no control off?

Tonight, again, I was questioning what it means to be a friend. I have good friends, and they meant a lot to me in good and bad times, but last night, I was examining my self if I would be a good friend when I knew a destruction is going on in a friend's life and I don't have a control over. Somethings are just beyond my control in my life, let alone in someone else's. I asked God if I should totally withdraw from the situation and let this friend learn the hard way, or be with them at all times without judging and let the friend realize what's going on.

I don't want my friend to get hurt. It's not like the person doesn't know what's wrong or right. It's not rocket science, but some clouds in our eyes when everything looks rosy ahead of us, we don't know the next turn is a dead end.

At dawn, my conclusion was to support this person by prayers. That's all I know what to do, especially when I don't know what else to do. When I know I am not in control, it was a relieve because I know there's someone who is totally in control of the universe and every creature in it. Things might get rough (or may not) for this person, and being a good friend, all I can do is pray. And let the one who knows the future knows we're surrendering to Him.

A friendship is a treasure beyond measure

2006-12-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

December 26, 2004, I got many phone calls asking if my family was okay, after the tsunami in Aceh. The town located on the tip of Sumatera Island and my family live in Java. Today I heard more good news from Aceh, where the economy starts to perk up, with new businesses, stores, , restaurants and hotels standing up again. After the tsunami, decades of conflict between the locals and central government had achieve an agreement and the Aceh people had their own election to decide their own leader from their own people they desired. Although some infrastructure problems still exist, there is no doubt that houses are being built in a better condition with the billion dollars assistances from the non-government organizations from all over the world. Although grieve are still on the air, thoughts of God and His greatness are being brought up in people's minds. And if death was the great equalizer, the hundreds of thousands lives that were gone in that night were not just gone astray. They were loved and they are still loved and missed.

Which also brought my thoughts of what I have in my life.

Friends and family are people who sometimes we take for granted. My family probably is not the best in the world, but they're the best that God ever given to me. And my friends, my friends are more than just a family.

One listened to me every morning and made me feel loved when I miss my mom.
One adopted me as a family in his big family.
One always asked me questions as if my opinion matters.
One called me up when he had a bad day.
One "lend me" his mom to give me a hug at my christmas away from home.
One helped me to prepare "a line" to answer my parents' usual question.
One stayed with me and offered me ice cream when I had a bad day.
One came over and listened to me when I cried over a heart break.
One told me that I need to figure out what I want before I did a foolish thing.
One noticed my voice and gave me a hug when I needed.
One needed me to listen and gave me opportunity to encourage him.
One gave me a place to spend the night when I lost my keys.
One gave me an advice on being a bum.
One told me that I didn't help when I told him the truth.
One ate the dinner I cooked although it was too salty.
One laughed with me when my dishwasher flooded, instead of making fun of me.
One drove far away just to say goodbye.
One came to my charity event although he has no interest whatsoever.
One said sorry for inexcusably being unattentive with my life.
One took care of my lousy car.
One never judge me.
One pushed me to reduce my coffee intake to only four cups up to this month.
One always encourage me to do what I love.
One asked me for help and made me feel needed.
One took care of my plants just because they were important to me.
One sent me encouraging words just in time.
One spent time with me when she could be elsewhere with people she loves.
And countless ones, had made me laugh and keep me young.

Every encounter we had with other people had a reason. And I believe each one is in my life for a reason. And I also believe that God had sent my friends to tell me He loves me. To my friends, I love you, and have a verry merry christmas.

Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful

2006-12-21T15:45:00.000-08:00

The government isn’t the people. Mary my friend said that when I told her about my frustrations over what’s going on in this country (I am in the coffee island). In this day and age, just because of the ridiculously rigid policy on food import, some people have to eat “beras aking”. Beras aking is dried left over rice that we used to feed ducks with. It’s not like we’re running out of food as in Africa; there’s more food to eat, but they just can’t afford it. Rice is the main thing people eat, although there are other kinds of food available, people have accustomed that rice is present in every meal. It’s not easy to ask people to eat everything else when they are not used to it. And in this case, these people eat rice with banana leaves. BANANA LEAVES! Something that is not even considered as food.

They are human beings like me, cannot afford to buy rice because of the rising price, change of the harvest season, and import protection policy to farming. First things first should apply when people are starving. And there’s no other policy is better than protecting human rights.

In my brain I started to blame the government. But then, blaming the government won’t change anything. In Cincinnati, I have learned greatly about compassion, philanthropy, charity, and other things that would not exist without the legacy of my boss, Jesus the Savior. That change could happen without the government involved.

There are many social services agency here, but they’re just not enough. Our contributions (including mine) to help others are just not sufficient. Indonesia only have about 15% middle class society among the poor. I am not saying there is a lack of compassion; I am just saying that we’re hungry for more.

I am glad there are more people taking advantage of the “democracy” by exercising their rights to conduct more demonstrations, although in the end they have to depend on the justice system which we all know what it stands for. It’s the people who count, not the government. Focusing on what we have instead of what we don’t have is a destructive state of mind.

I am trying to stay at the bright side of life by enjoying coffee, the weather, food, trees, being a hobo by staying with my parents, and the resilient communities who already survived from the last earthquake. Jogja was as vibrant if not more, than the last time I saw it.

Everyday I hear the news about this disaster and that disaster, as if God was playing with the water near the sea throwing rocks over the land where landslide, floods and other environmental damages are happening. And the earth is screaming when we take more than what it has. When will we learn to take care of the environment? But, do we have any other choice when we have to choose between people and nature? We should not have to choose, there’s a way to live without damaging the environment, some of us just couldn’t see that far.

So, I turn off the news and go out to the traditional market to smell the fish, fresh vegetables, fresh herbs, and to listen to the crowds living for today . If happily ever after started with today, I should be able to grasp the joy on everyone’s face when they see the sun still rise this morning.

The best christmas gift ever was wrapped in a manger

2006-12-09T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am trying to call my parents but the connection is bad, which is usual because it's not the weekend, and somehow the cell phone could not reach the ten thousand miles distance. I was reading "Thenewevidencethatdemandsaverdict", a book by Josh McDowell that I owned but never had time to read. It will be my companion during the three days and two nights trip to Surabaya this week.

I am trying to call my parents to tell them "I thank you." Mom and dad used to be moslem although I doubt that they'd ever practiced it, but they were baptized after they got married. My mom is such a dreamer, she always has dreams about things, and before she married my dad, she had a dream of seeing my dad sitting in the living room of my grandmother's house with only the light of oil lantern that became stronger and stronger. They knew each other since my mom was little, my dad always had a crush on her, and finally got married when he was 32 years old and she was 22. Being raised as a christian where my parents essentially were also still "learning" about christianity was interesting in itself. I always love the sunday school activities, the competitions, the bible reading contest, the christmas parties where I got to perform in many things (from singing, dancing, music) as a hyperactive kid. I knew who Jesus was, but that's because my parents told me so. And because the bible told me so. And because that's how I was raised, to whom my mom taught me to pray to. I used to immitate her when I pray. In Javanese, we address Jesus as the "Gusti Pangeran ingkang wonten suwarga", it means "The Lord, the Prince who art in heaven". I always wondered why we or she called God as the Prince, as if God has a son, and Jesus was the Son of God, and would God had a son, and who was the Holy Spirit.

Not until when I was in high school, I started to learn and to question who Jesus is. I learned more from the books I read, not all of them written by christian scholars, but many other point of views that contradict the point of view that Jesus was just a mere human being but reject his claim as the Son of God.

I remember a friend of mine, a good friend of mine, who used to be a baptist and convert into moslem, asked me if I believe that Jesus was God and why I believe that He is God. I grew up around moslem and I know their biggest rejection is that Christianity worship "three God" (they don't believe the concept of Trinity) and God obviously doesn't have a Son; and God would not be a man or came down to earth to be a man, a poor man who had nothing. I started to sit down to answer her question because it's gonna be a long one! I believe Jesus is God because: The bible that has historical evidence of future propechies and past prophecies and was inspired by God, said so. The entire bible, a collection of writings from the Hebrew history that was written throughout history through prophets with thousands of years span and 40 writers who lived in a different time and place, was written to tell the story of Jesus. The love story of God to men and women whom He loved. The story of redemption that God had written since the beginning of time. The story about the coming Messiah who is the Son of God, fully man dan divine at the same time. And Jesus is the only person, who can fulfill the entire prophecies including all the details, from John the Baptist who prepared his coming, The virgin Mary, his birth, his life, his ministry, his suffering, his death, his ressurection, and our forgiveness. And Jesus said himself that He was God. And there were more than 500 early christians who saw Him after his ressurection, whom all died, to defend what they experienced, to witness that Jesus was the Son of God, who could loose everything with nothing to gain. And there were 12 disciples who followed Him and knew his teaching and his miracles.

And there's more to that. Throughout my life, I have been blessed by God. Small little things of answered and unanswered prayers strengthened my belief that Jesus is God. I searched for Him and now I found Him everywhere, even in the evidence of science that only conforming to me that God is love, and therefore "Jesus" makes sense. The bible even said to "Test Him" and asked us to "decide to yourself." He's not afraid because He knows the truth. His idea, his teaching of love, and about love, and what He did to love the whole world, is just so overwhelming to me. Everything He said was true and I believe that. I am in awe of Jesus. I am in awe of what He has done in my life. I am thankful that He has made himself known to us and that He loves us, all of us!

In chapter seven of the book. JoshMcDowell cited JamesKennedy and JerryNewcombe in their book WhatIfJesusHadNeverBeenBorn to show the highlights of Jesus' sole influence in human race: Hospitals which began in the Middle Ages; Universities that were started by christians; literacy and education of the masses; representative of government; separation of political powers; civil liberties; the abolition of slavery; modern science; the discovery of the new world; benevolence and charity; higher standard of justice; the elevation of the commonm man; the high regard for human life; the civilization of barbarian cultures; greater development or art and music; countless of changed lives; the eternal salvation of countless souls. When God, the YHWH, sent his Son, the world was never be the same.

CS Lewis said that there's no way to believe Jesus only as a "historical figure" or a "great teacher", because his life didn't resemble that. He was either God, a liar, or a lunatic. The more I am searching to find Him, the more I am in love with Jesus. Not in love - in love - but perhaps it is more like "in awe". With all the things I've seen and read and experience every day, I could only see his affirmation of who He is and who He is in my life.

Jesus fulfilled the prophecies of Isaiah, 700 years before him: For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6, KJV).

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoseever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. That is my friend, the best love story I've ever heard....

Thank you God, for the best christmas gift ever.

You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I promise you

2006-12-09T16:59:00.000-08:00

Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships, written by DanielGoleman, published by Bantam Books, 2006.

I started out to read the book out of curiosity after listening to a BBC interview of the Next , Next Generation series with young people (translated to 18-35 year old) from all over the world, asking them of what they want to be, what are their challenges in the future. They came from India, Africa, New York, London, and China. By the end of the interview, the common idea as the most important trait to survive is: the social skills, from communication, relating to people, working with others. These important skill is crucial despite of whatever skills they have to offer, because other skills and demands change as the wind does, along with the advance technology, the happenings (that includes natural, and political disasters).

I grabbed this book, read it, and was not able to put it down, as I was "mute" for two days, even when I was asleep, dreaming about reading this book. DanielGoleman is a brain scientist, a psycholog and doctor, a self described " the author who redefined what it means to be smart." He is smart. The simple language, although I have to grab my pen to write down new "brain related" vocabularies that I haven't heard before. As a scientist, he was able to translate the language to the common mind, and the result, I found that the book was not that I expected. It offers more.

Empathy was the most important trait we can have to be able to communicate with others. Empathy exist in a brain that is not self-observed, which he described to have several forms, one of them is narcicist. Empathy was developed throughout our growth, depending on how our parents raised us, and the amount of encouragements we received, the amount of dissapointments we received during our childhood. My heart sanked when I read this. So, what if some children grew up in the "wrong" environment without love and encouragement? But, I kept reading and found that this is not a "period" in our brain development. These are a "curable" stage, that could be found through a nurturing, understanding partner, or a teraphy. Of course, realizing the "problem" would be the first step.

Without empathy, it is impossible to be a positive impact in the society, a positive impact to those surrounds us. These includes our roles, at work as an employee, or as a boss, or as a co-worker. Empathy is also crucial in our ability to create bonding, in relationship, ability to develop mental stability such as controling our minds to accept and reject situations that would change our emotional stage, such as breaking up with lovers, and our ability to be happy.

Happiness, Mr Goleman said, was a result of a resilient stage of mind, that is constantly working toward a better state of mind. The period of "grieving" is important to return our minds to the state of happiness, realizing the fact, that sometimes things are not working as "planned", that people die, and they come and go in our lives.

The "social brain" itself doesn't exist in the particular part of the brain, but was developed throughout the brain through the connection along the nerves. Mirror nerve, was the brain ability to relate to others. When we kiss, or we're in the state of "madly, deeply in love", the brain developed a substance that is similar to those that made us addicted, metaphetamine (what a surprise), and when we kiss, there's a fireworks in our brain that was developed through the connection of the nerves alltogether, when a couple fight, the brain developed a stage that lower the immune system for a couple of hours.

His explaination doesn't stop in the connection of one person to the other, but he also mention the importance of connectedness in the society that could lower the crime rate! He mentioned the example of this fact in a neighborhood in Boston, where togetherness in the community, such as community gathering, lower crime rates.

A healthy mind (and hence, soul), is important to develop empathy. And the development of the "social brain" and the brain in overall, is not only depending on what we inherited from our parents, but also what we received, able to overcome throughout the years, until the brain reach its maturity, in our twenty somethings (more like twenty four or five).

I am glad Mr Goleman wrote this book. But again, if we think about it, there's no "new" things here. Two thousand years ago, a jewish carpenter mentioned the importance as "loving others" but he didn't only stop there..."as yourself" which, could be translated as "empathy". Once again, science, the human brilliant "discovery" of how the social brain work, is yet another explaination of Jesus' teaching.

Home

2006-12-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

The air sounds so foreign to me although I took my first breathe on this land. The land my current self could not stop to shake its head and ask, how come or why and what happened. The land where I would see everyone in my life who used to visit me on my dreams all these years. All those fights and laughter and tears.

Yet, I was too freak out to think of what they would think of me cause I am not what I was before. But when I saw their eyes, I found the same curiousity, and then I breath deeply and slowly.

Five years had changed me, and those five weeks could not replace all the excitement they would have if I were near. But I was near, as close as the telephone handle and emails and also snail mails. It was good to be with them, my family, but I didn't feel like I was at home.

A place where you were born is a place where you found who you are. And Rhineland is the place. Where there was a time I couldn't be more closer to You than any other time and place. Was I dreaming, or was I really go back home...

Rhineland 12406-437

A state of a recognition of soul of its counterpart to one another

2006-11-26T04:48:00.000-08:00

Three theories to forget the past and to find what so called true love (above is the definition of true love I found somewhere but forgot exactly where)..

Theory one.
And the theory said that the amount of time to forget someone you love but didn't love you back is, the amount of time you've known the person, times two. This is a false theory, I must say, that with the prove of how long I've known Jake, times two, would be only four months. Based on the theory, it's supposed to be over by now, which is the fourth month after we broke up. And the theory doesn't catch up at all, in fact, it worked in reverse, because I have been thinking about him for every second now. If I don't have to do everything else. Especially when I try to catch up the time I've spent to forget about him by ignoring so many other prospects, that, in the right mind, might turn to be the right one. Possibly. But the idea of having him beside me, watching him sleep, seeing his beautiful circle on the right eye, of course, along with his other qualities as a martyr, someone who cared so much about humanity, is incomparable.

Theory two,
which may be true but need more strategy to comprehend, was that to forget someone is by being vulnerable again and through your imperfect heart out there, with bigger risk of being ups..dropped, and fell apart again. This was proven to be true, since, I liked Jake, I seem to have to shut my door to the past, where J lived, where he has been living for the damned four years of my life. I've never thought I would fall for someone else after that reckless love story with K, except that the theory has a deeper impact of my new love was more vulnerable than mine, having a hard time to trust me when I said I am still friends with my exboyfriend. Just what was wrong with that? Friends are friends and there is nothing more than that.

This problem, appeared to be, assume-ably, something to be proven by throwing your double-broken-heart again, out there. Let it be smashed and thrown away.
Unless there is a miracle, there is no way that this continuously destructive pattern would eventually cycle back to restore the doubled, tripled, glued broken heart.
This is getting harder, to the fact that true love might not come to you to often. The fact where a state of a recognition of soul of its counterpart to one another is a rare occasion in one's life, if anything at all.

So the chance of living miserably with someone whose not your true love is bigger, nowadays, especially when it is ticked by the state of turning thirty and desperation at forty, very dangerous, indeed, because when turned thirty, our mind has grown in its full extend with our body is capable to digest the taste of life. It would be, assuming we would live for another 40 years, the condition is a miserable one.

Theory three,
Which would be the theory of surrendering, is to realize that our mere existence belongs to God, and does He knows what he's really doing?

For me, November 26, 2006. Names on this writing were changed.

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones

2006-11-24T17:01:00.000-08:00

By Stephen Baldwin with Mark Tabb, published by Warner Faith, September 2006.

I came across the book in the bookstore last two weeks. It has a half face picture of the Baldwin I hardly know (I see Alec more often) and the book tells me why he's not visible in Hollywood anymore. I can't recall any of his movies, but I remember him being the more calm Baldwin. Reading this book is like reading an ego-maniac person who became an ego-maniac person who surrender to God. He still who he is, but he lets God performed in his life. He does great things now, and everyone would know it's the work of God, the God who is in him, not Stephen Baldwin himself.

The book tells profoundly about his conversion, how God orchestrated his life to come to Him. It was all dawn on him when a brazilian maid started to bug his wife's ears, and Augusta, the maid, told her that she came because God told the entire congregation in her hometown in Brazil that
the Baldwin will become Christian and has their own ministry. His wife responded to the story and started to search God. And Kennya, his wife, started praying for Stephen to come to Christ, an hour a day, in a year. Prayer is the most powerful thing that said we believe in God who make the impossible into possible.

And then Stephen tells us his sins, what he has done, although he said there's not any major conversion, knock on the head experience as in Paul. But he continues to show us the "coincidence" of how he founded his ministry "Livin' It", a ministry to the skaters, self-described tough guys in the world (Geezz, okay, tough guys). But, he is fruitful. His ministry is growing, and with prayer, it continues to grow and touch people's life, especially his target, the self-described tough guys who surf, skate, and do all the "I have no fear" activities.

The book tells me three things: God works miraculously in people's life when they allow Him to; there's no such thing in our life is a coincidence; and prayer is the next thing to connect with God.

The rest of the story shows me that Stephen is a human being, with a lot of sin and still living in flesh, but he is continue to work on the character, how his relationship with his o, so powerful wife (whom I admire better than Stephen) is growing, and how he's living his life because he surrender to God.

One thing I want to pointed out and I want to mention is the fact that he's not in the traditional way of evangelising. He's not one of those people who live by the "rules" of what so called a "Christian" way of life. That you should not say this and that if you're Christian. I met someone who recently told me that a Christian can't say "crap" for example, which is for me, when I had a bad day, that's the thing I want to say. Crap! So what? I didn't say God's name in vain, which is my definition of cushing. That's just the example. I don't think Jesus said these rules when he was on earth, only us, the self-righteous Christians who condemn other people instead of loving them, which actually, the main thing Jesus had to say. I agree with Stephen with that. I agree that we have to be relevant without being drawn into the culture. It is risky, but we can do it, when we have God in us. When we limit ourselves, we limit our God. Stephen mentioned about Christian rap music, which would be perfect to talk to the inner city kids, as the examples I've seen in CityCure, an urban ministry in Cincinnati. Yeah for not listening to additional what so called "Christian rules", Stephen.

--The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars." —from On the Road, Jack Kerouac

Seek and you may find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.

2006-11-23T03:37:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading Franny and Zooey, a book written by JD Salinger and one of his masterpiece that tells the story of the children of the Glass family whom, when they were kids, performed in a show called "It's a Wise Child." I always love the language of JD Salinger and how he communicated so well through the direct conversationalist sentences. His words are meant to be read one by one, word by word, sentence by sentence.

This book has a heavier, philosophical content as in A Catcher in the Rye. It meant to treat our minds with thoughts that will give us back the freedom of making conclusion, asking questions, or even choosing what to do, in life. I said, that, in life.

Franny, the first book, tells us about Franny or Frances, the youngest and the youngest daughter of the glass family. She is twenty year old (in the fifties), just quit her major in theatre because she thinks that everything in the higher education is fake and everyone is starving to be someone. She's dating Lane, her boyfriend in one year. The story started with their lunch date in a restaurant prior to a football game where she visited Lane who went to a different school. The conversation at the table turned philosophical and ended with Franny fainted out in the restaurant manager's office, and when Lane left her, she started to chant the "Jesus Prayer".

The what so called the Jesus Prayer is a prayer she found in a book called "The Pilgrim's Way" (which I will check out later, too) that tells a story of a Russian peasant who tried to find the meaning of one verse in Tessalonian that tells the congregation to pray incessantly, without faint. This book and the sequel of the book "The Pilgrim Continues His Way" is the main source of why Franny fainted and later on got sick and unwilling to eat, in the Glass' family's house.

That later on lead us into the second story, Zooey.

Zooey, is the second youngest child, is a twenty-five year old actor who is still living in the house. Another philosopher in the house, Zooey was a tool for the author to tell us beautiful, amazing stories about religion, life, and what ever else might be in Salinger's mind. They older brother, Seymour, whom happened to be one of the main character that Salinger communicated through another novel, died ala Heindrich Von Kleist, committed suicide with his wife. His death has given enough pain in the family, since he was the most brilliant one. And Buddy, is their older brother who lives with full privacy in an apartment not nearly far from their house, without means of communication available, which always worries Bessie Glass, the mother in the house. These two characters influenced the development of both Franny and Zooey, who struggled with their own mind while growing up and trying to forgive the brother who left them egocentrically, and missing him terribly at the same time. The conversations between Zooey and his mother are rich, with the conversationalist style of Salinger, which led into the discussion that disturbed Zooey; Franny found the two books in Seymour's old room.

Zooey's way to talk to Franny about her depression in his own way, such as acting as if he was Buddy and called Franny, was brilliant. I don't know if Salinger had plots in his stories, but he has a way to spit all of his thoughts through these characters, the way he talked about religious figures, about Jesus, about Buddha, about life and what it's all about, was fascinating to me. The conclusion that both Zooey and Franny had, that brought Franny from hopelessness into Joy, was, that reason behind our every act is important. That, indeed human beings have their egos in the front list of those reasons that made us do what we do, but ego is part of us, and there's no way we could deny it. Unless. Unless, we're driven by the higher calling, the higher supremacy, who knew everything from the beginning to end, who had the answer that drives the Russian peasant to search for the meaning of "praying incessantly" and performed the Jesus Prayer until it came back to him as an answer. Which, would be, doing what we love for Jesus, which also mean, doing what we love unto others, who ever the others is. It is such a beautiful book, Franny reminded me of the importance of reasons, the importance of motivation, and what the best motivation is.

Seek and you may find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.

Don't have anything to be thankful for? Check your pulse

2006-11-20T15:37:00.000-08:00

Mushy, not very crunchy green beans was created through a trial and error process of combining what supposed to be a healthy dish. A dash of minched garlic and ginger will do the trick, with the help of miched walnut that will help to make it crunchy. Sort of.

My brother's timeless joke about a dish, was that, a tasty dish is not a tasty dish if it was made out of supposedly good ingredients. He never spent a second in the kitchen, so he never made any comments out of what came out of the space. The problem was, when I was living at home, I've never spent any time in the kicthen either (I left home when I was in high school). His joke was started when he noticed I helped my mother to cook when I went home in the weekends. After awhile my mom would gave me responsibility of to create a dish. I thought his joke was not fair at all, especially with vegetables, such as bamboo shoots? I mean, they're good for you, but to create a tasty dish out of it require more ingredients other than only spices. And papaya leaves? I love greens as much as a rabbit would, but I don't remember making a dish out of papaya leaves without adding other things in it. In Cincinnati, local/regionally produced vegetables such as green beans and kale created another challenge that reminds me of my brother's remark.

Last thanksgiving, green beans was what I made to bring to dinner with my friends. I've never was succesful with them, since I tried not to put any kind of meat in it. And that mushy green beans was what I brought, they had too much fun in the oven and when they were out, they're not crunchy anymore. Thank God I had friends who were so pleasantly polite, they said they liked my green beans, although I doubted it that it was true.

Thanksgiving is a precious moment to spend with family, in my case, this would be my friends and their family. But the idea of a national feast in the world that offers fast food, car food, and everything that marked "I am in a rush" food, sitting together to eat the same food (turkey, mostly) that came out of each kitchen, created with hand-down recipes represents hope that we can slow down and enjoy life. I am so used to celebrating Thanksgiving, I could not spend thanksgiving alone. But, some people might have to. Some might have to work to keep us safe. And I could see how that must be very hard for them.

One recipe to create a delicious Thanksgiving moment when we're alone, is just to add prayer with that. Happy Thanksgiving, America!

Jesus is right for whatever is wrong in your life

2006-11-14T23:21:00.000-08:00

Beside the opportunity to walk everywhere, living in downtown offered me so many opportunities to get in contact with people. Every kind of people you can think of. From "new" people who just moved in one of the rapid "inner-city comeback" along with condo developments which proved that Cincinnati is NOT shrinking. And "old" people, who have been living here, meaning having an actual own living space, or call the streets as home, one of those, whose, some people would avoid to be in contact with. I heard the CityGospelMission with their campaign of "help other people start with a meal" to prepare for Thanksgiving and the holidays on the radio all day long. People did respond, they wanted to help, and CityGospelMission helped them to make the best use of their resources to really shake people's hands, give people what they need, to start, with food.

But, seeing them everyday giving me another point of view. That there's something they need more than just food. Something in their eyes crying out behind the curtain of anger, or dissapointment, or bitterness. I always feel hesitant to even smile to them, which I had tried most of the time. But, when they didn't smile back, I just had to try once more when I see them again.

This evening I went to the library to pick up the books I had on reserve. I parked my car around my apartment and walked to the library. Blinking red light. A lady was walking with her hands in the pockets, empty eyes which seems to look forward to nothingness. No one, including me, could offer her a smile. She walked as slow as possible as if she didn't care of the cars that came towards her. As if she was just want life to end. She has nothing to loose.

Imagine you're a female. And homeless. You're vulnerable. Your chance of getting bitten up or exploited, insulted, or raped, is bigger than if you're not homeless, or if you're male. You still have to face the fact that not every soup kitchen ministry or service open everyday to provide you with a meal. Not every shelter is a "safe" shelter or even have enough bed for everybody. You probably couldn't get a job because you don't have any addresses, or telephone number where future employers could contact you, or if you had bad mistakes that took you to prison. Or even worse, if you have had any drug addictions. If I were her, I wonder how long I would fight back. I wonder how long I would try to get out until I stop trying. One unfortunate moment seem to lead to endless miseries. You know you have to keep moving but why bother? You have nothing to loose. No body you could turn to. No future that awaits you.
And you probably are still trying to make sense of your past, of what happened when you're younger, trying to "forgive" God who let all those things happened. And try to forgive yourself of what happened that lets you where you are.

It's easy for me to make up stories as the one I just did, but I don't know what that woman is facing. I don't know if she has given up.

On any given day, they said, there were 2,500 people live on the street in Greater Cincinnati. That scene was just one of the many that are not recorded in statistics. Or something that you could capture in the radio while you're trying to figure out how much money to give when they campaign heard. People are still people, no matter how much they are "hidden" behind the numbers. But people have their own reasons to be on the street. Sometimes they want to be on the street because that's the only life they knew. Some couldn't get out even if they want to. The reality behind the numbers, is that, each person has their own reason, and there's no way to generalize when thinking about what solution could help them.

Who would tell them that there is Jesus? Who would even start? I know the CityGospelMission has this kind of ministry, to start one on one relationship with people, but I wonder if they have enough resources to reach more people.

Unless you're flat on your back, you have to keep moving to float.

There's no plot. There's only adventure.

2006-11-14T03:39:00.000-08:00

On the Road, by Jack Kerouac, published by Viking Press, 1957.

I read On the Road again after I visited San Francisco and fell in love with City Lights Bookstore, which changed my point of view of the first experience in reading the book. The sense of freedom at loose, the sense of curiousity and spirituality in the book is very inspiring. Kerouac was one of my favorite writers, one of those who "knew the rules but freely breaking it" and created an entire world of journey with words.

Kerouac brought honest words, merely conversations as a narator and conversations with his world along the journey. There's no plot. There's only adventure.

God may break us in order to remake us

2006-11-13T20:39:00.000-08:00

Scar. No one was born with it. If anything like it, it would be called birthmark, and birthmark is far more "holy" than a scar. A birthmark is something that came with us when we were born, attached to who we are. The word scar sounds like something worth to hide, I wouldn't want anyone else to see. It represents a damage, a broken tisue, a failure.

The scarriest scar I had is still on the back of my palm right on the border of my fingers when my right hand tried to stop the velocity that hit my body from a scooter that was hit by a bycicle. The accident happened late at night about nine years ago when I tried to get some coffee (that event didn't stop me from drinking coffee). My hand was in a bandage ala a boxer for about a month, just in time when I had to go to a trip for a research project in Japan. Great. The wound was gone, but the scar are there, four of them, everytime I looked at it I remember how much I was blessed because nothing else in my body was hurt from that accident. Even my glasses were intact! It was a miracle, and I certainly greatful I only had the scar.

This August, life had scratched more scars than I'd ever had in my collected years. What else if it's not because of poison ivy. The three-leaves "plants" is harmful to our skin and body, even if it's been dead for three years. You couldn't see it when you had fun, throwing frisbee, eating pizza, watching the sunset, and listening to a live music.

There's a lesson to this, though. When scrambling through the woods, a pair of jeans might be a better choice.

Our body has an amazing system of protection. When attached by foreign agent, in this case poison ivy, the body had a strategy to fight back. Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin after destruction of some of the dermis. It is a result of the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Scar looks hideous, but it is a natural process of healing. Our scars shows that we, more and less, alive.

We saw the opportunity, took the chance, failed, broken hearted, scarred. If I didn't take the chance to scramble through the forest on that beautiful summer day, feeling pretty while wearing my pretty dress (stop laughing, please), I would not have the memory of a beautiful summer day spent with laughter and joy. I wouldn't know there was this hidden field of black-eyed-susan in the back pathway of Burnet Woods, more like a wild prairie field. I wouldn't know how to play frisbee!

It's life, and life has its scars.

The best things in life aren't things

2006-11-12T05:04:00.000-08:00

When Sunday comes, the weekend is over. The long awaited weekend was here, and it's gone. What could be better than spending the weekend as you please? There's no deadline, just things to do. I planned to spend this weekend "to get things done" but I am glad I spent some of it with my friends. I didn't know how I could get on otherwise; this is one of those time when I didn't even know I needed other people to cheer me up.

I thought of friends I have and what they have done in my life without they even knew it. Every single person I met and interacted with was one of the ways God communicated with me. Without they knew it, they brought me to the thoughts I need to think about, decisions I need to consider instead of jumping to conclusions. They made me think of how much God loves me when I thought of my love for them but then sometimes I was dissapointed in them too. They made me think of how much God must have loved me when I knew I could always forgive them and shed tears for them when I missed them. They made me feel blessed with the hugs and love. With the phone calls "to catch up". With the laughter and the jokes and the games.

They said friends multiply joy and divide sorrow. But I knew a friend when they don't judge. We agree to disagree. They tell me what they think but wouldn't tell me what I should do. They came when I cried for my own stubborn-ness, but knew that what I need was not another "I told you so".

One of the goals of my life is not to own things. Things nailed me down, it's a chain to my freedom. In one place and another, I found friends instead, even I don't have any control of how long they would stay in my life. Learning to let go is the hardest thing, but it's get easier with time and when new friends come along; that reminds me, with God, I could face anything.

Someone created us.

2006-11-12T03:41:00.000-08:00

The female brain, by LouannBrizendine, published by Morgan Road Books in 2006.

I've never known that in fact, female tears generated pain in male's mind since they have trouble in digesting emotion. That explained why: male always try to shut us up (with anything they can use) the moment we start crying. In my experienced they had used all kinds of things just to get us stop crying, from trying so hard not to "see" us, giving us tissues, a hug, a kiss, whatever, just to get us stop crying. The fact that male and female are two different creatures who live in two different body and brain systems that react and act in their own ways just made life simple. Phew.

Dr. LouannBrizendine explains the entire science on female brain and its interaction with male, its development stages and the chemical reactions in simple conversations helped me to think of myself in a different stage and to make sense of communications with others and with male. Why my relationship with my dad when I was little is important in my development as an adult female; how those touches and hugs and kisses were essentials. What really happened in my brain when I fell in love. What really happened in my brain and my body right now. The changes of our bodies. Why crying giving you a sense of power and made you feel stronger. Thinking about it all, generated a sense of awe, that such a complicated system of life could exist, with generality, but still with an amazing variety of individuality; made me sure, again and again, that Someone created us.

As a scientist as well as therapist, Dr Brizendine gives us real life examples from her patients, along with explanation of what chemical reactions happened in our brain. The female brain develops more dynamic than male brain (ha!) because it has different role and different stages as a female and a mother. Our hormones drives our lives, our emotions, and why we focus on one thing and not another.

With catching chapter titles, she differentiates female brain development in its varying stages. She also talks about sex, menopause, desire to achieve, what tick's us and how we could perform at our best!

A very good read for female to get to know our bodies and how to use its potentials. A good read for male who wants to understand us!

There are two things in Life that I've learned: There is a God, and I'm not him

2006-11-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

I hug trees. Not literally. Trees continues to fascinate me. A single tree, trees in the forest, trees in the park, naked trees in the winter, colorful trees in the fall, a tree-lined street, trees that give shades, trees that hold water, trees that bare fruits, trees that cools the air. There is no single tree on earth that has the same shape, even if they are the same kind.

I just came back from a botany class from the CivicGardenCenter, one of the community classes for those of us who are interested in community gardening. Science is not my favorite subject, as you might be able to tell, but if it's about trees, I would not give up to try. Of course I heard about this already when I was a eight-grader, but the non-expectation of what they call exams made me focus on what made sense instead of trying to memorize everything. What I thought would be a boring science class was an interesting discovery. God could not stop showing himself and his glorious mind and creation.

None of us who live in this moment could prove of how long the earth had exist (please don't try to convince me with the entire carbon testing method, and explaining this would need to be covered in a different post), but science could prove that the chronology of creation according to the bible was correct. Trees existed before other moving and breathing animals and us! They were the only one "thing" that could change the form of energy from light to chemical energy called sugar.

Science also proves that it will be impossible to imagine that a complex system as in a tree or even a leaf came from a big coincidence of nature. And the most fascinating thing to me is that there is no tree alike on earth. Well, we can tell that every tree will grow depending on its environment, soil, the amount of micronutrient, macronutrient, the amount of oxygen, water and air around it. But even each tree will produce seeds that each will produce a tree with a different characteristic than the other. And without human intervention, every orange tree will produce oranges that, if each were planted back, will produce a different result. Therefore anomali and adaptation happens. In my brain, I could not imagine that such a brilliant, complex, (and working!) system is a result of a coincidence. There was a brain of all of these.

All the chemical reactions, enzymes, the flow of food, water, air, and oxygen "dictated" the entire system what to behave next. Stomata on the leaf knows when to open and when to close depending on the activity of photosyntesis that happened in the leaf. They know when to "breathe", they know when respiration and digestion need to be done. Reproduction became a natural activity for trees; when they feel like their lives were "threatened" (for example when their roots were cut or if they "feel" there were competitions) they would try to produce flowers, which actually was an act to produce seeds, to prepare themselves to "die." Who in the world could create these natural brain? Certainly not one of us. We could find a way to reproduce trees through cutting, or graphing, or planting the meristems, but we cannot create a tree out of nothing. Only God can.

Back Side Redemption

2006-10-28T04:51:00.000-07:00

I missed the last show of "JesusCamp" at the Esquire. Whenever I passed by, I kept looking and planned to go, but I missed it. I have a mixed feeling about it. I think the best relationship with God is found after we saw the world and decided to choose Jesus anyway (we know He chose us first, of course). I grew up "christian" but my parents wouldn't know that I went along the way to turn around, come back to God and had a better relationship with Him. I thank my parents for all those colorful bible story books, sunday school activities, and all the prayers at the dinner table. But, that was just the beginning.

Growing up was an interesting journey in itself, let alone taking our minds deep down into the conversation from "who God is" into "where God is in your life". It's all came by questioning and searching. I was talking to a new friend about this last night, and it dawn on me that I don't want to change a thing even if I could. Because the experience to stray from God's way, to go around and make a u-turn was priceless although it was unintentional. When I had enough rain I could appreciate the sun shine..I knew how living without God was like, and I knew that all I need in my life is God. There was nothing wrong with being "good" all our lives, but the reality is, not everyone had that privilege. Some of us made mistakes, a lot, and God helped us to learn from them. We knew what the world offered, we questioned, and we chose God anyway.

Sunday school is fine. But JesusCamp kind of teaching? I don't agree with closing up our minds to the world, because, it seems that we limit God if we limit our world, as if God has a limit, as if letting His power goes only as far as our minds can go. God is God, and He would make the best of whatever is wrong with the world. God is God, and he will show us the way with his own way, sometimes it is through the mundane life story (your parents are Christian, and you affirmed your faith when you're an adult), or the unthinkable story (God spoke to my friend through AnnaKarenina after he refused to confirm his faith, it's the questioning that He put into our DNA that led him through that). I could find God in Superman, HarryPotter, U2, ColdPlay, Stesenko, falling leaves, the sky, a night club, American Beauty, Amelie, or Prison Break, the possibility is endless). I could find God in nature. I could find God when my friends dragged me into a busy low lighting club, where all I could do was drinking beer while praying to God that the place needs missionary the most. You could find God everywhere in the world, even in the minds of politicians, whom, I assume, care first and foremost about securing their seats.

And since I missed the JesusCamp movie, all I can say is just the interviews with producers and commentary. But, I saw the trailer, and the movie was quite "scarry" to me. Let kids be kids. Let them found God by freeing their minds into the world. Let them choose. And please, if Jesus were alive today, he would care less about who got elected in November than saving you and me.

Note: The church sign was found by a street photographer who was interested with the sign when he traveled to Maine. He, then, decided to come back and took a picture of this sign that he sold at a street art festival on Market Street in San Francisco. He said the sign so far was the second laugh-generating pictures he has (the first one was "Broken English, Spoken Perfectly").

Rain

2006-10-20T00:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write a language that could be as universal as can be.
Something
that every human being could understand.

To answer that deep,
longing desire to be fulfilled.
And to be loved.

I wish I could be a dash.
inside of the force that fulfill our dreams
a drop of water

The answer
of what is true.
And what is not.

I wish I could be my brain's own hand.
That will scratch the words
flowing in my mind
through the thoughts
and hold it
right at that second
and hold it
before it moves on.

I wish I could be the eys of my mind and my heart
that would send the mesage of love to others
to let them know that they are loved.

I want to be the rain that falls down on your world and ease your pain.
The rain that will wash off your sorrow, give your trees more water to grow it leaves, its fruit, and strengthen its roots. The rain that will follow your rotation everywhere you go. Not tho hard that it will destroy it.

Note: Instead of a quote, all the poems will have its own title.

Man's way leads to a hopeless end! God's way leads to an endless hope

2006-10-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

"My friend Andrew the Protester believes things. Andrew goes to protests where he gets pepper-sprayed, and he does it because he believes in being a voice of change. My Republican friends get frustated when I paint Andrew as a hero, but I like Andrew because he actually believes things that cost him something. ..What I believe is not what I say I believe, what I believe is what I do." BlueLikeJazz, pg.110.

I have a story while working with people in my neighborhood. Part of my job is talking with them about their concerns and motivate them to be neighborhood leaders, by working together with other residents to solve problems or to achieve goals to create a better neighborhood. My neighborhood consists of hard-working families who has been living in the area for more than 40 years. Most of the older generations I've talked with, surprisingly, worship God.

When it comes of solving real problems, what do we do as followers of Jesus? I think it would be so naive to just pray without doing anything, or pray that our government will always do the right thing.

The answers that I sometimes heard were: that God will solve every problem, and we just have to pray about it; that we don't have to do anything other than praying. I can't argue that hold the authority to make things happen, but I also believe that someone need to do the work; that God makes thing happen by using living creatures like us.

God helps people who help themselves, right? Sometimes, the city forgot to patch back a pot-hole because there are so many holes to fill they only have so many workers. Sometimes, residents need to be persistent to remind people who hold authorities that, "hello, yes, our neighborhood exists and we pay our taxes too. Please fix this and remove that." Or sometimes, we need to let the congress know that our children have loss so many jobs in the summer and they need somewhere else to work or else they will end up finding other things to do on the streets.

My motivation to do what I do is almost the same as Andrew the Protester in BlueLikeJazz. One time, in our national coalition, we asked for a meeting with the BusinessRoundTable in Washington DC to talk with us about the new NoChildLeftBehind initiative that we thought would reduce a big portion of funding for our children in their school. Communication is very important, and a meeting is a way to talk to view our concern otherwise they would never know what we, the people, know and hear. We didn't do anything violence, we sang a song about love, and all we want is a meeting. Our coalition has been doing this for more than 34 years, annually, and, prior to the protest, we prayed (this is one thing that I was surprised with but I am glad. I felt the present of God in the room, it was very emotional, and it changed my point of view of the entire conference).

If God was there, there's nothing I doubt about it. God help people who help themselves.

Courage is not absence of fear, but mastery over it

2006-10-07T16:10:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of months, I've been thinking about what it's like about turning thirty; may be because many friends have celebrated their birthdays, or because I've been too coward to accept the fact that I will turn thirty in the count of months. And the thoughts kept coming when days gone by so fast, I couldn't even keep up with what I used to call "slow time". I feel that even if I had slow-time, it seems to be going away faster.

Why thirty was a big deal, I don't know. But deep down I could feel that too. Soon I will not be able to call myself a member of twentysomethings who are foolish enough to think that we can change the world. There is no excuse of not being a grown-up, since the world seems to think that way for some unknown reasons. Another loss is the down-grade of my art-community memberships that offers more discounts to people under thirty, another proven expectation of the society, as if when you're thirty, you're supposed to be completely independent and able to afford those artsy-fartsy activities with less discounts.

Those outward "expectations" had haunted me, in addition to my own expectations of myself; remembering when I was 26, I expected to be able to be an author by the age of thirty. This is not happening either. Not even close, since my "to-do-list" is only getting longer and longer each day, with a little scratching or deleting, just to meet the most "urgent" things to keep up with life.

And I guess being thirty, or being a grown-up, or being able to be independent while still can afford to have what I called a life, or to achieve what I wanted to achieve, is still an unknown territory. When counting what I have accomplished in life seems unthinkable (since I cannot think of any).

The fear is growing when I know I am not ready to give up my delaying-to-do-things habit (talking about the queen of procastinating), that somehow I should be able to master it, or to deal with it, way before I really turn thirty.

Also the whole commitment thing, that got me into thinking that somehow, I am not capable of holding myself accountable for any long term commitments. I am not talking about relationships (well, that, may be one of them), but only to be able to complete a project that I have started but never seem to have a final result. If I scramble through my apartment I would find uncomplete projects of things, two sewing projects, about five paintings, two crochet projects, and countless articles I "planned" to write. This is not good at all, and I am getting more scared. I am serious. This. is. not. good. at all.

About three weeks ago, I finished a small group discussions talking about what is MY PASSION. There were four of us came from different backgrounds, going through a session to find out what our passion were. The study was a result of a research that was meticulously done through millions of data of every individual that will note every person's individuality. We answered questions about what we thought to be our "passions", took a test, and the result of the study will only affirm what we have stated, but in a more precise language that blew my mind because the characters described seems to exist only in the "goals" side of the table. This exercise also got me into thinking of my turning-thirty thoughts.

I felt like a person with attention-deficit-disorder who unable to focus. I know what my focus in life is: to glorify God with talents that God gace me. I "sort-of" knew what my passion was, but the discussion affirmed that. I went out thinking that I am already focus on my passion, but I have been doing a variety of things that given me more opportunities to grow and, well, just to enjoy what I enjoy doing without limiting my world.

Coming back to those thoughts, may be turning thirty is not about loosing a silly thought that a "thirtysomething" could change the world, because I do think I can change the world (still, being silly).Being a thirtysomething is being able to let go of our "overachiever" self, to budget our time without unrealistically committing to activities I wouldn't have time with, setting a more focus life while managing my "slow-time" in the budget. That in turn, will give me more time to give myself a reward in every accomplished task.

May be, there's nothing to be afraid of by being thirty, the more mysterious being thirty, the better it is for the journey.

God sends away empty those full of themselves

2006-10-06T03:14:00.000-07:00

I am not opposed of abundance, thinking that richness is God's blessing. No, really. Materials we have is God's blessings. But, reading the Time Magazine article about the "evangelical" movement who promote searching, digging one's own abundance really gets my attention. Motivation is very important for people to go to church and to commune. When finding wealth on earth is our motivation, we should ask ourselves whom we worship at the first place.

Okay, I might be unequally treating people based on what their wealth, while God would seen them equal, Jesus died for rich people too, as much as He did for me. I don't consider myself rich, when talking about wealth, what we have, how much money we have, but I consider myself rich in convidence that God will provide, and what He gave me is (and will be) enough for me. And I have seen how world's kind of wealth had sometimes blindfolded our hearts towards other people, or whatever else going on in the world, although, it could be a blessing for other people (through philanthrophy or charity). But when it comes to finding money and being consumed to the goods of the good old world for our own benefit, when wealth become our first nature that replaces desire to glorify God, I would say that covers the dirty word greed.

Beside, what does it mean for us to own things more than we need when we know that the world is full of people who even struggle to live, and still, thinking about ourselves. Our world has been build on the act of consuming. That's all we do, consuming and consuming. More room in the house, more cars, more couches, more garages, more clothes, one TV for every room, more, more, more. Instead of seeing the earth as resources worth protecting, we have been consuming it as if we have more than what we have. How could one species on earth misinterpreted the word of God so bad that we missed the word "stewardship" and letting ourselves drawn in the action of consuming and consuming that creates a great deal of imbalance, not just in nature, but also in other people's lives, that we may not see from the horison, but does exist, where people do not even have one piece of cloth to cover them, or think that they were lucky to eat a bowl of corn. Meanwhile, we're so eager to ask God for more and more wealth to come to us. That. gets. me.

It's true that God will bless us more (and He also asked us to "test" him on thithing, that we will receive more than we need), but we need more than just money, or materials, or things; there's more joy to give than to receive. May be it's time to ask "What would Jesus do?" in time when inequality, imbalance, social injustice, are living prosperously in the world that is getting overcrowded?

To me, Jesus was the most radical person in his time, who opposed to be "religious" and to follow the "rules" just because it was a tradition. He was the one who stood up for the poor, helped the helpless, challenged authority because he knew what was right. He sets up a new rule: love, love, and only love. Where is love when we are searching for things for our own benefit, first and foremost?

You may need to lose everything to find that God is all you need

2006-10-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

I was taking my bike outside when Lisa approached me. I wonder if she noticed me, but I noticed her. A thin, pale woman in her thirties and a bandana on her head. She always carries a badge that she holds when she approaches people. She offered the street magazine published to help the homeless. I didn't have any cash with me, since i wouldn't need anything while biking.

I told her that I live here and asked where she lives (you never assumed that someone is homeless). She said that she lives in two places, one in Over-the-Rhine, the other one is in Northside, which explain why I see her in that neighborhood. First she said that she needed money for the rent, since she has a little boy, a two year old, and she is currently in disability, because her lawyer told her to, and she had a fellony one time, but it wasn't anything major and she did her time, which is fine with me.

When I asked where her son is, she said he was with her dad in mt. Healthy. And when I asked, if she didn't mind, how much the rent is, she said she didn't really need to pay because she lives in people's couches. Which was a different explaination than the one she told me.

Lisa is one of the many people who hangs around my neighborhood. Her story is different than the other people, who have their own circumstances and other problems that got them on the street at the first place. It can happen to anybody in any given day. But looking at the numbers of homeless people in Cincinnati alone, is discouraging. 2,500 people in a given night is a scary number for a city that is inhabited by 300,000 people.

The solution sounds easy, but it's hard to implement, especially with so many different interest and needs. My neighborhood is overwhelmed with social services. I don't want to point fingers, but sometimes I question if they would provide the roots of the problem at the first place. Most of homeless people work, they just can't afford to have an apartment, or they can't because they didn't have a place to start at the first place. How sad is that? Rent in downtown Cincinnati is not as high as in LA, for example, but yet, they can't afford it because of other things.

But when enough is enough? Shelter and social services might answer the immediate problem that will avoid people to spend the night on the street, but looking at the definition of "HOMELESS", we should realize that a home is what they need, not shelters. Even in one of the most successful cities that did they right thing for their homeless, Philadelphia, providing enough shelters is not enough. After the release of the book "UndertheOverpass" by MikeYakonski, many do-gooders and college kids live on the street to find the experience, which created more problems instead of reducing it. Jesus asked us to have emphaty, and it doesn't mean we have to create more problems for people whom we thought we touched.

Lisa and other people need an access to housing, but they can't do it alone, they need a support to help them to go back in the society. In her case, her record might prevent her from finding a job, then why not assist her to access jobs that will not discriminate someone with a crime record (they did their time, give them a chance!). She might have addiction problem, why not help her to recover or rejoin her father in the suburb.

The irony is that there are more than 500 vacant residential buildings in Over-the-Rhine, which made it more absurd because renovating one building is seems like pulling teeth when dealing with regulations over regulations that didn't even address the root problems. I am talking about the ridiculous lead regulation. Yes, lead is dangerous, but who in their right mind would let someone to live in a house full of poison for their children? I know I won't. And sometimes the rules were so strict, it leaves the main purpose of removing the lead and create a healthy home and deal with the checklist of regulation.

But deeper than just housing, these people need God's boost in their minds. Not just them, but all of us. We need God that will help us to endure anything. God that will connect them to their innerselves, that will help them to go on with life with joy.

If you wanna kiss the sky, you'd better learn how to kneel*

2006-09-28T02:09:00.000-07:00

Where did music come from? If it's has been in existence since human being existed in the universe, then probably it was programmed in our DNA and each society then developed their own kind of music. It depends on how music influenced us, I can't emphasize enough that music has drawn my thoughts to God.

It doesn't matter on what kind of music I listen to, I am sure that music exist for our enjoyment and for God's. It is something that cannot be separated from the action of worship in the ancient days. It was what God required to have as the "burnt" offering in the old testament. It was what the entire Psalm was composed of. It was what God used to celebrate the birth of Christ.

Last Saturday, when I was replicating Singer Sargent's painting in Ludlow Garage with my team, I heard this shouting, calming music, came from an instrument called Harped Dulcimer. Although my understanding of music is limited to chords and octave, and my voice could only be heard when the shower is running, my ears know what good music is: it will tell you stories with no words required. And this was how the Harped Dulcimer sounds like. It was as clear as harp, but has the dynamic of guitar, and tune as deep as piano. Dulcimer was rooted from the Irish who came to this country and created their own instrument, and had been enjoyed more in the Appalachian region. The harped is more complicated than the thin, three string dulcimer. I can't remember how many strings it has, but it was just seems more difficult to play.

I really didn't care about what the song was about, and I almost glad there was no words, because then we have the freedom to where we want the music to take us. Music without words gave suggestions, but as the harped dulcimer was playing, my mind was traveling to the mountains where tall trees, shades, smells of eucalyptus, and wet soil mixed with falling leaves. Music is a great tool to meditate, but I thought there should be more than that.

Thoreau introduced the importance of music making, where he suggested to listen to the music making process instead of just "music". Sure there was not any CDs or recording when he was alive, but he had the point. May be music was meant to be experienced both ways, where the maker and the listener could interact just like I was interacting with the harp dulcimer player, as if we understand its language without talking about it, or even compromised on what the music meant to us.

What I was trying to say was, that God created music so that we can have a complete "cross". The horisontal interaction with others and vertical interaction with Him. It is there to remind us that we're not alone, but together in the world.

Another point, that came from U2 (I've been coming back to listening to U2 night and day again!), is that, it can be used to worship without being too "intimidating" or "too evangelical". If I heard words of God in most of U2s music line, other people might too. "If you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel??" was obvious, isn't it? Prayer is an absolute instrument in our lives. And there is not only U2 that has been worshiping God through "secular music": switchfoot is another group I notice and I listen to. They're like Donald Miller in the music business. My Boss is so brilliant, using all that He created for us so that we can love Him back, my little brain could not even grasp His true genius mind!!

*The line is taken from U2's MysteriousWays.

Happiness is an inside job

2006-09-25T05:26:00.000-07:00

My defends on "spending time alone"..in progress.

Is spending your time alone selfish? Why is that such an important question? I was going through a passion affirmation class at church, a gathering that was started from the business world to understand individuals so that, as assets to the company, they will be able to channel their passion in their work, and how to see them as a person instead of a someone to finish such and such project. (Hmm..I wonder if they stole the individuality concept from my Boss...)

While discussing about what I love to "do" and listening to what other members in the group love to "do", I heard myself saying that I love to spend some of my time alone. Everyone has their owns share of wanting to be alone, and I know when it's imbalance with their social time, it became unhealthy. I saw the tendencies from things that I love to do: write, read, yoga, working with plants, all of those were alone time. I saw these things as counterbalance of what I do in daily basis. I work with people and I interact with people more than one third of my days, so may be I do need my alone time.

What would my Boss do? He had his alone time, most of the time, to pray, to meditate, to fast. He even spent 40 days in the wilderness, alone, except that satan could not leave him alone.

Jack Kerouac, one of my favorite writers, also said that being in solitude (being alone is completely different than being lonely) could cultivate our kindness, endurance, utterly loving all life, and to be sincere with everyone, in our madness modern world. He concluded his writings and his "movement" with the beatitude teaching from my Boss, that later on, was followed as the "beat" generation, which most of the time was misinterpreted.

Be alone, sometimes, just remember that someone won't let you to be completely alone (as what my Boss experienced), so, beware. And keeping the balance of alone time and time spent with others is the key. Nothing out of proportion is good for the soul.

Morality, like art, consists in drawing a line somewhere

2006-09-21T03:57:00.000-07:00

I am in the midst of reading "ConversationswithBono...", a book written by his pal, Michka Assaya. I have to stop reading once in awhile because the conversation was heavier than I thought; feelings travel farther than thoughts. Many things that Bono was talking about made sense.

I like Bono not only because of his music, but because he's "too politically correct" and he's a Jesus freak. The man reads the bible, practise it, and continue discovering what's left to discover.

The last page I read was an insider story of a "terrorist", a girl Zamura, whose life was tragic: started in not a very good life, lost her parents, lived with her grandmother, forced to marry with a stranger just because of the old fashion tradition, only to know that her husband was shot dead while she was pregnant, deliver the baby only to know that she was taken away from her, until she was sent back to her grandmother's house far away in the corner of the country. Geezz.

She was haunted by guilt and grief. She was then decided to join the suicide bomber, which made her able to pay for her debt, got some money, and off to the plane to abduct her daughter. She got caught by her aunt, but then she got away with her plans and join the rest of the terrorist. For her, to die for "God" is a way to get out of the suffering.

She then escaped from the plan because she found the tragic life of the 14-year-old girl that was with her, blowed herself up in a concert and died with 14 other people. This was a miracle where Zamura realized about how horrible the plan was, and that GOD doesn't want revenges.

Love and mercy do work in the world.

I was in the plane last week from the west coast and was reminded once again of 9-11. Which was tragic, but according to Bono was not as tragic as the current killing of African because of AIDS, or the current Darfur fights between ethnicities. Horrible.

But it was midnight, I had no dinner, had only a couple of cups of coffee, and thus I was grumpy. I had to go through the security twice because I forgot to move my "liquid" things to the luggage.I've gone through many baggage check, to and from other countries, but gladly understand it needs to be done for security. This time was not that terrible, but the feeling was terrible, that made me think more about 9-11 (which triggered the entire security madness), how relevant the Jesus-morality was. The more I think about it, the more it made sense of EVERYTHING that Jesus preached. To love our neighbors, not just those who live around us, but those who live across the globe, and those who do not agree with us in so many things in life, those who might hate us because what we believe. Love and mercy do make sense.

The two were holding hands

2006-09-16T10:46:00.000-07:00

The two were holding hands, walking in front of me.
Market Street between Third and Montgomery.
mother in a pair of jeans, a sweater as bright as the sun.
daughter with her long pink shocks, a pair of ballet flats

The two were holding hands, walking in front of me.
Halloween costume caught their eyes.
Look, mother, they're scary enough for the front porch.
she said we can look around more.

Mother and daughter holding hands in front of me.
as if they were in peace, i wonder if they ever in quarrel?

The two were holding hands. As if the world meant to be seen together.

What we sow in time, we recap in eternity

2006-09-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

It's feels like a rat race. One part of the day I am working to help rehab abandon houses in a frame of neighborhood revitalization. The long process includes observation of detail, requires preserverance and where one reaction to a problem could influence the entire process. Another part of the day I punch digit, calculating numbers, analyzing effect of how many house will be foreclosed this week.

This one long process of revitalization, could be annulled by a wreckless rollercoaster action of irresponsible action of poorly regulated mortgage lending practice.

As an effective non-profit organization, we have been capable of turning around more than 30 houses in a year. This was in effect when everything was in place, that includes funding, acquisition, neighborhood organizing, housing counseling, and recruitment of highly qualified contractors who cares about energy efficiency, environmentally friendly houses. When one component messed up, the other will follow.

Meanwhile, we're racing with more abandoned houses, more crime that take place in the abandoned houses, more people leave the neighborhood because of the crime, and more people became homeless or partially homeless.

When I thought about this at work, my mind went back when I was in fifth grade, sitting in "Bahasa Indonesia" (language) class, reading a text book that cited verse from Romans 5:1-5 about preserverance. Even in Indonesian, the every word sang to me like no other. It reminded me that everything I am going through is a process of character building. I hope I'll survive this rat race.

Will the road you're on get you to my place? -- God

2006-08-30T05:39:00.000-07:00

Last week, I went to a writing class sample that promote many writing classes in the organization. The topic offered was creative writing, which was different from what I am interested in, but close enough to jump start my brain, or even to exercise. I had no expectation other than may be listening to what other people have to say and may be, I could pick up some inspiration along the way.

I had an idea what this organization is all about, but I was always curious of what they are really like. We were sitting down in a circle in a dimme lighting in a large room with low ceiling (it was located in one of the newer houses in the suburb..). There were about thirteen of us, all women! No one said a word; I was wondering if they had the same thoughts as I was. That. this. already. feel. like. an. occult.

The leader than came and sit down in the center. She light up a big red candle in a big mug. She said, the "tradition" they have before starting a class is to light a candle and hand the candle to each person. The purpose is to focus and as a symbolic action that we're leaving every thought in the world and leave all the thoughts in the room. To concentrate, may be what she meant. She held the candle longer than all of us. I didn't know what she was doing actually. So, I did what other people did, but with a prayer, to say that "God, this is sound like an occult."

And then she rang a chime. Once. And she hold a stone. Again, the tradition has been, that everyone who speaks need to hold the stone. She said many women had held the stone, and it has been "empowering" to all of them. Whatever, I think. This reminds me alot of the original hippy tradition, where people hold a feather when they speak, wait for a turn. The one thing I don't agree with religion, is the ritual, the made-it-necessary-by-human-rule actions, where you should do this and you should do that, otherwise...and yes, "God, this is sound like an occult..."

If the sole purpose of this exercise was to write and to share our writings with others, then why do we have to deal with the candles. And meditate, sort of. ALthough the exercise was good, consist of two sessions: fast write and saying things. Fast write is creating the first draft of our writings, and then the next one is reflecting from the poem they chose for the day.

Ayn Rand once said about hippies: exhibitionist who don't have anything to exhibit. But, this is the last thing I would like myself to think about from the experience. I do feel good after reading my own writing to other women. But, I am sure, it would be better when we start everything in prayer, to Jesus, because if we need to center our world, it should be to Him, our creator, the reason why we exist, and the sole purpose of what we have in life. And if writing is a gift, a talent from Him, then we should give it back to Him. Not to the chime. Not to the candle. Not to self.

Worry Ends When Faith Begins

2006-08-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

Shoes should serve the feet. They are made to help us protect our feet, and to help them function better. Last week I bought two pairs of vintage shoes. These are shoes worn in the old days, perhaps in the sixties, where women's feet were smaller (I guess), so that the vintage stores are my favorite destination. One is small with a little heels that would only rise me about an inch, they are light brown with a dash of orange, with tiny ties around the the ankle. Far from mundane. I've worned them twice, and I almost fell over more then ten times, on silky floor. I was lucky to have someone hold my hand all the time. We cancelled the walk because of the shoes, and we have to drive because of the shoes. I don't know about the pretty shoes, but I am not gonna wear them if it would eventually cost me my back.

The other pair were red. My other favorite color. They are not mundane red, but promaganate red, with a little worn out color on it. I've worn them once, to work, along with outfit at the same tone. By the end of the day, after all those walking around the properties, running around upstairs and downstairs for printer, going to meetings, I felt like I need not just one, but four bandages for my shoes. Never mind all the comments on how cute they were, I am not wearing shoes that would eventually ripp the skin off my feet.

So, I came back to these pair of three dollar shoes I got from one of the goodwill store. I was lucky because they are so comfortable, hold my feet well, and when I was walking, I felt like I could feel the ground. I've been running around with it, when I don't feel like wearing gym shoes when I wore dresses or skirts, these shoes served my feet well.

I felt it right after I changed my shoes. I could feel it right away that my mood changes just because of the shoes. They were so comfortable, I forgot that I could not run before. Driving home from work, I could not stop thinking about worry and faith. Worry is like a pair of shoes that don't serve the feet. The more you think about it, the more it will feel hurt. The more the feet will hurt, the slower you walk. The slower you walk, the less you'd be able to function (for me, anyway, cause my job constitutes of, almost, walking and walking all day.) Faith, is like a pair of shoes that serve you. It cost you nothing, just trust to God, the kind of trust you have when a pair of good shoes serve your feet, knowing that the feet will not hurt, knowing that the feet will be able to take you places, and the feet will stay intact by the end of the day.

Shelved the worry that hurt your soul. Wear the faith instead, today.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know what holds the future

2006-08-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

Reading "This I believe" section from the NPR this week about a once autistic adults who understand life in a different perspective who hold a career as a scientist who work to create music that calms animals in slaughterhouses prior to the "execution" could be very depressing. The only sentence I could remember from the whole story was: that, "Yes, human being or animal, we will eventually die."

So, then, what is life for? For nothing? Just to try to use our "great potentials" as human beings just so that we know that we're always fail? Because we are. And we will be. It's human nature that we will make mistake and countless mistakes we have done. It's the earth's nature that there will be a disaster somewhere, sometimes because the way this earth works. And because of that, there will be people die somewhere.

And it gets pretty depressing to know that we will eventually die. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

Could science prove the nature of dying? Why we have to die? Why couldn't we live forever so that there is no one suffering? What are we become when we die? Do we just vanish from the world and our soul just vanish like that? Just like animals in the slaughterhouses?

Our body is biodegradable. But what about our souls? Our feelings? What would happen to them?

I know someone who could answer that who had died before. Whose been there, done that. One time, my moslem friend asked me if Jesus was God. And why do I believe that? That Jesus was God? I told her all about What Jesus said about himself in the bible. I told her about all the facts, prophecies about Jesus from the beginning of the bible to the end; that Jesus' life had fullfilled ALL the prophecies, not one missed. About the falidity of the bible that consist of writings of people inspired by God. About the lives Jesus had transformed. About the hundreds of people who knew his miracleous works, who testified for him by sacrificing their lifes for the truth they knew. About the millions life He transformed throughout the ages. About the relationship he has with me. About the many miracles I believed came from Him. God himself, came to the earth and saved me and my future. So that when I die, I won't go astray, but my soul will united with its creator, forever.

Yes, dying could be depressing when you have nowhere to go or worst, you don't know where to go. But dying could be a happy transformation, from living in a fallen world and witnessing all its suffering, to reunite with our creator, our Dad in heaven, our best friend, and our true love.

Grace is everything --for nothing-- to those who don't deserve anything

2006-08-09T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's way passed Wednesday morning at 400am. And here I am still overwhelmed by the way God loves me. I remember the phrase saying "Jesus loves you, everyone else think you're a jerk." Jesus loves me the way I am including my addiction to coffee, the way I am out of shaped and unregularly exercising my muscles, the way I failed again and again to be discipline in writing, many times I made mistake on what I should've and should've not done. He just loves me the way I am. He doesn't judge me for being different. He doesn't judge me for having opinion on the way things got done in the world. He doesn't judge me for being sad of what's going on in the world. He doesn't even judge me for my perspective towards getting old, and the way I see life as only sixty years old or only when you can be independent. It's all who I am and he takes me as is.

He redeemed my soul from my sin and all of the above. There's no better way to describe love other than that. There's no love greater than his. Halleluya that He moved my heart to realize this.

If God had a wallet, your picture would be in it

2006-07-26T04:43:00.000-07:00

After spending my two good young years at the UC School of Planning, here I am landing on a grass-root community organizing organization. I would say that other than the books I read, none of the skills I've learned from the Planning School is applied here at work. Unless, if I have to count the restless hours of working and reading books and writing papers and getting things done under pressure and chasing down professors to meet with us. I would say that I learn more outside the classroom as if bending an iron: persevere and being persistence.

I have done large scale planning with a county level government and that did not satisfy my soul. I crave for a more personal relationship with people that will allow me to get to know them personally.

I've learned that from Jerry McGuire. A movie where Tom Cruise was a athlete manager who realized that focusing on money instead of clients was wrong. He stood for what he believed, wrote a resolution only to be rejected and laughed at, left and got his own client to succeed. The smile of Cuba Gooding Jr in the field when he hit home run, Jerry's understanding of his family's needs, and what's important for his client, was his priority. Their relationship grew from more than a client and a manager, but they became friends.

What I didn't realize was that it was what Jesus was teaching all along. Jesus is always personal. Remember the Samarian woman on the well, or the thief beside him on the cross, or zakeous, every one of them was about SOMEONE. A person. A soul. A heart. He is also a leader who serve, washed the feet of his disciples, one by one. One-by-one also, preparing every character, honoring them to help them to be ready when the time comes for them to build his kingdom. The truth is Jerry McGuire must learned it from Jesus.

It is also one of the key why Jesus transformed countless lives. Because he touches us personally. That, I think, is what He wants from us, for us to know who we are, what our purpose is in life, is to know Him personally, as a creator, a savior, and a guidance-giver. He does not want us to trap ourselves under what we called religion, or denomination more than just the way we worship and build community. And above all, he wants us to love one another, regardless our level of understanding of salvation.

Learning as a community organizer, I work one on one with people to take active participation in their community. The community I work with is a low-income, African American community that is isolated among major interstate exits. They have been fighting to retain their neighborhood from being erased by the City who wanted to expand the industrial area. They have also worked together to reject the plan to erase some part of the neighborhood to build more highway exit. As time goes on, the community has evolved and the new residents sometimes are unaware with these history. To get them involved in the neighborhood activities that sometimes requires more than just time for their family is not easy. I always get into the idea of attracting their own interest. "What's in it for me," "Yes In My Back Yard (instead of Not In My Backyard)" are two keys to get people involved to improve the quality of life.

GODISNOWHERE (now read it again)

2006-07-19T04:23:00.000-07:00

Somehow God has managed to put thoughts by thoughts in my mind about Cincinnati, the inner-city, hopelessness, and everything else that follows.

As I walk on the street passing homeless people asking for help, as I sit on the bus watching everyday's life of baby-mama, as I sit in the meeting listening to faithful prayers of ordinary people who trust God completely even to lead the meeting, as I clean the litter on the sidewalk that was left by God knows who, as I listen to the shouts on the street at midnight that woke me up, as I hear the gun fire right across the street, I kept asking God of what he wants me to do.

I know there is only one answer to a revival. It has to start in each individual heart. It has to start with God knocking on the door and rescue them for the things that they might not even realized were ruining their life, taking away their joy, and robbing the precious time they received from God.

I know this thoughts probably is one of the common phenomenon of "twenty-something" person in my stage of life where I began to ask -what can I do to make a difference-, but I know more that this is part of my calling to glorify God through whatever talents that I have. A new friend I met earlier this week reminded me about what encouraged her to start a new ministry in downtown Cincinnati. She mentioned Matthew 25, the parable of the talent. I don't want to be the servant who burried the talent because he was afraid of using the talent. Fear is another type of prison. I am sure God can use my life now and today and where I am.

I was one of the examples of the hopelessness, too. I was hopeless that something can change. I was hopeless that every single little things that we do will not change the situation. I was hopeless that the authorities won't ever _EVER_ get it right. I was hopeless that some people still refused to talk to each other (like an adult). I was hopeless that the long-timers will still view new people as threats, gentrifiers, while the rest would not get along.

But it all started with God. And he is God. Nothing is impossible for him. Then I started to see the lights: everywhere around me is each person working for God. I can mention a few among many: the City Cure and their ministries who belief in relationships with each individuals, to touch them by heart and help each person to find God in their life; or the Vineyard who follows Mother Theresa who believes that "simple things done with great love can change the world", what a faith! Then I found the Sisters of Charity, who probably approach God in a different way but has done major impacts in real people in real life with real problems.

Individual artists working to open their own galleries, independent architects help locals to renovate their new condos or houses around, community organizations working to employs locals to rehab their houses, writers write, bakeries open, stores stay, university lend their helping hands to the people who otherwise don't have access to design assistance, local centers open their classes for free, libraries with their continued effort to educate, I can't mention everything.

I began to see that revival is not impossible at all.

But sometimes, churches lost their most important task to reach out. Once, a neighbor of mine told stories where they planted trees on a residential street where they lived, where a church "of open door" was also located. But the church's door was never open, they didn't even get involved in tree planting. Fifteen years later, the church was just a building, empty without people, and another neighbor turned it into condos.

It's not the greatest story on how church should become an engine of revival, where God should shine and reach out through their members. Not to be burdened by programs and programs, but to be burdened by a weight of gratitude, of the grace of God, that in rejoice, are reaching out to the community. How else would they know about God if not from people who knew God?

Making a Living is Not the Same as Making a Life

2006-07-05T04:00:00.000-07:00

To me, to work on the job that I love is crucial. It is THE most important thing. But, how do we get there?

A friend called me in the middle of the night, vented on how she doesn't like her job. She's a food scientist; her works involves creating formulas for food scents and taste substitutes. She experiments with bacterias, chemical, and all that good stuff I don't understand, but interesting to hear. But this is the first time I heard that she doesn't like her job. She wants to quit, but doesn't know what else to do.

I told her that some days in our jobs sometimes made us want to quit that day. It happens to me too; what I usually do is to revisit our motivation: why we do what we do, that would encourage us to love our job again.

The one thing to pursue what you love to do, and the other thing is to give up on what we have now. Life needs to be discovered all the time! Including now. I understand what my friend was saying that she hated the job because she felt like it doesn't make a difference. Let's stop there and we discuss that later. But, when I asked her if she had a chance to go back to college, what was it that she would it be? And she said, she would take the same thing, since she loves being in the lab, working with bacteria and discovering new formulas. Well, that's it, then. She found what she loved already.

Let's go back to her idea that the job doesn't make a difference. Of course it does; it helps create a better tasting food, the food would help feed people; her job is a piece of the puzzle of the complicated network of the food industry that exists because of demand: it provides to life.

But the other day I was reading about this book called "Finding the Road Map: Railroad Nation Series". It's a book contains stories of people who succeed in what they do. One of the sentences that I read, was a quote from Albert Einstein "Who you are is not determined by what you do." But, my thought came back to what I have heard, that Jesus loves us no matter what we do. That, the love of Jesus itself, could be, or should be, our main motivation to love what we do, or to discover what we love to do, and do that the best we could, for the Glory of God. But if finding our talents and our gifts and using it to enrich our lifes and others, is an act of worship too. Loving your job is a state of mind. Go, baby. Go!

MyBossIsAJewishCarpenter

My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter

The place to which God calls you is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet

What I believe is not what I say, what I believe is what I do

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.

I can't think of now cause I am stuck in then

The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice;he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him

Be still and know that I am God.

Can we? Do we even know what loving God looks like and feels like

So sit at the feet of the wise

When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all

You hardly know whether to laugh or to weep...

You don't need to know about blessing to be blessed.

But unfortunately, that's what's hidden in my heart, that there's a plan. And I'm a part of it. Whether I want to believe it or not.

Listen to your life.

When a poor person dies of hunger, it has not happened because God did not take care of him or her.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

That what is which and which is what?

A mother is something absolutely new.

Happiness comes in on tiptoe

Book Tag - Influential Books in my life.

I painted the green grass. It was fun because I got lots of paint on me.

Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives.

Hope is the thing that stands up right

I am in love with your mother, not you.

Oh, we're sinking like stones, All that we fought for,

Welcome to the planet, welcome to existence...

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.

God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls..Mother Teresa.

I frequently tramped eight or ten miles through the deepest snow to keep an appointment with a beech-tree,...

Maybe that's what life is...a wink of the eye and winking stars

Creation is a finger pointing to God.

Life is partly what we make it, and partly what is made by the friends whom we choose.

Because you can't contain me.

Dream up the kind of world you want to live in.Dream out loud at high volume.

There is no cup of tea big enough to contain Me, there is no book long enough to suit Me

Today, thank God that it is them and not you...

The bridge was your bridge

When I miss you

Lift my hands and spin around, see the light that I have found..

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything

There's a certain slant of light

Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life

They speak to the eter­nal hope in Christ

May be death is the great equalizer, the one big thing that can finally make strangers shed a tear for one another

Courage is fear that has said its prayers

Are you opening like a flower? (2)

Six Words Short Stories

Are you opening like a flower?

Are you opening like a flower?

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

It's better to help people than garden gnome...*

Time's funny. When you're a kid, it passes slowly, and next thing you're fifty and your childhood fits into a rusty little box

The cost of a thing, is the amount of what I will call 'life', which is required to be exchanged for it, immediately or in the long run

Good luck exploring the infinite abbys

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit Me.

What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step

just when you think you know love, something little comes along to remind you just how big it really is

With the possible exception of the equator, everything begins somewhere.

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere

Time hasn't stopped for any troubles, heartaches, or any other malfunctions of this world, so please don't tell me it will stop for you

Nothing that you have not given away will ever be really yours

To love at all is to be vulnerable

God is dead. -- Nietzche. Nietzche is dead. -- God

Don't make me come down there. -- God.

if love is blind, friendship closes its eyes....

I don't know what the future holds, but I know what holds the future.

A friendship is a treasure beyond measure

Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful

The best christmas gift ever was wrapped in a manger

You gotta hear this one song, it'll change your life I promise you

Home

A state of a recognition of soul of its counterpart to one another

The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones

Seek and you may find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you.

Don't have anything to be thankful for? Check your pulse

Jesus is right for whatever is wrong in your life

There's no plot. There's only adventure.

God may break us in order to remake us

They speak to the eternal hope in Christ